Author Topic: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.  (Read 71395 times)

Offline Cool Blue

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Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« on: July 08, 2010, 12:01:25 AM »
Don't know how to prep for this one.  I didn't see it coming. 

A few days ago my laptop was on the fritz so I used my wife's computer and found that she had been visiting sites explaining the process for a divorce and on how to secretly send emails to lovers.

I asked her about it and she said he'd been unhappy for a while and had been thinking about leaving me.  This took me totally by surprise because I though life was great.  Honestly, on a scale of 10 I thought we were an 8.  Not pefect and wining the lottery but above average with great years to come.

We had a long talk and I thought she agreed to stay with me and work it out but she didn't seem too enthusiastic about it.

Today while she was out of the house I checked her computer again and found out that she had cheated on me despite her saying that she didn't yesterday.  I asked her about it, told her I forgave her and would be willing to continue our marriage.  I proposed marriage counseling but she wasn't interested. 

She said she still loved me but that "the butterflies" were gone and that she felt guilty for what she did and that I didn't deserve her.  She doesn't love the other guy and said it's a one-time thing.

She's now gone to a friend's house to stay for a week.  I insisted that I would stay in the home with our two very young girls since she was the one leaving us.

Any advice from you ladies?

I still love her but I'm through the sad/hurt stage, gone through the acceptance/forgiveness stage and am now in the angry stage.  I'm starting to think that I shouldn't take her back.

It's not so much that she cheated that upsets me, it's that even after offering to forgive she still has to think about if she wants to stay a family.

I'm also afraid that she'll take my little girls away.

Offline OKGranny

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2010, 02:11:14 AM »
It was a long time ago when I went through a divorce with a cheating spouse but I can tell you it's going to be an emotional roller coaster for you for a while. I have no clue what "butterflies" are in a marriage but I can tell you that the "you don't deserve me" is an excuse. She wants out, for whatever reason. Whether she takes the girls or not kinda depends on what she has planned. If she wants to party around she might not want to take them, if her financial situation is going to be precarious she might not want to take them, otherwise, she probably will want to. I'm not trying to sound harsh but it's just the way it is. All you can be prepared for for a while is the fact that you're going to have good days, bad days, angry day, days of blaming yourself, days of blaming her, days of thinking maybe you can work it out and days of saying I never want her back. Get your affairs in order, get her name off your bank accounts, contact a lawyer, and just try to hang onto your sanity. It will get better, there honestly is light at the end of the tunnel.

Offline Docwatmo

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #2 on: July 08, 2010, 06:43:50 AM »
So sorry to hear this Cool Blue.  Your attitudes shows an incredible level of maturity that I don't think I could muster.

I don't have any advice having never gone through this.   I will keep you and your girls in my thoughts.  This is going to be a very trying time, support is going to be key.  Surround yourself with loved ones and accept any offers of help.  Don't go it alone.





Offline joeinwv

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2010, 07:19:12 AM »
Very sorry to hear this - always tough when it comes as a blind side. I don't mean this to be harsh, and I am sure this is not what you want to hear - but you have to get moving right now. Your assets and way of life are in grave danger.

Cash out all of your bank accounts right now. Today. Cancel all your credit cards now. Call a lawyer now. If you have other assets that you can liquidate, do so. Cancel her cell phone if it is in your name. Call a lawyer. You will want to file for full custody and mediate from there.

This is not something new - she has been planning this for a while. She is not being honest with you. If this was a one time thing, she would likely be willing to work on things. She has gotten caught once.

In most states, it will be very easy for her to keep the house, the kids, alimony and child support. You will be providing insurance for both kids and have partial custody at best.

No one is going to feel sorry for you or act in your best interest. Certainly not her, her attorney or her new boyfriend. Protect yourself, protect your kids, protect your assets. Then you just have to move on.

If you don't get these things done, you are going to get a notice from her lawyer kicking you out of your house and your bank account is going to be empty. Seen it happen. Doesn't matter who did what - it matters who makes aggressive legal action first.

Again, sorry to lay it out this way, but with our legal system this is the only chance you have to get a fair settlement. There are a lot of guys out there who don't have their house, their car, their kids and are paying out $1k+ a month.


Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2010, 07:19:59 AM »
ouch.  my heart is aching for you.

have you read the thread on how to survive a surprise divorce?  there is some good info in there too.
http://thesurvivalpodcast.com/forum/index.php?topic=5540.0

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #5 on: July 08, 2010, 07:43:04 AM »
I feel for you Cool Blue.  You have my heart-felt sympathy.

Read joeinwv's post.  Then read it again.  Do everything in it.  Don't fear "offending" her.  Don't hold out hope for reunion.  Expect her to dangle that carrot for advantage.  

It's time to terminate this business relationship.  Do what joeinwv said.  Do it today.

Sorry to be harsh, but I'm old enough to have watched this exact situation play out dozens of times.  

Offline swoods

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #6 on: July 08, 2010, 08:17:32 AM »
This is an emotional time and it is really hard to make choices. Call a lawyer, make sure you do exactly what the lawyer says, even if you feel it is being mean. She wants out and just doesn't have the guts to tell you. Make sure to protect yourself and your daughters.

I was on the receiving end of a cheater and by golly before he was done, he had filed bankruptcy and I got hauled into court and was made to pay all of the debts because they had been joint debts. My credit was ruined for many years. Had I listened to the lawyer it would not have happened. I didn't want to be a *itch and boy did I learn the hard way that I shoud have listened to the lawyer.

Let you friends and family help if they offer. You will need plenty of support and kind words to get through this. My thouhts are with you.


Offline TwoBluesMama

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #7 on: July 08, 2010, 08:23:23 AM »
Wow - I'm not sure what to say except I am sending some prayers heavenward for you and your family.  It makes me sad for you and your children and even your wife as she really doesn't realize the destruction she is causing.  I know that people have a lot of differing faiths on this forum but I will say that only God has kept my marriage going strong for 28 years (together 34) as there are times when we both wanted to quit.  I'll be praying for you - hang in here.

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2010, 08:34:01 AM »
My sympathies Blue.  I went through a very painful divorce myself in 2005.  Mine wasn't a surprise; we started marriage counseling just 12 weeks after getting married, but take the advice of hiring a good attorney as soon as possible.  Get ready for games and manipulations.  Start treating this like business.  Start pulling together legal documents, bank statements, investment records, and anything else you can.  Burn a CD of everything that might be useful or important from her computer before she takes it.  For me, getting copies of digital pictures was important, but also be practical and get her history for the internet for the last three weeks, bank accounts that might be hidden, etc.

Personally, I took all the guns out of the house and put them in my brother's safe until the divorce was over.  Emotions can run hot and I'd rather just remove the possiblity of things escalating to that level.  I'm sure some will argue otherwise and they may have a valid point, but my opinion is it's best to just remove the opportunity.

Let your family and friends know, protect your assets, and lean on those that will be there for you.  Consider a therapist or counselor to help you and those little girls.

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2010, 08:45:56 AM »
ouch.  my heart is aching for you.

have you read the thread on how to survive a surprise divorce?  there is some good info in there too.
http://thesurvivalpodcast.com/forum/index.php?topic=5540.0

Thanks I'll check this out ASAP.

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2010, 08:57:18 AM »
Thanks folks.  Lots of good advice that I hadn't thought of yet.

I appreciate the thoughts an prayers too.

I definitely have to start thinking of a "Plan B".

Fortunately my wife is independent and has always insisted that we keep our finances separate when possible.  Just last week we were approved for a joint consolidation loan that would have merged all our debts at a lower interest (3/4 of the debt is hers).  Luckily we haven't signed the papers yet.

Frankly, if I was on my own I'd actually be better off financially.

She's now agreed to marriage counseling and we're just waiting for a call back from a few places I called.  She doesn't seem to enthusiastic though and has only promised to try for a few months.

We're both in the house now, I took the week off of work.  She just got back from picking up some of her stuff from her mothers house.  When she got in the house she hugged me for long time and cried.  Don't know if that is a good sign...lol

Offline BatonRouge Bill

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2010, 09:23:56 AM »
Done that myself after 24 years of marriage. My girls made it clear to her if she left they were staying, my girls are 19 and 16 now. If divorce is certain take your heart out of it, and fully engage your brain. I tapped the phones to find out what was going on in her mind only to find out her older sister was 2/3 thru a bitter divorce and they were making comparisons at what my bro-in-law was a no good bastard and how I was just like him. My brother in law was/is a good man just his wife has 7 figure spending habits on his 6 figure income. Which led him to bankruptcy twice. No cheaters just women who felt they deserved better. In my case hurricane Katrina flooded out my two rentals in New Orleans area and the added stress of destitute family members and financial stress of loosing 1/4 of my net worth was tough and so she took 1/2 of what was left. Like I said take your heart out and engage your mind. First, visit every good lawyer in town and be sure to be recorded for the visit. This only leave 2nd rate lawyers for her to choose from. 2nd Give here at least half of your net worth, preferably wired to her new bank account from the old one with agreement paperwork signed and notarized. She will want a new start with new furniture. Help her to get a new place, leaving all the old furniture in your home which in your children's mind will always be home!!!! You will be up to your eyeballs in debt for sure but trust me it'll be easier on your heart. Get agreements drawn up early as possible signed and notarized. And don't forget about your 401K. Split it early or  buy her out and have paperwork notarized. Be very careful with daughters.  A bitter ex can poison the minds of young girls easily. Never speak negatively of your ex in front of your kids and be sure they notice it...point it out. They will begin to make comparisons on their own and that may be your only grace if she decides to live a live of dissing you.
Good luck with it all. By the way my divorce was as painless as they get. Me and my ex did have enough sense not to fight. I would fix her faucets  and she would occasionally clean the house for me behind the girls..50 50 custody with me as the domiciliary parent. No child support and I keep them in the best private schools. She claims my youngest on taxes. but the girls are with me 26 days out the month and just occasionally stay with their mother who only live 4 Miles away..and they both drive! Her sister is living in assisted housing now. They lost almost everything. Head in Heart out and don't feed the animals (lawyers).

Offline joeinwv

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2010, 09:29:47 AM »
....
We're both in the house now, I took the week off of work.  She just got back from picking up some of her stuff from her mothers house.  When she got in the house she hugged me for long time and cried.  Don't know if that is a good sign...lol

I hate to be this guy - she has a lawyer. This reconciliation is going to be considered a 'cooling off' period and displays her efforts to try and 'make things work'. In my estimate, she is not ready to move in with the other guy or things didn't work out as planned in that area. The reason for your divorce is now shifting from her cheating on you, to you both having irreconcilable differences in your marriage. You have already expressed that you are not that affected by the infidelity and are willing to move forward.

You have to have a business mindset and be extremely objective about this situation. If not, you will be cleaned out. Even if your finances are separate, you are married - those debts are yours as well and you will end up with at least part of them.

Get your money out of the bank, get your guns out of the house, get any coins, gold, etc out of the house. Turn it into cash or physically hide it. In the near future, you are going to be listing all of your assets - the less that exists on paper, the better.

My father in law is still paying alimony, 27 years after the divorce - and she gets 1/2 his pension.

Lawyer up my friend - at the very least you need to be getting some legal advice while in counseling.

If this is a workable marriage, then she needs to be doing everything in her power to re-establish your trust and display her remorse for her actions. At this point, it sounds like she is sorry you found out. I hate to say it, there are still things you don't know.

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2010, 09:52:15 AM »
Fortunately my wife is independent and has always insisted that we keep our finances separate when possible.  Just last week we were approved for a joint consolidation loan that would have merged all our debts at a lower interest (3/4 of the debt is hers).  Luckily we haven't signed the papers yet.
Actually, you did sign papers.  That marriage license means that half of her debt is your debt and half of your assets are her assets.  My ex only backed off trying to go after my pre-marital assets when my attorney explained that half her retirement could be mine (she made more than me before the marriage).

I say do the counseling for yourself.  You'll learn some things that may prevent ever being in the same situation again.  You'll also aleve yourself of any remaining guilt that you could have done more.  But, don't be blind, hire an attorney, get your friends and family on your side, and don't let yourself get manipulated into doing things you wouldn't normally do.

Offline Dagny

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #14 on: July 08, 2010, 09:55:10 AM »
I think Joe has some very pragmatic advice for you. Of course none of us here on the forum know the whole story, but you sound like a decent guy and you need to protect yourself and your rights as a father. It is ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE that you protect your rights as a father! If it does come to divorce, settle for nothing less than joint custody. You sound like you are hurting and that you are very willing to compromise, which in many ways is a good thing, but PLEASE do not let your willingness to jeopardize your access to your girls. They need their dad.

What frightens me about this situation is that your wife sounds like she is an emotionally detached place as well as trying to cut you off from her life. Nothing could be worse for your girls than if she found another man on the internet and moved across the country. It happens.

Not to sound like divorce is a done deal for you. It is also imperative that you find a GOOD marriage counselor that is an advocate for your *marriage*. There are probably 5 crappy psychologists for every good one. Some actually do more damage than good. A lot of marriage counselors almost seem to operate as if counseling is just a way to give individual partners the "permission" they need to end the marriage. (Especially a lot of female psychologists who view marriage as an obstacle to female independence.) If you have any married friends that went through counseling and it saved or strengthened their marriage, get a recommendation from THEM.

A couple things I'd like to see a marriage counselor point out:

1. Realistic expectations. Not every year or moment of a marriage is going to be "butterflies", and if THAT is her expectation, she is not living in reality. That kind of passion CAN be present in a marriage, but it's not going to be there 24/7 for your entire marriage. Marriage is not a snapsot - it is the whole deal, and that includes times when passion wanes.  A good marriage you will get it back, but both partners need to INVEST in getting it back. On the flip side, this requires effort, and you should BOTH be working to try to re-ignite passion as part of the healing process if you go into counseling.

2. You have kids, so the divorce you mean you divide your family *forever*. Once you have kids, you cannot rip up the paperwork and go your separate ways. This divorce WILL affect your kids and grandkids in ways you cannot yet imagine.  My parents were divorced 20 years ago, as were my husband's parents. The hoops we have to jump through - what we have to go through for holidays and gatherings, double the phone calls, the bitter resentments that crop up with subsequent marriages. These will be the realities in your life moving forward if you divorce. She needs to think LONG and HARD about the long-term consequences of divorce. A lot of women who do what she is doing, discover that in the long run they are no happier with the next man than they were with the first, and now they have a shattered family to boot.

This is not to lay it ALL on her. It is highly unlikely that you have no ownership in this as well, but obviously we can't know your whole situation from a forum post. But it is my firm belief that in the substantial majority of divorce cases, the marriage could have been saved if BOTH partners went into it with the attitude of "What can *I* do to make this marriage amazing?" When ONE spouse does that, it can improve the marriage tenfold, and when BOTH do it, it's truly amazing what can happen.


Offline BatonRouge Bill

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #15 on: July 08, 2010, 10:08:53 AM »
I hate to be this guy - she has a lawyer. This reconciliation is going to be considered a 'cooling off' period and displays her efforts to try and 'make things work'. In my estimate, she is not ready to move in with the other guy or things didn't work out as planned in that area. The reason for your divorce is now shifting from her cheating on you, to you both having irreconcilable differences in your marriage. You have already expressed that you are not that affected by the infidelity and are willing to move forward.
You have to have a business mindset and be extremely objective about this situation. If not, you will be cleaned out. Even if your finances are separate, you are married - those debts are yours as well and you will end up with at least part of them.
Get your money out of the bank, get your guns out of the house, get any coins, gold, etc out of the house. Turn it into cash or physically hide it. In the near future, you are going to be listing all of your assets - the less that exists on paper, the better.
She definitly appears to be working it by the legal playbook. Looks like she has her head in and her heart out. Procede with caution my friend, looks like rough waters ahead.

Offline donaldj

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #16 on: July 08, 2010, 10:25:10 AM »
The advice given here has been excellent. I wish I had this kind of support when I got divorced from my first wife.

Some points, in no particular order...

1. Your wife turned to strangers on the internet to hook up with and seek some "fun". She didn't come to you to discuss things, she didn't confide in you that she hasn't been "feeling it" for some time. She took it to others to get some type of satisfaction. That's just not being honest. After that, how do you trust her?

1a. If you can't trust her with the marriage, believe me, you can't trust her not to aggressively start divorce proceedings without warning you. If you don't like being blind-sided, lawyer up now.

2. My ex did the same hug and cry maneuver. She was just at her lawyer's office, and the "finality" is hitting her. Yup, she's going through with it, and the crying is either just an emotional reaction to knowing she's going to hurt you, or the reality of the marriage-ending is setting in. It isn't "hope".

3. Her acceptance of marriage counseling is probably lawyer-advised. Her lawyer likely knows she cheated (I'm sure he asked her point-blank), and he needs some ammo to help shore up his case on the children's custody. While it's hard for fathers to get a fair shake in custody matters, cheating and drug use are two very good avenues.

4. Do NOT go out and cheat or play the field just because she did. If she strongly wants custody, and has financial means, her lawyer could have a PI tailing you to dredge up material. I'm not being paranoid; I've seen this done.

5. Consider filing divorce NOW on the grounds of infidelity. Yes, she will be served with papers, yes it will hit her hard. Explain to her that while you're willing to work on things, you must legally protect yourself and access to your children in the meantime. YOU filing first carries some significant advantages.




Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2010, 10:26:53 AM »
Few quick notes:

I don't think she has a lawyer, in fact she states she wants to avoid courts.  That being said she and I are both legal assistants.

She insisted that "no matter what happens you can see your kids as much as you want".  I interpreted this as 50-50 custody when really she meant I could stop by anytime for a few hours.  She's taken my interpretation as evidence that I want to steal the kids.

Her father died very recently and I think that may be playing a role in it.

Lastly there is zero chance of her leaving me for the other guy.  He's much older than she is, he's already married and even she admits, not very attractive ( I know him and can confirm).

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2010, 10:34:26 AM »

A couple things I'd like to see a marriage counselor point out:

1. Realistic expectations. Not every year or moment of a marriage is going to be "butterflies", and if THAT is her expectation, she is not living in reality. That kind of passion CAN be present in a marriage, but it's not going to be there 24/7 for your entire marriage. Marriage is not a snapsot - it is the whole deal, and that includes times when passion wanes.  A good marriage you will get it back, but both partners need to INVEST in getting it back. On the flip side, this requires effort, and you should BOTH be working to try to re-ignite passion as part of the healing process if you go into counseling.

2. You have kids, so the divorce you mean you divide your family *forever*. Once you have kids, you cannot rip up the paperwork and go your separate ways. This divorce WILL affect your kids and grandkids in ways you cannot yet imagine.  My parents were divorced 20 years ago, as were my husband's parents. The hoops we have to jump through - what we have to go through for holidays and gatherings, double the phone calls, the bitter resentments that crop up with subsequent marriages. These will be the realities in your life moving forward if you divorce. She needs to think LONG and HARD about the long-term consequences of divorce. A lot of women who do what she is doing, discover that in the long run they are no happier with the next man than they were with the first, and now they have a shattered family to boot.

This is not to lay it ALL on her. It is highly unlikely that you have no ownership in this as well, but obviously we can't know your whole situation from a forum post. But it is my firm belief that in the substantial majority of divorce cases, the marriage could have been saved if BOTH partners went into it with the attitude of "What can *I* do to make this marriage amazing?" When ONE spouse does that, it can improve the marriage tenfold, and when BOTH do it, it's truly amazing what can happen.



This is all very much in line with what I'm thinking.

I've actually got 3 counselors lined up, lol.

My workplace has a program to help with matter like this and will pay for a few sessions.

The local church where we were married. Advantage is we know the people.

A Christian based group that has a professional psychologist.


Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2010, 10:43:18 AM »

1. Your wife turned to strangers on the internet to hook up with and seek some "fun". She didn't come to you to discuss things, she didn't confide in you that she hasn't been "feeling it" for some time. She took it to others to get some type of satisfaction. That's just not being honest. After that, how do you trust her?


Some good points thanks.

One of the complications however is that she didn't just hook up with a stranger on the internet.  It's actually the husband of a relative of hers.  Once it gets out, her whole family is going to be torn apart.

I told her that she should tell her mother because it's going to get out eventually anyway.

I said if this is to work that guy needs to stay away from you forever meaning any family event he's at you can't be there. 

She doesn't seem keen on having to choose between her family and "our family". 
« Last Edit: July 08, 2010, 10:47:27 AM by Cool Blue »

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #20 on: July 08, 2010, 12:01:34 PM »
Few quick notes:

I don't think she has a lawyer, in fact she states she wants to avoid courts.  That being said she and I are both legal assistants.

She insisted that "no matter what happens you can see your kids as much as you want".  I interpreted this as 50-50 custody when really she meant I could stop by anytime for a few hours.  She's taken my interpretation as evidence that I want to steal the kids.

FAIL!..  When my wife and I separated She said about the same thing,..  She pretty much took our son and ran.  She wanted to keep child support out of the court too,.. HA,.. what a joke that was.  BY LAW it had to.  I've barely seen my son in 10 years.  I had to move out of state for work, then she moved also,.. making it 1000% more difficult to get to him.  It's a 2 day drive one way to see him, and flying is just as expensive...

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #21 on: July 08, 2010, 12:03:11 PM »
FAIL!..  When my wife and I separated She said about the same thing,..  She pretty much took our son and ran.  She wanted to keep child support out of the court too,.. HA,.. what a joke that was.  BY LAW it had to.  I've barely seen my son in 10 years.  I had to move out of state for work, then she moved also,.. making it 1000% more difficult to get to him.  It's a 2 day drive one way to see him, and flying is just as expensive...

Oh man that sucks.  I'm very sorry.

Offline ncjeeper

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #22 on: July 08, 2010, 12:09:35 PM »
Good luck my brother.

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #23 on: July 08, 2010, 01:05:18 PM »
Quote
Today while she was out of the house I checked her computer again and found out that she had cheated on me despite her saying that she didn't yesterday.  I asked her about it, told her I forgave her and would be willing to continue our marriage.

Trust me, I have painful, personal experience with this, forgiving her that easily was a mistake. Makes you look needy, an easy push over. Not attractive. At all. Where's the passion? You should have been FURIOUS.  Butterflies=passion. missing...
I'm not blaming you, just informing you as more of a 'tactical' matter


We're both in the house now, I took the week off of work.  She just got back from picking up some of her stuff from her mothers house.  When she got in the house she hugged me for long time and cried.  Don't know if that is a good sign...lol


By leaving the household, she deserted you. She may have been coached to move back in to remove her desertion as grounds for you to use against her.  Remember, you need to think tactically. I've seen this over and over. the woman leaves, and all of a sudden is back, willing (unentheusiatically) to go to concilling. All thie time having her lawyer working on the divorce.

Take steps to protect yourself yesterday!!! Doesn't mean you can't still try to make things work.

endurance

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #24 on: July 08, 2010, 01:10:34 PM »
Don't let the negative stories get you down, just take heed of the lessons.  You're actually in an a better position than most men are at the moment.  You're in the house, she's the one that wants the divorce, and you have the kids living with you.  It's a lot easier to paint a picture to the court that you're the responsible one who's looking out for the best interest of your kids.

I've also seen it time and time again; the one who wants the divorce almost always sacrifices the most in the settlement/mediation discussions.  It's a position of advantage to be patient when they're eager to move on with their lives and you're the one that can slow the process down.

Additionally, getting an attorney for advice and counsel is not necessarily escalating.  He/she can give you advice without ever getting formally involved if you want to keep it that way.  Just remember, by law, they have to look out for your best interest once you hire them.  Who else do you ever deal with that has that obligation?  That said, there are some sheisters out there, so try to get one by referral rather than picking one out of the phone book.

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #25 on: July 08, 2010, 01:53:04 PM »
Don't let the negative stories get you down, just take heed of the lessons.  You're actually in an a better position than most men are at the moment.  You're in the house, she's the one that wants the divorce, and you have the kids living with you.  It's a lot easier to paint a picture to the court that you're the responsible one who's looking out for the best interest of your kids.

I've also seen it time and time again; the one who wants the divorce almost always sacrifices the most in the settlement/mediation discussions.  It's a position of advantage to be patient when they're eager to move on with their lives and you're the one that can slow the process down.

Additionally, getting an attorney for advice and counsel is not necessarily escalating.  He/she can give you advice without ever getting formally involved if you want to keep it that way.  Just remember, by law, they have to look out for your best interest once you hire them.  Who else do you ever deal with that has that obligation?  That said, there are some sheisters out there, so try to get one by referral rather than picking one out of the phone book.

That's what I'm hoping by staying in the house.  I told her "You're the one in the wrong who hurt me; why should I be punished further by having to move out?".

We're both refusing to move out at this point.

If I have to leave the house I'm insisting that I take one of the kids with me so she doesn't have to worry about me leaving with them. 

I'm thinking of taking my 3 year old to the movies to see Shrek tonight...should I leave the house at all?

Tomorrow I'm going to visit one of my friends who recently went through a nasty divorce.  Get some advice from him.

Offline Dagny

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #26 on: July 08, 2010, 03:14:43 PM »
Quote
She wanted to keep child support out of the court too,.. HA,.. what a joke that was.  BY LAW it had to.  I've barely seen my son in 10 years.  I had to move out of state for work, then she moved also,.. making it 1000% more difficult to get to him.  It's a 2 day drive one way to see him, and flying is just as expensive...

I wish I could convince you to move to wherever your son is, DEMAND your paternal rights, even if it means working digging ditches. No job is worth depriving a child of his father, especially if it's not one that pays enough to enable your freedom to fly out for visits. Imagine if there were a fatherhood movement where whenever a mother took children away from their fathers, the fathers followed. Taking a child away from a parent should be seen as socially intolerable, IMO. And specifically, I think our society is suffering from an epidemic of fatherlessness. While the fathers that ARE involved, are arguably more involved than ever before, the epidemic of the absent father is part of what contributes to our excessively feminized society.

To the OP, if divorce happens I say again, PLEASE do not let this happen. If she tries to pull that, don't let her get away with it, even if you have to follow her 2000 miles away. It's not even about your personal desire and right to be a dad (which are also valid), but your kids NEED you. I HATE this bullshit from divorced women that they "don't need a man" i.e. their ex. If you have kids, YEAH, YOU DO! While I give full respect to the single moms (and dads) out there that are taking on the huge job parenthood alone due to circumstances beyond their control, parenthood is NOT a one-person job.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2010, 03:19:45 PM by Dagny »

Offline BatonRouge Bill

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #27 on: July 08, 2010, 03:21:13 PM »
That's what I'm hoping by staying in the house.  I told her "You're the one in the wrong who hurt me; why should I be punished further by having to move out?".
We're both refusing to move out at this point.
If I have to leave the house I'm insisting that I take one of the kids with me so she doesn't have to worry about me leaving with them. 
I'm thinking of taking my 3 year old to the movies to see Shrek tonight...should I leave the house at all?Tomorrow I'm going to visit one of my friends who recently went through a nasty divorce.  Get some advice from him.
Dude, you let her back in now she is laying down the rules on how this is going to be played and you are playing the part like it's scripted. Guys really suck at this kind of stuff. Women are masters of verbal and social skills. Men are more logical and engineering oriented. I believe you when you said you were unprepared or at least didn't see the warning signs. I watched a coworker/friend of mine go thru a nasty one and when he bugged his phones he really had his heart broken as his wife and her lover discussed their sexcapades like highschoolers sneaking around and he held his heart and would kiss his wife good-by in the morning all the while knowing why she was shirking his bed. He did the PI thing and got photos because he wanted her to have the scarlet A as grounds for divorce and that would allow him to be married again in church and she couldn't. Good luck and be careful she doesn't Start a fight in front of her friends and call the police play the domestic violence card on you. Don't drink alcohol until this is settled.

Offline MTUCache

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #28 on: July 08, 2010, 03:26:19 PM »
Just echoing everyone else.... I feel for you, and I can't imagine the amount of pain that I would be in in your situation.

Get a lawyer. Document everything.

The research she was doing on-line regarding cheating.
The consolidating of debt.
The misunderstanding of the comment about "seeing your kids whenever you want".
The coming back to the household after leaving.

Each one of these by themselves may seem innocent, like she's just confused. All of them together smack of coaching, from her lawyer, prepping her case against you and giving herself time to really get an advantage when/if she does go to court.

You don't have to fight dirty (yet), but you need to be prepared to defend yourself from her fighting dirty.
This site is all about prepping. Some of it is expensive.
What's the worst thing that can happen if you hire a lawyer and wind up not needing him? You spend a lot of money on them.
What's the worst thing that can happen if you don't get some counsel right now? You get completely screwed monetarily, you lose your house, you lose your kids, and your entire life gets turned upside down.

I'm not saying your wife is playing you. I'm saying she could be. Let's be honest here, her track record has taken a bit of a hit at this point, right? It's not entirely out of the question that she's spending every second away from you looking through bank records, writing down serial numbers, and getting coached by her lawyer about how to make sure she gets the kids, the money, and the house. It would be crazy for you not to be getting similar coaching and to be keeping your own records of what's going on. Hopefully you'll never have to use it and everything with get reconciled.... but if the SHTF you'd better be left with a hell of a lot more than your BOB. ;)

Offline MTUCache

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #29 on: July 08, 2010, 03:29:12 PM »
Good luck and be careful she doesn't Start a fight in front of her friends and call the police play the domestic violence card on you. Don't drink alcohol until this is settled.
Bingo.

This is exactly the types of things that her lawyer will have her on the lookout for. "Opportunities" just like these could be the entire reason why she's back in the house. Between her, a lawyer, and a PI, there's a lot of people who could be looking for anything on you right now. I'd take this a step further and start avoiding anything that could be portrayed as negative to the judge... I'm talking porn, alcohol, talking to single women, etc. They'll find a way to make anything you do look bad in front of a judge. Just because she's covered in mud doesn't mean that they're not going to be digging on you too.

The way the system is set up for fathers in these kinds of cases, you're going to have to be a freaking angel to even have a shot at keeping your kids if she decides to fight dirty.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2010, 03:31:32 PM by MTUCache »