Author Topic: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.  (Read 74347 times)

Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #120 on: July 19, 2010, 05:23:33 PM »
Okay dear Cool - I'm going to take a completely different road from everyone else and encourage you with all you have to make this work.  I can tell you from experience when our daughter was 5 - now 27 we went through some very hard times and considered divorce but we stuck it out.  It wasn't easy but we both were willing.  Now over 22 years later I can say it was worth it.  And please remember that you loved this woman enough to marry her and have children with her. And hopefully she will remember the same about you as you give forgiveness and grace (that means giving somebody something that they don't deserve). I've read through everyone's answers with a sad heart.  I say don't sleep with one eye open, don't look for opportunities to catch her doing wrong - just keep loving her with your whole heart and trust me one day it will be great.  I think that folks give up too easily when times get hard.  Some days you have to just remember what you loved about each other in the first place and give each other plenty of grace.  I also think married couples should date again - it's so much fun to sneak off to the movies in the middle of the day like new lovers and then sneak home for ... well you can guess the rest and then back to work.  I'll still be offering prayers up for you two.  Blessings TBM

Thanks.

I think a lot of people here mean well but have had bad experiences.

I think we're gonna make it.  I could be wrong. In two weeks or 20 years from now we could break up again, but at least when my kids ask about it someday I'd be able to say that I tried and did all I could.

Offline Dylboz

  • BANNED
  • Senior Survivalist
  • ****
  • Posts: 271
  • Karma: 27
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #121 on: July 19, 2010, 07:09:20 PM »
Thanks.

I think a lot of people here mean well but have had bad experiences.

I think we're gonna make it.  I could be wrong. In two weeks or 20 years from now we could break up again, but at least when my kids ask about it someday I'd be able to say that I tried and did all I could.

That's true. But, remember, a lot of us had bad experiences precisely because we meant so well at the time. Anyway, I'm glad you're happy with how things are going with your relationship, and I sure hope that everything turns out alright in the end. If you honestly believe in your heart it is the right thing to do, you've got to do it. Best of luck.

hobbs67

  • Guest
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #122 on: July 19, 2010, 08:01:44 PM »
Quote
Quote from: TwoBluesMama on Today at 05:47:32 PM
Okay dear Cool - I'm going to take a completely different road from everyone else and encourage you with all you have to make this work.  I can tell you from experience when our daughter was 5 - now 27 we went through some very hard times and considered divorce but we stuck it out.  It wasn't easy but we both were willing.  Now over 22 years later I can say it was worth it.  And please remember that you loved this woman enough to marry her and have children with her. And hopefully she will remember the same about you as you give forgiveness and grace (that means giving somebody something that they don't deserve). I've read through everyone's answers with a sad heart.  I say don't sleep with one eye open, don't look for opportunities to catch her doing wrong - just keep loving her with your whole heart and trust me one day it will be great.  I think that folks give up too easily when times get hard.  Some days you have to just remember what you loved about each other in the first place and give each other plenty of grace.  I also think married couples should date again - it's so much fun to sneak off to the movies in the middle of the day like new lovers and then sneak home for ... well you can guess the rest and then back to work.  I'll still be offering prayers up for you two.  Blessings TBM

TBM -- my sentiments exactly.  With the addition of the fact that we all fall short in so many ways, particularly in such an important relationship as marriage.  It is only grace: forgiveness and love when it is not deserved that sets us free.  Someone once told me a long time ago that forgiveness is like freeing a long suffering prisoner from prison, then realizing that the prisoner was you.  I thought he was a crazy talking man at the time, but thats besides the point.

Quote
Thanks.

I think a lot of people here mean well but have had bad experiences.

I think we're gonna make it.  I could be wrong. In two weeks or 20 years from now we could break up again, but at least when my kids ask about it someday I'd be able to say that I tried and did all I could.

You rock my friend, imho.  Don't forget the boundaries and it seems like from what you say at this time you may have to steer the ship for a while from the maturity perspective, but its certainly worth the effort.  Even if as you say it doesn't work as hoped for, you and your kids may be transformed by the effort.  My prayers are with you as well. 

Offline Periwinkle

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 22
  • Karma: 4
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #123 on: July 24, 2010, 04:15:58 PM »
+1 for the beautiful posts, Periwinkle.  The kind of forgivness needed is a supernatural kind that only our Lord can give us. CoolBlue, you can do it.
Thank you monkeyboyf.  Thank you very much.

I believe that it's times like these that God uses to bring us closer and I have to admit, while I did NOT enjoy the pain we were going thru, we are both much closer to God today.  HE does heal us, and He enjoys healing us. 

Thems my views.   ;D

Offline BusyBee

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 20
  • Karma: 0
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #124 on: May 31, 2011, 12:45:54 PM »
Cool Blue:

How is the situation now?  I only ask because I think this was a valuable thread in so many ways and an update nearly a year later would help a lot of folks.


Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #125 on: September 04, 2011, 05:46:47 PM »
Sorry for such a late reply; been pretty busy.  After all the problems we had I had to make some major changes in my life and I'm now a full-time university student / stay at home dad.

Thing are going as OK as can be expected.  It was a really rough year but the last couple months have been pretty good.

Basically I had to re-examine my life and it took some convincing for my wife to accept that I had to go back to school and work in something that I actually enjoy. 

I felt that I was wasting my life at work, not accomplishing anything and just killing time until I qualified for a pension.  In the past I was able to accept my work life because I took pride in my home life but when that fell apart I had to make a career change.

Secondly the economics of it just didn't make sense.  The commute, daycare and other work expenses were taking up about 2/3 of my net income. If I stayed home with our kids we'd only be out a couple hundred a month which was something we could make up easily.

I'm now an environmental student which kinda ties into perpardeness/survivalism.  I'm leaning my studies towards the self-sufficiency/technology side instead of the activism side.  For example, in one of my recent courses I created a device to harvest water from air without using electricity. The prof said that he'd be surprised if anybody got anything and I was the only student to harvest water but it wasn't much, only 6 milliliters (I plan on posting pics of what I did here sometime).  So basically I've found something that I really enjoy and am good at.

I should graduate in a year from now and I'm hoping to get into government policy as a career and within 2-3 years I'd like to get 5 acres or so and start building a homestead.

Offline Heavy G

  • Distorting the Space-Time Continuum
  • Moderator On Leave
  • Survival Veteran
  • *
  • Posts: 6776
  • Karma: 310
  • A misfit ant in a grasshopper world.
    • 299 Days
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #126 on: September 04, 2011, 06:31:55 PM »
Thanks for the update, Cool Blue.  We're rootin' for you, brother.  Check in any time.

Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #127 on: September 04, 2011, 07:01:40 PM »
Thanks buddy!

Offline Morning Sunshine

  • Geese Smuggling Moonbat
  • Survival Veteran
  • ********
  • Posts: 6515
  • Karma: 309
  • There are no mistakes, just Learning Experiences
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #128 on: September 04, 2011, 09:37:43 PM »
it always makes my heart glad when I hear about couples having hard times that pull it back together.  best of luck to you.

Offline AussieNana

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: 5
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #129 on: November 04, 2011, 02:55:59 AM »
Cool Blue, I've just read through all the posts. I'm a newbie here. I'm glad you are working things through and working towards something you want to do.

I was bothered by two things in these posts. Firstly the assumption that all was at an end. The second was a male-female/man-woman antagonism in the the writing.

I'm writing this as someone who has been married for 42 years, of which some 5 years were truly awful, 15 were OK and the rest have been great. A long term marriage is likely to have problems, even bad problems and either or both of you can behave badly from time to time. What makes it great is to be able to look back and realise that you have worked through the bad stuff and come out the other side as better people.

About the antagonism in the writing about the hard time males are getting. I completely agree that from time to time one gender gets a bad deal of it. It is only in the last 30 or so years out some 1000, 2000 years + that men have been getting the worse end of the stick. Which is not to say it is OK. It is never right to put down one group on the basis of gender. But don't immediately try to switch things back the way they were. That would be wrong too.

Perhaps its time to let go of the gender anger and angst and acknowledge that some PEOPLE are great and some are... not (I was going to say a----holes) and most of us are somewhere in between. Structural issues such as the way some people use the law to beat up their partners are difficult to address, but we do have to come to terms with what the legal and social system does to us. Continuing to be angry and projecting foul motives onto others doesn't get us good results. It hurts like hell to be accused of bad stuff and getting clobbered for years, but for our own sakes we have to get over it. Forgiveness isn't easy. I know that. I've been to hell and back several times in my life.

We have to make a life for ourselves despite what happens to us, regardless of the abuse we have suffered. You don't want to look back on your life once you are 60-70-80-90 only to think you have been hating someone or angry as a result of major abuse for most of your lives. We have to learn how to let go of the pain and get a life of our own at the same time as fostering your relationship (if possible) for the best outcome for them as well as for you.

From experience I say that adultery, either way, doesn't have destroy a marriage. Neither do major financial mistakes. Neither do other stupid mistakes. Standing by one's partner as they pick up the pieces after making a real mess can lead to a solidarity which can lead to great comfort and satisfaction as you age. And by the time you've lived together for over 40 years both are likely to make some big mistakes.

I can say now that I have a great husband. He is a kind loving man who enjoys my trust and love and we have both grown, changed, developed and are quite different from the 18 and 22 year olds we were when we first married.

So, Cool Blue, all the best for your future. Make your own life so that even if your first choice doesn't work out, a second choice isn't second best, but ends up even better.


Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #130 on: November 05, 2011, 07:33:19 AM »
Quote
I was bothered by two things in these posts. Firstly the assumption that all was at an end. The second was a male-female/man-woman antagonism in the the writing.

Thanks Aussinana.  Are you saying you were bothered by my posts or the posts of others?  I kinda taken aback by the hostility that appeared to come from others who posted here myself.

Quote
a second choice isn't second best

That's a good point.


Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #131 on: November 05, 2011, 08:04:04 AM »
Since my last update was 2 months ago I'll give a little update for anybody who's still following.

So I've been a stay at home dad for 2 months now which means we've been living off one income.  As I said before, we thought our budget would be tight, but we're actually doing much better than I thought we would. In fact, normally our bank account would be almost empty the day before payday, but we've had $200-400 in surpluses now!  We dump these surpluses onto debt.

I think this is partially because I've been pretty good at reducing our grocery bill, stocking up during sales, not wasting leftovers etc.

I had applied for a student loan, "just in case" even though I thought we could get by without it.  I wound up getting approved and decided to use it to pay off our existing credit card debts.  We went from 12% interest to 5%.  This will save us about $200 a month.

Plus I've applied for unemployment benefits.  Not sure if I'll get it but if I do I'll use that money to pay off the student loan. 

It's possible that by becoming a one-income household we might not only come out ahead but wind up debt free as well!

So apart from financials, I think the biggest plus is the decrease in stress.  We used to have to get the kids up at 5:30 and they would fight, scream and cry as we rushed to get them ready for daycare.  This situation was so frustrating that her and I would often start fighting as well.  Thankfully this is no more.

I'm increasingly beginning to believe that a lot of our problems in society is caused by having two parents working.  I can understand if you really have no option, but I think the income of the second parent usually just goes to paying for others to raise your kids, feed your family (restaurants, prepared meals), and clean/maintain your house (cleaning service, home repair services, lawn mowing). 

I think people feel that there is nothing to their lives except work so they try to compensate by purchasing stuff.  "Sure I work so much that I hardly see my wife and kids but look at the huge McMansion we have, our new cars and our two trips to Disney World!".  A lot of this is paid for by debt financing also.

So things are going well so far and I'm crossing my fingers that they continue.  What's going to be interesting is next income tax time when I'll be considered a dependent.  Our tax situation will really change and being in Canada, we'll probably get a big increase in our child care benefits.

This combined with the possibility of getting unemployment benefits means that we might actually be much better off with just one of us working.  If this is the case I might try to convince my wife to stay home another year to finish my studies (I plan to go back to work in Sept. but I won't graduate until the earliest Dec. 2012), look for a job in my field and possibly start my own business.


Offline Heavy G

  • Distorting the Space-Time Continuum
  • Moderator On Leave
  • Survival Veteran
  • *
  • Posts: 6776
  • Karma: 310
  • A misfit ant in a grasshopper world.
    • 299 Days
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #132 on: November 05, 2011, 11:39:30 AM »
Awesome, Cool Blue.  Wise words.

Offline AussieNana

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 38
  • Karma: 5
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #133 on: November 05, 2011, 08:13:44 PM »
Cool Blue, I wasn't bothered by your posts, but by how some responded assuming that your wife was leading you on and getting ready to shaft you. While I'm ready to acknowledge that some people function like that I suspect that most don't - its just that those who get shafted are much more vociferous than those who aren't. One of the things is that when a couple has worked through bad stuff together and remake a marriage it seems somewhat disloyal to let others know about your dirty linen. Its only because I was some distance from our messes that I could mention them at all.

Congratulations on making another life and for finding that frugal living is working for you all.

You say that you think one of the big stresses on parents is to have both of you working. I completely agree. It takes all the resilience out of the system. But I think we also need to recognise that it shouldn't be automatic that one person/gender should have to be in paid employment or alternatively be the one who is working in the home. And it should be possible that once one has chosen a role that it be possible to change it later. One can like the idea of working/being at home but then find it just down't work for you. Or circumstances can change.

Marriage has its ups and downs and there are no guarantees that sacrifices you make will have a positive payoff in the end. But for many of us they do. For me it is just so nice sitting beside my husband with one of us stroking the other as we wind down at the end of the day. I can trust he will always act in character and I've come to accept that there are some things he will never do/be. The same goes the other way. As we enter the second half of our adult lives (we are both over 60 with another 30 or 40 years to go) we reckon we have a lot of good stuff to build on.

I hope and pray the same will go for you.

Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #134 on: January 25, 2013, 10:43:02 AM »
Since so many people gave thoughtful posts and asked for follow up I thought it was time to update.  Maybe somebody can learn from this.

My wife and I separated and will be divorced soon.  I was my decision as I came to the conclusion that she would never change and that it had reached the point where my kids would actually be better off with her out of my life.

In my previous posting I'd mentioned it was going well and I was staying at home (wow, back in like Nov 2011!) and that things were going well, which they were at the time.

In April 2012 my wife again started telling me that she didn't love me and wanted to split up (which I realize now was just a way for her to manipulate me).  After a few weeks of this I finally said "lets do it then" and wrote up a separation agreement. 

This seemed to have shocked her and she suggested about going to couple's counseling which she's had refused before.  We went to one session and after being hit with reality during our conversation there she decided she didn't want to go anymore.  I told her that if things didn't change (her spending problems, not helping around the house, being hostile towards me) I wanted to split.

In June 2012 we had a financial emergency and when I went to withdraw money from our emergency savings I found out that where there should have been $2000 the account was actually $1800 overdrawn (this was actually the 3rd time she'd emptied the account without telling me).  I realized then that I'd never be able to build the type of future for myself and my kids with her because she'd never change, so I asked her to move out.  Strangely, the first time I truly felt like an adult man and father was when I decided to ask her to leave.

It took her until September to move out (she thought I was just bluffing) and was shocked that I was serious.  She actually couldn't understand why I'd want to split up!

Since the split up I'm back to work (and been promoted to supervisor) and finances though still tight from recovering from all the debt she put us in, is getting better everyday. 

I also met a great girl in October and she moved in with me this month.  I'm the happiest I've been in years. We'll be out of debt totally in two years, we'll be getting an RV BOV this fall, and want to get some raw land and build an off-grid (almost) home someday.

A small part of me wonders how much of the marriage problems were my fault though a call my ex gave me a month ago has settled my mind (though I know I'm not perfect I feel I did everything I could to keep it together and 90% of the problems were not mine). 

About a month ago she called me once again to ask me why I was hurting our family by splitting up.  During our conversation she blamed the ex-wife of the guy she had an affair with for the affair and mentioned that she was miserable and always broke...according to our separation agreement financial statements she has $1100/month in disposable income and pays no rent/utilities while living with her mom! 

I knew then that she'd never change and I'd made the right decision.


Offline ncjeeper

  • Most Noble Order of the Garter Snake
  • Survival Demonstrator
  • *******
  • Posts: 4595
  • Karma: 124
  • Oooops!
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #135 on: January 25, 2013, 11:16:32 AM »
Glad to hear your living a better life now.

Offline Docwatmo

  • May Ignite Spontaneously
  • Administrator
  • Survival Veteran
  • *******
  • Posts: 8828
  • Karma: 266
  • The Prepper Rising from the Ashes
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #136 on: January 25, 2013, 11:18:28 AM »
Always a tough situation, but I'm glad to hear things are looking up and getting better.  Best of luck to you Blue and Thanks for the update.  I've been wondering about you.   

Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #137 on: January 25, 2013, 11:53:45 AM »
Thanks guys.  Things are really looking up.

I'm also 3 classes short of my degree in Environmental Studies now.  When I'm done I have a chance of getting a promotion at work and make like $15k more a year.  Plus I'd like to start a sustainability/prepping consulting business.

Offline MTUCache

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1067
  • Karma: 89
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #138 on: January 25, 2013, 12:12:08 PM »
Strangely, the first time I truly felt like an adult man and father was when I decided to ask her to leave.
This is one of the coolest sentences I've ever read on TSP... and that's saying something since we've got some really smart, wise, and deep people around here. I love when I get that feeling as well... like you're living up to your potential as a human male and not just living for someone else's expectations. Very well done.

The other sentence that really caught my eye in your excellent news:
Quote
I also met a great girl in October and she moved in with me this month.

Man... this could be great news or a horrible crutch. I hope it's the former. We don't really have any clue how your kids lives are going to be shaped from here on out, but I really hope that this new woman's presence in their lives is a positive one and doesn't cause other trouble for you.

In any case, good job on taking control of your life and carving out the destructive part(s) of it... no matter how painful.

Offline rikkrack

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1180
  • Karma: 36
  • Permaculture Entrepreneur
    • Wolf-Beach Farms
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #139 on: January 25, 2013, 12:15:16 PM »
I have been in your exact shoes. I read through the thread. It does get better. It seems dark at times and then you hit the enlightened path and never look back. Couldn't be happier now and after going through that rough time I feel now I could get through anything. I gained so much from the experience. As sad to say the divorce and lessons I learned from the experience made me a stronger, more confident, and resilient person.

Good share and you got support here!

Offline Cool Blue

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 917
  • Karma: 18
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #140 on: January 25, 2013, 01:08:02 PM »

The other sentence that really caught my eye in your excellent news:
Man... this could be great news or a horrible crutch. I hope it's the former. We don't really have any clue how your kids lives are going to be shaped from here on out, but I really hope that this new woman's presence in their lives is a positive one and doesn't cause other trouble for you.


Ya that was a concern for both of us.  I honestly was a little disappointed because I was getting to enjoy my short period of singlehood.  I felt I couldn't let this one slip by though.

Her and I seem made for each other!  I often wonder if it was part God's plan for us to meet and that the problems in relationships she and I had in the past were part of this plan.

I'm not sure what my daughters seem to think of my girlfriend.  They seems to really enjoy having her around and she's has very good motherly skills.  My daughters are already behaving better.  I was worried a bit about having a girlfriend so soon but my ex also has a boyfriend now (though in fairness she also had a boyfriend while we were married so that probably isn't a"new" experience to her) ;D

Of course my ex believes that my GF and I had secretly been together behind her back for years...or at least that's what she's telling people! lol

Offline rikkrack

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1180
  • Karma: 36
  • Permaculture Entrepreneur
    • Wolf-Beach Farms
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #141 on: January 25, 2013, 01:17:47 PM »

Of course my ex believes that my GF and I had secretly been together behind her back for years...or at least that's what she's telling people! lol

OK really scary, starting to sound exactly like my life, with the exception married the GF few years ago. Funny thing we felt like we have know each other all our lives. Through all the drama with ex's we have never had a fight, about anythign. So if it works go with it, and now you know the signs of things to look for if, big if, they ever come back.

Offline livinitup0

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 449
  • Karma: 34
  • confrontational by design
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #142 on: January 25, 2013, 01:23:58 PM »
OK really scary, starting to sound exactly like my life,

hahaha....i was thinking the same thing about mine.

Offline rikkrack

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1180
  • Karma: 36
  • Permaculture Entrepreneur
    • Wolf-Beach Farms
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #143 on: January 25, 2013, 01:30:21 PM »
My avatar is our daughter we had together.


endurance

  • Guest
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #144 on: January 25, 2013, 02:28:42 PM »
I'm glad you're adjusting to your new life well.  I just talked with my ex a couple weeks ago and the path she's taken is absolutely tragic.  Lost career, lost independence, and now in the midst of a bankruptcy, seven years after our divorce (where she had been making more than me, had a huge retirement savings (all spent now), and no debt, plus the larger half of the profits on the sale of our home).  I'm sad for her, but so grateful that I'm not on board that train while it careens off the tracks.  Some people are just destined for disaster.

Offline Twibble

  • Survivor
  • ***
  • Posts: 176
  • Karma: 10
  • I forgot what I was thinking...
    • Trepanation for the Sane
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #145 on: January 25, 2013, 02:36:28 PM »
Ya that was a concern for both of us.  I honestly was a little disappointed because I was getting to enjoy my short period of singlehood.  I felt I couldn't let this one slip by though.

Her and I seem made for each other!  I often wonder if it was part God's plan for us to meet and that the problems in relationships she and I had in the past were part of this plan.

I'm not sure what my daughters seem to think of my girlfriend.  They seems to really enjoy having her around and she's has very good motherly skills.  My daughters are already behaving better.  I was worried a bit about having a girlfriend so soon but my ex also has a boyfriend now (though in fairness she also had a boyfriend while we were married so that probably isn't a"new" experience to her) ;D

Of course my ex believes that my GF and I had secretly been together behind her back for years...or at least that's what she's telling people! lol

You sound like my husband!  Pretty much same circumstances, except that we had dated waaaay before he met her (and broke up because I was going off to college) and the only reason he had married her in the first place was because she was pregnant and threatening to get an abortion if he didn't.  For some reason, his ex thought I was to blame for their marriage falling apart, not the fact that her husband found out the hard way that she was cheating on him with one of his best friends.  I was dating someone else at the time and had even went to their house with him early for a party and ended up taking the kids out to play so they wouldn't be in the apartment with her screaming.

I've never heard my husband yell and scream after she moved out.  My personality does not do well with that kind of conflict.  I flat out told him that if he yells or screams at me, he automatically loses because I will start crying, and he doesn't like to see me cry. 

Be prepared for her to use your girlfriend against you.  I was subpoenaed to the divorce hearings the evening before the hearings.  They came to an agreement before it happened, but it was still a bit nerve-wracking.  The only way that I was responsible for it was that after he caught her, after he'd calmed down and was talking about going to counseling with her, I asked him one question.  That question was, "Can you trust her again? Because if you can't, then what's the point?"  He answered no.  He is big on trust and loyalty.

We had to have it written into the divorce agreement that she cannot move out of the are we're in.  The kids came back after a trip with her and said that she took them to look at their new school.  They're bad at locations, but they said that it took 3 movies in the car to get there.  We think she was trying to move at least 6 hours away.  She has tried to pick up the kids when it wasn't her time to have them.  One of them was playing outside (in the fenced yard at his grandparents' house), and she flat out told him to get in the car.  She claimed that her lawyer had sent the information that she was changing her dates, but when she was told she could have them for that weekend as long as she was willing to sign something stating that she had changed weekends, she refused to.  The cops, whom we called, said that they couldn't do anything as it was a civil matter.  If the other one had not been inside, she would have just come, put them in the car, and driven off with them.

Hubby and I have been married a year and a half.  Their divorce hearing was 6 months prior.  She refused to sign the decree.  We had to go to a judge and have him sign something stating that the divorce had been final and the decree was affirmed so we could get the marriage license.  She was hoping that we would not be able to get married if she didn't sign it.  She screwed herself out of almost 6 months of child support in an effort to keep us from getting married, since it didn't go into effect until it was signed by her or by a judge.

If your kids have passports, make sure she does not have them.  A parent is supposed to have notarized permission from the other parent to get a passport or leave the country with the kids, but that is not always checked.

To this day, she'll promise the kids things, then tell them that she can't afford them and they need to talk to us about it.  They're always big things that are expensive and that would interfere with our time with them but that she isn't willing to commit to taking them to during her time. 

We make sure we never say anything negative about her in front of the kids, even if we don't think they'd understand what we're saying.  If they try to tell us they shouldn't have to do something because they don't have to at home, and that's their only argument, they are told that it is not acceptable and our rules are in place when they are with us. 

The kids are pretty well adjusted, all things considered.  However, we don't expect the crap coming from her side to ever stop.  We also don't expect her to ever start helping the kids with their spelling words (one of the kids had their tests the day after we had them last year - normally got 90+ on them; they now have the tests the day after she has them - most tests have been 70-80, the last one was under 50 because she didn't have them study until late) or not watch things that inappropriate in front of them (Eddie Izzard is NOT appropriate for their age) or actually pay attention to them beyond taking them places (the younger one started acting up a bit after the ex's boyfriend moved out - I think he was the one who actually paid attention to her).  She actively tries to get the kids not to talk to their dad (he has guaranteed phone time written in), to the point where one of them got a toy back because he didn't say he wanted to talk to daddy.  They're always watching TV and eating dinner when he calls.  If they ask to call her when they're with us for more than a weekend, they usually get to as long as they're not asking when they're already in trouble for something.  All we can do is the best we can do.  We take them to church when we have them.  We pray for them when they're not with us.  We turn off anything that's on when they ask to call her so they can concentrate on talking to her.  We occasionally wish we'd get a call when they're with us that something happened to her, but we don't really want that to happen because it would just mess the kids up even more.  He's a good dad, but he's scared to death she's going to try to take him back to court at some point and take more of his time with the kids away.

Document every time she tries to keep the kids from you.  Document every time she says something to kids about you.  Document every time the kids say that something you think is inappropriate is going on.  Keep it forever.  I have a list of things going in Evernote just in case it ever does go back to court.  I've been told that handwritten calendars hold more weight, but this is what works for us.

MightyRunt

  • Guest
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #146 on: January 26, 2013, 05:13:23 PM »
Thanks for the update and I'm glad life is working out for you!

Offline Gale Dacalio

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 14
  • Karma: 1
  • Love all things homesteading
    • www.youcanhomestead.com
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #147 on: January 28, 2013, 06:27:12 PM »
Sorry to hear about your troubles man. From a lady - she sounds awful.  You are probably better off without her.  I don't know what your state laws are like.  But I would think if she is cheating on you.  You should get custody of the kids.  There are a lot of good women out here looking for a good man.  Dump this cheater and go on with your life.

Offline busymomx3

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 650
  • Karma: 18
  • Starting to get the hang of this.
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #148 on: January 28, 2013, 09:33:32 PM »
Sounds rough but glad that your life is looking up.  Sounds like you finally meet the right lady and are happy.

Offline Rutger

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 350
  • Karma: 16
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #149 on: January 29, 2013, 09:00:08 AM »
I just saw this thread and saw who started it. I opened it knowing your were close by and was going to offer to go for a beer but it sounds like things are getting squared away (not that getting a beer is bad any time ;)). Anyway, I am glad things are getting better for you and wish you the best of luck going forward. I have no doubt that kids are happier when the parents are happy (regardless of single or married though I am sure marriage is preferable). You are setting a fine example for them.