Author Topic: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.  (Read 75558 times)

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #90 on: July 16, 2010, 04:36:53 PM »
Cool Blue --
Though I have not been through a divorce, I have been married for 11 years now, am a child of divorce and have been helping others trying to get through rough patches and through both have seen a heck of lot through the good and the bad, if I can I'll add my two cents.

First, kudos to you for being bigger than the situation and being willing to forgive.  Though we all screw up on a regular basis and all hurt our spouses on a regular basis in little and big ways, when it gets to a certain point we can lose the willingness to offer true forgiveness.  Its great for you, her and your family that you are willing forgive and see if you can restore the marriage, cause once its done, for your girls at very least it will never get undone.  Everyone has a different situation and there is no gaurantee it will work, but you have given it a chance. 

Second, the cheating is clearly her fault and her fault alone.  To blame a decision like that on another person is unfair and not realistic.  There was plenty of other things she could have done, marriage counseling comes to mind, that did not involve her violating the marriage vows.  To take any blame for that is unnecessary and unfair.

That said, it, the cheating, does signal  that there is a problem somewhere in the marriage that should be looked at.  It could be as simple as realizing that she has unrealistic views of what being married means, its certainly not butterflies all teh time,, to me that would suck btw, could be that she did not know how to communicate with you that she was unhappy and took an immature way out, could be there was something fundamentally wrong with the structure of the marriage that lead to the unhappiness that lead to the bad choice.  When I got married, I had no idea how to talk with my wife and would pretend things were ok when I was absolutely miserable which eventually lead to me doing stupid things.  My actions were my responsibility, (edit-- I didn't mean to imply that i cheated on my wife as I did not -- I did a lot of stupid things in my life, but that aint one) but it was helpful to figure out why so that my wife and I together could fix the problems and make the marriage work better.   

And I would heartily disagree with two sentiments, people change all the time.  My wife and I have changed so much over 11 years its silly.  And marriage is sooo much more than a contract, in the best applications, two become one.


Thanks +1

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #91 on: July 16, 2010, 04:42:00 PM »
Hate to be a downer, but I'd be wary and keep my guard up still. And keep talking to a lawyer just in case.

Oh ya, we're not out of it yet.

For example, we're going to marriage counseling but she doesn't want to do it now because she says that things are going so well now that she doesn't want to keep bringing up the past.

I insisted that we go.

Offline archer

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #92 on: July 16, 2010, 04:57:52 PM »
Oh ya, we're not out of it yet.

For example, we're going to marriage counseling but she doesn't want to do it now because she says that things are going so well now that she doesn't want to keep bringing up the past.

I insisted that we go.
<paranoid hat on>
Oh that seems like a pacification technique. She's trying to lure you into a sense of 'all is ok again' then she'll be off again behind your back.
<paranoid hat off>

Offline Mr. Bill

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #93 on: July 16, 2010, 05:10:15 PM »
...she doesn't want to keep bringing up the past. ...

"The past" -- you mean, two weeks ago? :D

Sorry, I shouldn't be laughing, I know this is serious.  I'm glad you're going ahead with the counseling.

I still don't know you nearly well enough to say this, but I'd like to believe that you've had a basically good marriage, but there were a few bugs, she had a nasty jolt from her father's death, and she went off the rails.  If that's the case, there's good hope for repairing the problem.

Best wishes to both of you. :)

Offline BatonRouge Bill

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #94 on: July 16, 2010, 05:50:30 PM »
My ex's animal instincts kicked in 4-5 days after her monthly friend left and lasted about 6 or 7 days after which she would sleep in my youngest daughters room for the next 3 weeks. Just saying if she's distant during that time.. ::)..That was the last 2 years of a 24 year marriage...no rise in testosterone levels if she's on contraceptives though.

Offline Periwinkle

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #95 on: July 16, 2010, 06:25:45 PM »
I don't know you at all, but I would like to say that my hubby and I had some very rough spots in our marriage, not unlike yours.  We are 9 years down the road now and we are better and healthier today than we were back then.  We both went to individual counselors to deal with our own stuff.  I would like to add that ALOT OF PRAYER was going on thru this time as well.  I firmly believe that God is the reason we are healed and healthier today.  He created us and knows how to heal us.

Don't give up hope.  While it is not easy, it's worth it.  And I'm not preaching, but if it wasn't for God, I am positive we would not be where we are today.  I thank Him daily for my hubby and our marriage.

Praying for you!

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #96 on: July 16, 2010, 06:33:59 PM »
I don't know you at all, but I would like to say that my hubby and I had some very rough spots in our marriage, not unlike yours.  We are 9 years down the road now and we are better and healthier today than we were back then.  We both went to individual counselors to deal with our own stuff.  I would like to add that ALOT OF PRAYER was going on thru this time as well.  I firmly believe that God is the reason we are healed and healthier today.  He created us and knows how to heal us.

Don't give up hope.  While it is not easy, it's worth it.  And I'm not preaching, but if it wasn't for God, I am positive we would not be where we are today.  I thank Him daily for my hubby and our marriage.

Praying for you!


Thanks very much, I'm hoping we have similar results.

We have been speaking to our pastor and we've seen a few signs that God is on our side and wants us to stick it through.

Offline Periwinkle

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #97 on: July 16, 2010, 07:04:59 PM »
I'm glad to hear that.  I'm glad that you are seeing signs.  Truth is ~ God IS on y'alls side.  He wants to show His power in the healing of you and your wife and your marriage.  His Glory shines thru when things that seem hopeless are turned around and become a testimony to Him.  I firmly believe my hubby and I are an example of that cuz we sure messed up our marriage in a major way.  It's only because of God that we are together today.  It was hard, but we stuck it out.........even when we wanted to give up and leave, we stuck it out.  Sometimes we had to get out of the house for a little bit, but we always came home to each other.  We made the commitment "for better or for worse" and boy did we have "worse".

As for butterflies, some of those naturally fade away because a marriage can't be based in butterflies.  It has to be based in reality and in confidence of the other person and faith that you both will pull thru things together.  I truly believe that marriage is a 3-corded relationship = God, husband and wife.

Life is a journey, but so is marriage.  There are ups and downs and that's just part of it, but that doesn't mean we give up when the going gets tough.  If Jesus had done that, He wouldn't have made it to the cross.

(again, I'm so not preaching......at least I'm not trying to, but it might sound like I am.  I'm just sharing what happened in our lives.  Also, there are times when marriages won't work ~ when one abuses and refuses to change.  However, I think many marriages can be saved.  JMHO.)

Offline monkeyboyf

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #98 on: July 16, 2010, 10:31:22 PM »
+1 for the beautiful posts, Periwinkle.  The kind of forgivness needed is a supernatural kind that only our Lord can give us. CoolBlue, you can do it.

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #99 on: July 17, 2010, 01:38:45 PM »
Quote
Quote from: Periwinkle on Yesterday at 07:25:45 PM
I don't know you at all, but I would like to say that my hubby and I had some very rough spots in our marriage, not unlike yours.  We are 9 years down the road now and we are better and healthier today than we were back then.  We both went to individual counselors to deal with our own stuff.  I would like to add that ALOT OF PRAYER was going on thru this time as well.  I firmly believe that God is the reason we are healed and healthier today.  He created us and knows how to heal us.

Don't give up hope.  While it is not easy, it's worth it.  And I'm not preaching, but if it wasn't for God, I am positive we would not be where we are today.  I thank Him daily for my hubby and our marriage.

Praying for you!



Thanks very much, I'm hoping we have similar results.

We have been speaking to our pastor and we've seen a few signs that God is on our side and wants us to stick it through.

Cool Blue -- If done correctly, you have the opportunity in this situation to lead your family, particularly your little girls through this difficult time, teaching them lessons along the way.  If your wife is truthfully repentent and willing to work on fixing her issues, great, they still get to see what forgiveness and love looks like in their dad up close and personal and see the effect that it has on mom who unless they are really young they will likely know has gone off the deep end lately.  Mom was bad and Dad forgave her = I don't have to be perfect and I can forgive people.  As they grow up, they can then apply the lessons learned from you and the situation to their lives and to their choice of husband -- girls most often pick their future spouses based upon how their dad was (or wasn't) according to some studies.   

If your wife continues down a bad road, its almost more important how you act in response because little eyes will be watching and again, if you react with love and forgiveness, with boundaries, they will learn from that was well.  She may flake out again and you don't have to put up with it, but its how you respond to that which will be important.  It aint easy, but the question is in the face of bad behavior how do want to respond and what will the kids and your wife learn from it.    If you respond with love and respect,  no matter how unmerited it is in the situation, it is a little lesson for them to treat others the same way and expect it from others.  If you respond with disrespect and vengeance, they will expect the same.






Offline Heavy G

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #100 on: July 17, 2010, 02:01:36 PM »

Mom was bad and Dad forgave her = I don't have to be perfect and I can forgive people. 


+1 hobbs.

That being said, and it was said so well by hobbs, if she goes back to the old ways you MUST protect yourself and your kids legally as we've talked about in previous posts.

So if things are truly working out well, I'll high-five hobbs on his/her sentiment.  If things don't work out, I would be as ruthless as necessary to protect yourself.

Offline PistolWhipped

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #101 on: July 17, 2010, 04:28:25 PM »
I'll leave you with this bit of advice.

I still think she is playing you.  Granted I am highly suspicious of everyone, but I still don't get the right vibe from her somewhat erratic actions.

If you get suspicious, I'd suggest you contact a PI.  She might wait a while since you've already caught her, but after a time, she may relax.  Don't let your guard down.  She shows signs of lapsing back into her old habits, go for the (figurative) kill.

Offline Dylboz

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #102 on: July 17, 2010, 04:47:10 PM »
I'll leave you with this bit of advice.

I still think she is playing you.  Granted I am highly suspicious of everyone, but I still don't get the right vibe from her somewhat erratic actions.

If you get suspicious, I'd suggest you contact a PI.  She might wait a while since you've already caught her, but after a time, she may relax.  Don't let your guard down.  She shows signs of lapsing back into her old habits, go for the (figurative) kill.

Look, I hate to agree with this, but I do. I caught my ex once making some rather suspicious IM's to a very masculine screenname. I knew even then it wasn't right, but I took her word (albeit with reservations) that they were actually innocent and the other party was a girlfriend of hers. They were not innocent, and the other party was the married man with whom she was cheating (wrecking two homes, at least we didn't have kids, but her paramour did), and I only succeeded in making her more furtive and circumspect in her machinations, such that 6 months went by before I was able to definitively prove what was going on. The fact that your wife doesn't really want to seek counseling is highly suspicious. I'd proceed with great caution if I were you.

Offline ZenGunFighter

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #103 on: July 17, 2010, 07:21:52 PM »
We're getting caught up in the blame game.  It's both of their responsibilities to speak when there's a need to, respond as best as one can, compromise as much as possible to accommodate, AND to INQUIRE periodically. 

Isn't it interesting, as evidenced here, how differently men and women approach communication and relationships.  A lesson in humanity right here in the making.  I think I like this group.  I've much to learn in here. 

I think you are the typee to 'learn much' in most any setting.

Offline ZenGunFighter

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #104 on: July 17, 2010, 07:31:31 PM »
How was your wife's relationship with her father, when she was growing up?

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #105 on: July 18, 2010, 06:55:34 AM »
How was your wife's relationship with her father, when she was growing up?

Very close and with what some would consider emotional abuse.

Offline LadyRebekah67

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #106 on: July 18, 2010, 07:42:21 AM »
I think you are the typee to 'learn much' in most any setting.

I'll take that as a huge compliment.  Thanks.  ;) 

I kinda hate to say anything again, but I DO agree with the guys.  I'd proceed with caution if it were me in this situation.  Something feels a little fishy to me.  (But that could be the cloudy glasses I look through.)

p.s. and Sister Wolf, I was thinkin the same defensive thing, I'm just too new here to be the total bad guy just yet.  They took it quite well from you though.  ;)

Offline ZenGunFighter

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #107 on: July 18, 2010, 08:21:42 AM »
Very close and with what some would consider emotional abuse.

The reason I ask, is one patern is that when a daughter doesn't get the approval of her father, she will look for approval/acceptance from other men. And yours isn't enough. It needs to be renewed. She needs to be 'attractive', 'intelligent', etc.

I don't know if this is the case. But if it is, cheating will be a pattern. The 'butterflies' is kind of a tip off.
Does she drink?

(feel free to ignore any of this if it is stuff you don't want to share)

Anyway, maybe I'm way off base.

Keep your eyes open, and While it is good to be kind and forgiving, don't be a sap.

Good luck. I hope thins work out the way you want them to.

Offline Sister Wolf

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #108 on: July 18, 2010, 02:30:52 PM »
p.s. and Sister Wolf, I was thinkin the same defensive thing, I'm just too new here to be the total bad guy just yet.  They took it quite well from you though.  ;)

I think they know me well enough to just ignore me most of the time.  :D

You're gonna be just fine here, Rebekah.  You're quite good at assimilating.  ;)

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #109 on: July 18, 2010, 05:07:57 PM »

Does she drink?


Good luck. I hope thins work out the way you want them to.


No she doesn't.

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #110 on: July 18, 2010, 05:11:06 PM »
Update: The other guy has split with his wife.

On the one hand it's good that we won't have to deal with ever seeing him again since he's no longer part of the extended family.

On the other, I'm worried that he might get it in his head that he has a chance with my wife...

Offline Heavy G

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #111 on: July 18, 2010, 05:35:54 PM »
Cool Blue:

I hope I don't come across like an internet forum armchair quarterback, but I think this is a dicey period of time.  Keep a careful eye on your wife and move lightning fast if you need to.     

Offline antsyaunt

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #112 on: July 18, 2010, 06:16:51 PM »
I'm in agreement with Heavy G and most of the others.  Please be careful.  She may mean what she says when she is with you, but it can easily change.  My spider senses are kicking in on this.  Best of luck to you and your family. 

Offline BatonRouge Bill

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #113 on: July 18, 2010, 07:01:26 PM »
Update: The other guy has split with his wife.

On the one hand it's good that we won't have to deal with ever seeing him again since he's no longer part of the extended family.

On the other, I'm worried that he might get it in his head that he has a chance with my wife...
Good luck with it and do your best to keep communications between them from happening. I would be willing to bet he will make contact if nothing else to cry the blues with her. Make it clear it's a deal breaker! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me!

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #114 on: July 19, 2010, 08:17:36 AM »
Quote from: hobbs67 on July 16, 2010, 11:19:15 AM
Quote
And I would heartily disagree with two sentiments, people change all the time.  My wife and I have changed so much over 11 years its silly.  And marriage is sooo much more than a contract, in the best applications, two become one.


I did say - "at their core".  Of course people change, as they learn and integrate new information, with experiences, examples etc...  In context, I was referring to the female tendency to attribute "potential" to a man and expect that she's going to change him into her knight in shining armor, whatever form that may take.  For the most part though, he is who he is, and all she will succeed at is training him to alter or control his natural tendencies for a time.  How long a time is probably directly attributable to what he perceives is a valuable enough benefit.  If he values a model type arm candy kinda girl, then if she lets herself go, he will no longer see the benefit in or feel the need to continue the 'trained' behaviors and revert back to what is natural to himself given the whole nature vs. nurture argument.  I know, it sounds crass and unromantic, but it bears out in practice, generally.  There's a difference between changing because YOU choose, and changing because SHE wants you to be, think, dress, act, talk, behave etc... as certain way.

LadyR, I agree and disagree.  Yes, going into the marriage people often have completely no idea what marriage is really like and want to change their spouse into something that they are not, immature party girls/boys into Betty Crocker/Ward Cleaver in no time flat.   And yes, people often try to change for someone else and that's a pointless proposition, if you don't see your own sins, you are just going off what someone wants or doesn't want for you, thats plain pointless and will likely never take hold. 

The question is what happens when that falls flat?  It is here that people have the opportunity to see their selves in the mirror and truly change.  I don't see much of a difference between at their core and change in general, just seems like whether they really change or not.  I have seen people change truly for life and I have seen people refuse to change one iota of their nasty personalities all the while insisting that people don't change to excuse their lack of effort.  Its possible, people often just don't want to for various reasons.

Quote
And yes, a marriage IS more than a contract.  But if you really think it out, in context, the two become one theory only exhibits itself when both partners are satisfying those important needs in the other.   Companionship, household partner, co-parent to their kids, recreational partner, someone to vent worries to, or depend upon, etc...  Whatever ones needs and expectations are, they are generally being satisfied, with mutual compromise, by each other and immediate associations.  I ask, if no needs and expectations were being satisfied, how long would any of us stay in that arrangement?

My response ties in with Cool Blue's response to his wife.  There is the mutual convenience marriage where the relationship is based upon an idea of love but in reality its just as you say, a matter of convience and self centered feeling -- as long as I am getting something out of this its ok, but if my needs are not met (shaking irate finger) I am out of here.....  Then there are those that are changed by spouses loving each other through bad behavior and needs not being met and making it out the other side of the problem to something that is so much deeper, so much more that just what I get out of it.  I am sure it can happen with out troubles for someone much more mature than I, but for me it took my wife loving me when I was an idiot and she was getting very little out of it.   True, Sacrificial love can be a game changer in my opinion.  So my answer to your question of how long would any of us stay would be for life or until she came around.

Hobbs

Offline LadyRebekah67

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #115 on: July 19, 2010, 08:59:47 AM »
True, Sacrificial love can be a game changer in my opinion.  So my answer to your question of how long would any of us stay would be for life or until she came around.

Hobbs

If there is a reasonable expectation of coming out the other end all right, then I agree.  Of course I can throw out innumerable cases where sticking it out for life or until change isn't reasonable.  Hubby comes home from vietnam, PTSD, drugs, alchoholism, cheating, STD's, wife/child beating, for years.  How many years does she tolerate, sacrifice, even sympathize before saving herself and child?  Not even one moment longer than she determines his idiocy will continue.  (btw - after 4 years, she threatened this prior green beret with waking up to a gun in his face being the last thing he would ever see.  He left.)  Of course we're speaking of an extreme example here, but in someone like myself, cheating alone is the deal breaker.  The cheater has already demonstrated an inability to constructively handle stress or exercise reasonable problem solving skills.  This personality trait, to me, is not conducive to a long term relationship at that time and the lack of those basic skills will spill over into other areas of the union.  Enough time and that person may mature and change, but my question is - how much of my life should I sacrifice.  Only I can manage my own comfort and pursuit of happiness.  He/she has already displayed that they cannot be trusted with my unconditional love and support.  My life is short and valuable.  Even 4 years of misery is 4 years wasted.  (This statement from a cancer survivor/postponer, so obviously colored by cloudy glasses.  Though many could benefit from the stark-naked knowledge of just how short life is, or can be.)

In Cool Blues' case, I fear that his noble desire to keep his family intact, will backfire, due to her example that she doesn't have the desire/ability to confront and conquer adversity and appears to want to pretend that that fault doesn't still lie within her and shows little desire to learn and grow. 

Admittedly, there are also many examples of people willing to see and deal with their own fault and errors and make successful efforts to correct themselves, lastingly.  I think that requires either a genuine fear of loss of great personal value (of family or such) or a true level of maturity.

Offline Cool Blue

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #116 on: July 19, 2010, 12:16:25 PM »
Quote
In Cool Blues' case, I fear that his noble desire to keep his family intact, will backfire, due to her example that she doesn't have the desire/ability to confront and conquer adversity and appears to want to pretend that that fault doesn't still lie within her and shows little desire to learn and grow. 

I think she's changed. She seems geninely regretful and very thankful that I've forgiven.   She told me that after speaking with others she realized how lucky she had it and now feels like she acted like a spoiled brat.


Offline LadyRebekah67

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #117 on: July 19, 2010, 12:34:14 PM »
I think she's changed. She seems geninely regretful and very thankful that I've forgiven.   She told me that after speaking with others she realized how lucky she had it and now feels like she acted like a spoiled brat.



That's a step in the right direction.  ;)  Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Offline Kayzonara

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #118 on: July 19, 2010, 02:04:24 PM »
I'd be sleeping with one eye open.

I hope she really has re-committed to the relationship, and that you two can get past this and rebuild trust.

In any case, I'd be sleeping with one eye open for quite awhile where she's concerned.

Offline TwoBluesMama

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Re: Personal Disaster: My Wife Just Left Me.
« Reply #119 on: July 19, 2010, 04:47:32 PM »
I think she's changed. She seems geninely regretful and very thankful that I've forgiven.   She told me that after speaking with others she realized how lucky she had it and now feels like she acted like a spoiled brat.



Okay dear Cool - I'm going to take a completely different road from everyone else and encourage you with all you have to make this work.  I can tell you from experience when our daughter was 5 - now 27 we went through some very hard times and considered divorce but we stuck it out.  It wasn't easy but we both were willing.  Now over 22 years later I can say it was worth it.  And please remember that you loved this woman enough to marry her and have children with her. And hopefully she will remember the same about you as you give forgiveness and grace (that means giving somebody something that they don't deserve). I've read through everyone's answers with a sad heart.  I say don't sleep with one eye open, don't look for opportunities to catch her doing wrong - just keep loving her with your whole heart and trust me one day it will be great.  I think that folks give up too easily when times get hard.  Some days you have to just remember what you loved about each other in the first place and give each other plenty of grace.  I also think married couples should date again - it's so much fun to sneak off to the movies in the middle of the day like new lovers and then sneak home for ... well you can guess the rest and then back to work.  I'll still be offering prayers up for you two.  Blessings TBM