Author Topic: wife hates husbands CWP  (Read 4906 times)

Offline womule

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wife hates husbands CWP
« on: March 15, 2011, 05:06:03 PM »
What should a husband do (without causing too much strife) when his wife doesnt want him to carry a concealed weapon  while they are out together?
 
A. keep talking to her about it?
B. Just do it anyway?
C. Just do it and not say anything like "im going to bring my gun"
 
I have a CWP and my wife doesnt want me to carry when we are together, she doesnt even like it when i carry around the house.  I could go on in paragraphs describing the conversations we have had about it, but dont want to bore you lol.  In short, I have told her that I dont want to take any chances with our family being vicitmized.  She has been some what resistant to me getting a CWP or even owning a firearm.  It seems that her objections to this are rooted in some fear, (even though she wont admit it) and no logical arguement will change her mind.  I dont want to give in, but dont want to make her feel that she is being walked on.
 

Offline gundog

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2011, 05:31:30 PM »
My job is to protect my family and no one will talk me out of that fact.....even my family. I imagine you feel the same way.

....but I understand the position you are in, fighting with the wife wastes energy and hurts.

The thing is you said it......no amount of reasoning will convince her.  <shrugs> Well I guess you can't reason with her.

Seems like you are forced to carry and keep it as low profile as possible.

Good luck, I hope she comes around and gets on board with you.
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Offline ChrisFox

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2011, 05:39:05 PM »
I was never able to fully win this argument either. But I did follow advice Jack gave awhile back about the subject, when you ask her about what bothers her about it, shut the hell up and listen. I have a problem not just jumping in and trying to fix everything.

In the end I told her that I would allow no one, not even her, from stopping me from protecting my family to the best of my ability. Stalemate at the moment is the best I've come up with.

Offline womule

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2011, 05:41:37 PM »
My job is to protect my family and no one will talk me out of that fact.....even my family. I imagine you feel the same way.

....but I understand the position you are in, fighting with the wife wastes energy and hurts.

The thing is you said it......no amount of reasoning will convince her.  <shrugs> Well I guess you can't reason with her.

Seems like you are forced to carry and keep it as low profile as possible.

Good luck, I hope she comes around and gets on board with you.


My job is to protect my family and no one will talk me out of that fact.....even my family. I imagine you feel the same way.

....but I understand the position you are in, fighting with the wife wastes energy and hurts.

The thing is you said it......no amount of reasoning will convince her.  <shrugs> Well I guess you can't reason with her.

Seems like you are forced to carry and keep it as low profile as possible.

Good luck, I hope she comes around and gets on board with you.

That's what I've been thinking, but I like to be diplomatic I mean she's my wife not my neighbor.

When I bought the pistol, we talked a little but I ended up just ignoring her and buying it anyway.  When I got the CWP, we talked about it alot but ended up doing it anyway.  That's what I'll probably do again, but like I said I prefer to be diplomatic.

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2011, 06:08:23 PM »
Yep, you've got a bit of a sticky wicket there. Maybe you should step back and take a look at the totality of your circumstances for a minute.

How long have you lived in your house? Have you or any of your neighbors really had any problem - home invasion roberies or the like? What is the probability of something happening at home, realistically? Factor in if you have any kids, especially of the age where friends are coming over. Have you ever had a need to shoot anything around the house - think fox in the hen house here. If not, you may just want to conceed to her wishes about carrying around the house. If you haven't had any problems in the past, unless things have changed drastically, chances are - or the probability is - that you won't.

When you guys go out, where do you go? To the mall? To a restaurant? To the beach? Again, look at the probability of something happening to you when you go out? What has happened to you in the past? If nothing has happened, why do you think something will in the future? If you frequent "punch palaces", hang out with "players" or otherwise frequent the grey areas of our society, you may want to re-evaluate your life style to something safer. A concealed weapon won't help you.

You may want to make a list of places you go, and come to an agreement of "safe" places and "dangerous" places. Try to get her to go along with - if you can't stop going to "dangerous" places - going armed only to those dangerous places you can't avoid.

Take it from me, carrying around a weapon gets to be a real PIA very quickly. It is guaranteed to print or show at the worst possible time, and leave you, or her stuttering for an explanation.

Just becuse you have a CWP, doesn't mean you have to carry. For the sake of your family harmony, maybe you should back off a bit.

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Offline gundog

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2011, 06:38:35 PM »
That's what I've been thinking, but I like to be diplomatic I mean she's my wife not my neighbor.

When I bought the pistol, we talked a little but I ended up just ignoring her and buying it anyway.  When I got the CWP, we talked about it alot but ended up doing it anyway.  That's what I'll probably do again, but like I said I prefer to be diplomatic.

Oh I understand completely......but if no reasonable conversation will convince her......your options are to do it against her will or don't carry.

Neither way is appealing.

I wish I had some idea how to help her understand.


(she's probably talking to her friends to see if there is a way to convince you not to carry.....LOL)

Good luck.
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Offline spartan

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2011, 06:50:42 PM »
My wife and I have had some similar issues about this and adopted a position familiar with the US Military: Don't ask, don't tell.  Then she can pretend that I'm never carrying and I don't freak her out when I am.  But, that also means that I need a bit of decorum on my part when putting it on or taking it off at the end of the day. 

We are fortunate that what I do carry, and where, are such that she's never in a position to realize it by accident when giving me a hug, reaching for my wallet, or handing over a small child. 

It isn't perfect but it gets both of us through, though I did come into our marriage with a CCW and had carried long before she knew me, so this is a part of our life together. 

By your own admission, it sounds like an underlying issue about all this comes from the manner in which you bought the gun and then started carrying.  That's a hard one to reconcile and my wife would be more than a bit peeved with me if I was in your shoes.
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Offline The Professor

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2011, 07:12:42 PM »
I hate to be that guy, but. . .

First of all, I'm extremely lucky in that my wife not only supports my carrying of a handgun, but also carries one herself.  I've known for a very long time how lucky I am.  We used to compete in USPSA and IDPA matches around the midwest practically every weekend, and you wouldn't believe how many guys would tell me how they wished their wives were like mine.

I had to put that in there to explain where I'm coming from so you'd have an understanding of my circumstances.  No, I am not walking in your shoes.  I know I got lucky that my wife and I have a LOT in common.  In fact, before I married her,  I made absolute sure of 100% compatibility in a few areas: Politics, sex, and religion (guns fall under all three, as far as I'm concerned).  We've been able to sustain a happy and productive marriage for 22 years, so far.

I apologize if this sounds harsh, it's not intended to be so.  It's intended to be as objective as possible.

This problem you're facing is one that is deeper than most people would like to admit.  This shows a fundamental difference in beliefs held by you and your wife.  Moreover, it shows a deeply-held distrust of you.  You are, presumably, an adult and capable of making adult decisions.  Your decision to carry a firearm should be respected by her, even if she disagrees with it.  

She is exhibiting some fear.  I'm not sure how deeply you've delved into her reasoning behind it, but there's something there that gives her an unreasoning fear and distrust.  You can try to root it out of her.

However, and I realize this is an archaic concept, but. . .I am a man.  I am an individual.  I am, so far, a free man.  I carry a handgun for several reasons, only one of which is to protect myself and my family from harm.  I take that decision very seriously and no one is going to convince me to do otherwise.  Yes, I guess I'm violating the forum rules by stating that I carry a handgun where people tell me not to.  No one. . .NO ONE is going to tell me that they will only trust me if I'm disarmed.  There are very few places I will go without a firearm, but I willingly go to those places with the understanding that I am taking chances when I go there unarmed (i.e., a courthouse and the airport).

I will protect my children.  I will protect my wife and I will protect myself, despite what their wishes are.  To me, that is the duty of a father and a husband.  I carry my handgun(s) to my friends' homes.  If they tell me that don't trust me unless I'm disarmed by asking me to leave a gun outside or at home, then I will not visit them, be damned the social stigma.  When I carry a handgun into a friend's home, I am not telling them that I don't trust them.  Rather I am telling them that I will protect them as if they were my own.  

I have a difficult time respecting any man who refuses to protect his family.  If he's alone, childless and unmarried, then it's his decision if he wishes to brave the dangers of the world unarmed.  However, if he has a significant other and/or kids, it is his DUTY to protect them, even if he finds it distasteful.  

But if anyone has a partner who is so diametrically opposed to him or her to protect not only themselves, but their partner and their children. . .there are going to be greater problems down the road.  Especially if she expects you to willfully surrender your most basic human right (to protect yourself) simply because she has an irrational fear.  You're caught in a bad situation.  Give in, and you run the risk of her not respecting you, or your decisions.  Don't give in and she can make life hell for you.

I don't envy you your situation one little bit.  And yes, I do thank the heavens that I found the woman I did.  I will admit, despite an expectation of drawing quite a few posters' ire, that I don't understand how a relationship with such a fundamental difference can be expected to last (and yes, I have had relationships that weren't as compatible. . .and they didn't last).  Please note that I am not telling you to go find another wife.  Another part of a marriage is finding ways around situations such as this.    I just find it . . .perplexing, that's all.

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Offline womule

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2011, 07:22:12 PM »
How long have you lived in your house? Have you or any of your neighbors really had any problem - home invasion roberies or the like? What is the probability of something happening at home, realistically? Factor in if you have any kids, especially of the age where friends are coming over. Have you ever had a need to shoot anything around the house - think fox in the hen house here. If not, you may just want to conceed to her wishes about carrying around the house. If you haven't had any problems in the past, unless things have changed drastically, chances are - or the probability is - that you won't.


well, the neighborhood is peaceful, but breakins and such happen in wealthier neighborhoods due to the fact that there are things worth stealing.  poor people dont have possessions that poor people want to steal.  being poor doesnt make you a criminal, but the bad neighborhoods are filled with poor people and criminals are typically poor due to their foolish life choices, like stealing/killing/raping.

When you guys go out, where do you go? To the mall? To a restaurant? To the beach? Again, look at the probability of something happening to you when you go out? What has happened to you in the past? If nothing has happened, why do you think something will in the future? If you frequent "punch palaces", hang out with "players" or otherwise frequent the grey areas of our society, you may want to re-evaluate your life style to something safer. A concealed weapon won't help you.

You may want to make a list of places you go, and come to an agreement of "safe" places and "dangerous" places. Try to get her to go along with - if you can't stop going to "dangerous" places - going armed only to those dangerous places you can't avoid.


the arizona shooting happened in a costco i believe, it was a "safe place" anyway. schools are "safe places".  there have been alot of gas stations and chinese resturants around here that have had shootings/robberies and they are in "safe neighborhoods"  

it doesnt happen very often that criminals send a note, or a phone call letting people know they intend to make them a victim.  my reasons for packing a little heat isnt inspired by irrational fear, but by rational fear.  life is dangerous, shit happens to people everyday.  someone told me that i was on an ego trip with my CWP, i told them that he was on an ego trip for thinking he is such a badass that he doesnt need a gun.

when i was a boy i was fixing to go fight another boy and my dad told me, "it doesnt matter how big, bad, or mean you are, there will always be someone bigger badder and meaner than you"

i have a friend who served in the marines in iraq. i asked him if he was ever afraid.  he said "yeah i was afraid alot. but i was even more afraid of not doing the right thing and letting my brothers get hurt. so i knew it was better to be afraid of being ashamed of myself than to be afraid of dying"

Offline womule

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #9 on: March 15, 2011, 07:34:43 PM »
I hate to be that guy, but. . .

The Professor

i didnt think any of that was offensive.  most of it  i have been considering for some time, but didnt want to air it on the forum because i didnt think it was necessary for the discussion or didnt want to give anyone the wrong impression.

I WILL carry it whether she likes it or not. I just want to be diplomatic so she will at least tolerate it.  I feel like she should respect me and the choices I make and I should return that to her.  If I ignore her and do as I please, down the road she might make a decision in the same manner that I dont like.  SO, I feel diplomacy is the best way to go. 

She doesnt come from a gun family.  I dont either, except for hunting and  my dad is a cop, but I have always respected guns and now I am an avid guns supporter/owner.  I think her fear is rooted in the fact that guns are designed to kill, and thats their only function.  I havent been unsafe with my guns and given her any reason to not trust me.  I just think that she is thinking with her emotions/fear instead of reason. As an example I could be explaining why I carry and all she would hear is "GUNS KILL" lol


Offline chrisdfw

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2011, 08:27:36 PM »
I don't care that my neighborhood is reasonably safe, I carry anyway.
I carry everywhere it is legal, and would not be willing to change that.

Anyone who would deprive me of the ability to protect myself is extremely suspect.

I agree with the prefessor, anyone who does not trust someone like a spouse with a
weapon is showing a fundamental distrust that does not belong in a close relationship.
Something is wrong there. Either with the relationship of the spouse.

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2011, 08:50:55 PM »
Tough one. I have no experience with a reluctant spouse (we are still talking about carrying a weapon right?), but I will say this.

Are you more uneasy with not carrying or with your wife's uneasiness with you carrying?

The answer is what I'd do.

I can say it is doubtful you will ever need it. It was doubtful I would ever have needed it, until I did...more than once. And I am only counting off-duty, non-work related incidents. You can be 100% cautious and still find yourself in a world of hurt. Having a gun gave me options.

I respect anyone's decision to carry or not. I wouldn't dream of thinking anything negative about one who chooses not to. For instance, I do not carry when home for the day and secured within my home. I am never far from one and find it unlikely that I won't be able to reach one if the occasion presented itself. Some folks will say "What if they kick in your door and get to you in a few seconds?" As a former SWAT guy and considerable experience before and after, I can assure you that the vast majority of doors cannot be "kicked in" in anything resembling a few seconds. Commonly used kinetic breaching tools (rams - 1, 2, and 4 man) have difficulty with a lot of doors. YMMV, a close look at your doors is in order here.

You're a smart fellow and your concerns about your spouses feelings show it. You'll figure it out. I don't think anything is wrong with you, your spouse, or your relationship based on your OP. Every marriage has friction, even those who say theirs doesn't.

Offline BerserkerPrime

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2011, 11:07:55 PM »
Some good input here.  May I add a couple more ideas?

1. Not sure where you live, but now days you can often pull up a municipal crime map of your area that will lay out crime by type, frequency, area, etc.  You and your may be very suprised by what's going on around your own home. 

2. Sex offender registry....again, you may be shocked at the scum living on your own block. 

3. I started asking my wife to read the "Armed Citizen" section of my NRA mag. 

4. I listen to Armed American Radio when we're home together.  It helps flow the ideas from another source than a nagging huspand. 

V/r BP

Offline donaldj

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2011, 11:47:57 AM »
 In fact, before I married her,  I made absolute sure of 100% compatibility in a few areas: Politics, sex, and religion (guns fall under all three, as far as I'm concerned).  

Dude that sounds like you two have some wild bedroom fun...    :o

But seriously...  My wife had issue with my CPL. Luckily, it was a "preexisting condition" which she chose to accept. To get her more emotionally on-board, I made sure we talked about the news every night. All the topics, including the home break-ins, the home invasions, the muggings, the shootings, the kids being kidnapped...   and she got the point after a while that the world isn't a happy place with shiny happy people holding hands. It's a hell hole. To drive the point home, have a map nearby, so she can see this is stuff happening NEAR you.

It sounds like I'm saying "Use fear as a weapon", but I am not, I'm saying "Be prepared for things: these people weren't."  By doing this, my wife went from a roll-her-eyes CPL tolerator to an "I'm glad you have it but I'm not sure it's right for me" believer. That is a BIG step.

There was a home invasion about 60 miles from my place, but in the rural area, not the city area. The animals that broke in tied everyone up at gun point. They then raped the mom in front of the other two, and beat the hell out of the dad. All the while, they taunted the kid with questions and made him feel like his "wrong answers" were why this was happening to his parents.

After sending this story to my wife, she now asks me where my gun is if she doesn't see it on me. We now have a home alarm, and she is MUCH better about keeping the doors locked.
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Offline gundog

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2011, 12:13:29 PM »
You know maybe you should get her out shooting.

Even if you have to spring for a decent .22 pistol for her to plink with. It might take away some of the hoplophobic behavior she has been showing.

Just a thought.
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Offline womule

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2011, 01:09:36 AM »
well things might be going my way,  tonight after dinner at applebees got to help out a guy that was getting mugged.  we didnt find out the details but broke up the fight by letting them know that the cops are on their way and theyre going to jail.

i didnt have my CWP since i cant carry in an establishment that serves alcohol.  the mugger was in a choke hold by his victim, we (my brother inlaw and me and one bystander) let him know that if he let go we wouldnt let him get jumped again, the attacker realized he was out numbered and fled once he was released.  i told the victim that the cops are on the way and that he should leave before they get there.

it wasnt till later that other bystanders let us know he was getting mugged, and then we felt bad for letting the attacker go so easily.  we just didnt want anyone hurt. so justice cant be brought to that man.

whichs makes me wonder..... if there were so many people witness it before we did, why were we the only ones who went to break it up.  why were we the only ones who didnt want someone hurt.  i got involved because i cant live with the thought of letting a man get hurt (at first we didnt know the nature of the fight but didnt care)  one short scrawny guy was bouncing around and laughing about it.

i dunno but it was an eventfull dinner, no one got seriously hurt, and i think i have demonstrated my CWP case to my wife.

Offline BerserkerPrime

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2011, 09:47:59 AM »
Real good lessons learned here.  Never assume that the guy getting his ass kicked is "the victim".  The CCW is always good to have, but wouldn't use it to break up a fight that didn't involve me or mine.  There are hundreds of stories where the folks breaking up the fights end up hurt or dead because they waded into a situation that they had no idea about. 

About the only good things to happen in this scenario is that your wife was able to see that bad things really do happen and that you and yours didn't get hurt.  Maybe it's a good thing that Johnny Mugger didn't get his neck broke, but then again, one less scumbag.  Just wouldn't want the guy defending himself to go through the court process because he just wanted to go to Applebee's and some dumbass picked the wrong victim. 

I never let a premises rules stop me from carrying my CCW.  Remember Suzanne Gratia whose parent's were murdered in Lubby's resteraunt in Killeen TX.  She left her weapon in the car because the resteraunt didn't allow guns.  She had several opportunities to shoot the attacker before her parents were murdered, but couldn't because she chose their rules over her protection. 

Suzanne's book would be great for your wife because of the current subject.  Below is Suzannes testemony to congress. 
[url][<iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2AvBliA3q4E" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>/url]

Glad you guys came out unscathed though.

BP

Offline mamabear

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2011, 07:17:28 PM »
This is a tough one for you. As a woman, I would be very upset with my SO if he chose to do something that he knew I was wholeheartedly against. I would feel as if he didn't respect me if he went against my express desires. However, if he sat down with me and talked about it, telling me that he did indeed respect my feelings, but asked me to respect his, I would probably give in simply because mutual respect is needed in a relationship. I have to respect that he is the man of the house and that there may be things that he will do or need to do that I don't like. But I respect him as a man and as the man of the house to know that he has his reasons for doing what he thinks is best, since as man of the house, we feel it is his responsibility to keep us protected. That is not to say I can't protect myself, but that in a relationship we feel that it is his responsibility to make sure he can defend and protect us and teaching me so that I am able to if he is not around.

Many women (sorry to generalize here) are not logical. They are emotional. Trying to have a reasonable conversation may not work. Giving her facts may not work. Start the topic concerning her feelings. You may never understand women's feelings, and I wouldn't expect you to, but by using emotions and feelings for the conversation may help her to understand your feelings and desires. Also, if you know another couple that the male half carries and the wife is okay with it, have that wife talk to your wife to see if she can get to the root of the problem. The other wife might be able to explain in a way (womanly ways) that a man never can the benefits of CC. Perhaps explaining how safe she feels when she knows her husband can protect her in almost any situation. Sometimes a man will not ever be able to explain something in a way that a woman can understand.

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2011, 08:03:25 PM »
you are the leader and protector of your home and family.  tell her you love her and respect her opinion.  tell her you reserve the right to defend her life.  even if she doesn't want it.

MY wife does not carry.  she agrees that i should and she wants her carry permit.  so my situation is not yours.  sorry dude.

Offline womule

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2011, 08:39:02 PM »
@mamabear

Thanks for those tips.  I think the situation is resolved.  We will see.  About the emotional thinking part, for some time I have considered that but was worried others would think it was sexist.  So I didn't air that thought.  Now I feel it is ok to see it that way.

Offline pac1911

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2011, 06:10:11 PM »
Great thread with a lot of great input.  I used to walk in your shoes.  Recently my wife flew home from a family vacation while I stayed longer with my daughters and family.  Before she left, she asked me, "What tools are going to be available to me when I get home?"  She reviewed the specific locations that "tools" were stored and their condition.

She called me when she got home from the airport to let me know that everything was ok at the house and it was just as we had left it.  She then explained that she had felt more comfortable after she had gotten a tool in her hand and then swept the house tip to tail.

She took the pistol into the bathroom the next morning to shower, and downstairs for breakfast.

Eight years ago she had never fired a gun and swore she never would and wanted me to walk away from them.  I told her I loved her, but that option was not on the table.  That was the end of the conversation.  If she wanted to be unprotected she would have to leave me to make it happen.  A year later she shot her first USPSA Nationals.  She has a CCW.  She has sought extensive training beyond that.  As a mother she now understands where I was coming from.

There are some comments that have been made that are right on the money the comment that I agree with most strongly is that we must ignore the concept of safe places and dangerous  places.  Crime happens where criminals choose to commit crimes.  Being in a safe area is no guarantee of safety just as being in a dangerous area is no guarantee of being a victim of crime.  In addition, criminals are smart enough to understand our perception of safety and danger and when possible, the exploit our silliness.

I live in a very safe neighborhood.  I make it safer. ;)  You should do the same!

Good luck, and get that training!!!
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Offline Bradbn4

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2011, 06:24:48 PM »
http://www.crimereports.com/#

Looking for info on the local area - this would better ID it.

You can check I think up to 3+ months to see what crimes - also where the sex offenders are located.

Brad
Brad(bn4) - In Colorado

Offline thezoo

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #22 on: March 29, 2011, 04:30:34 AM »
  If it were me and it were legal where i live ( which it is) i would carry anyway, and pray like hell i never have to use it but feel confident that if i did need it it would be with me.  Trust me you dont want to win that one with a graveside " i told you so".  I trust no one around me, especially the innocent looking ones, so when i can I carry, but im lucky though my wife loves guns, her only complaint is we dont have 10000 of them yet ;D

Offline Asclepius

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #23 on: March 29, 2011, 01:22:01 PM »
Divorce.

Offline endurance

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2011, 01:59:09 PM »
I've been successfully navigating the middle ground for a couple years now.  When we met four years ago I was on a gun sabbatical of sorts.  I hadn't carried since the late 1990s and she didn't even know I owned a gun.  One day the conversation came up that if I won the lotto, what sport or activity would I become more involved in and my reply was competitive handgun shooting.  Her jaw met the floor, as the topic had never come up before, but she also grew up kinda in Texas (I know Austin is technically in Texas, but if you've been there, you might not agree it belongs in the state).  In any case, over the next year or so, I started shooting again, got my CWL, and started carrying.  At first I was more sensitive to her being freaked out about it than she was, but with time, it just became less of a big deal.

Now I'm not going to say there aren't times when my carrying chuffs her a little and I'm not going to say I carry 24/7 either.  I know there's some guys who would think not carrying 24/7 is a danger to my family, but I there are times and situations I don't and far better to keep the peace at home than live with unnecessary tension in the home.  I carry in ways that she doesn't notice and most of the time so it's a non-issue.  On the rare occasion she smacks me on the ass and hits steel instead of my butt, her damning look is more about 'owww, that friggin' hurt' than 'why are you carrying'.  I look into her eyes reassuringly to let her know I'm sorry I wasn't carrying more at 4 o'clock rather than 6 o'clock and I lift her bruise finger to my lips for a healing kiss.  All while waiting in line to check out at the grocery store. ::)
"There are things that you don't question when your home always smells like baking bread."  From The Hunger Games

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Online Docwatmo

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #25 on: March 29, 2011, 02:59:43 PM »
I thought my wife was down with PCW initially a year ago when I got it, she talked about being glad we had a pistol/shotgun at home to protect ourselves and how she had no qualms about grabbing it and shooting someone if they tried to hurt her or the boys.  All along I thought she was down with it and would be willing to get her PCW, but a couple weeks ago she got upset becouse she didn't realize I was always carrying when we were not at home (I still carry at home too).   This weekend I found out that she didn't like me carrying away from the house (I found out later that she initially thought it would attract the bad guys and make me a target, but once I got through on the idea of "Concealed" she was fine with that).

We went on vacation this weekend and on the drive back (Captive audience ;) ) I threw a couple bits and pieces of "What if's" and explained how no matter how "Safe" we think we are, things happen.  I told her about the Killeen Luby's story from Texas and pointed out a few other shootings in unassuming places and workplaces that everyone there thought they were perfectly safe and are now dead, no second chances.  It can happen anywhere, anytime to anyone and although the probability is low, my life and my families lives are worth the extra 20 oz's on my hip, if I never use it, no big deal, if I need to use it, its probably the most critical piece of EDC equipment I have on.  

One of talking points had to do with Iowa's law.  She knew I was armed, and the hotel we went into had a "No Guns" sign.  She was initially really freaked out, but I explained to here how the law sees it in Iowa.  Then on the ride home I explained to her that when someone else becomes responsible for my and my families safety, and they are standing guard over me and my family and jumping in front of me or my family to take a bullet, then they can disarm me.  But since that doesn't happen, I am the only person responsible for my and their safety.  That seemed to be the kicker that got her thinking about it.  After about 30 minutes of talking.  I was pretty sure she understood where I was coming from. (Still didn't think there was a chance at all that she would get her PCW, just accept mine and that was all I could hope for).

Then I had a thought.  If something happened to me while I was carrying (injured, had to go into the school or government building or something and had to disarm and leave it in the van with her), she would almost certainly (without even thinking about it) commit a felony taking my gun from me or taking it home.  So I mentioned to her that just to be on the safe side, even if she never carried a weapon, we should get her her permit so that she wouldn't have to worry about it.  Plus every person who has a permit is a plus in the system, even if they never carry, just because of the numbers.

Not only did she surprise me and say, "You better go ahead and get me signed up for the next class".  She then insisted we stop at the gun show (Which she wanted to skip and let me and the boys go to on Sunday instead) We stopped at the gun show as we passed through Cedar Rapids Saturday and shopped.  She wanted to look at pink guns (she had seen a couple at Sheells).  As long as it made her want one more (Who's afraid of a pink gun ? (Yes i'm afraid of a pink gun if its pointed at me but I'm talking in general compared to dark scary black guns etc) then its not a bad thing, once she starts shooting i'm sure she'll look more at features, comfort, grip, etc rather than color, but whatever works in my book is a good thing.   (Yes, we did pick up a BB gun for the youngest and a new holster for me, a mini rail for the 10/22, got some gun oil from a friend of mine who was working the show, and the wife fell in love with an expensive Sig with the most beautiful purple (one of her 2 favorite colors) metallic reflectively blued slide.  (What can I say, she has good taste ;D).   I was floored, once she got past the initial "Fear" of guns (mostly brought on by media hype and movies for sure), she opened up to the idea.  I'm hoping to get her on the range this weekend and shoot a friends couple of pistols to try out.  I'm quite giddy with excitement.

I sure hope you find an amicable way to breach the "Fear" barrier.  Once a gun becomes a tool rather than a "Big Black Scary Death Machine".  Logic and reason start to take over the fear and things get much better.

Good luck

Doc
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Offline Muddyboots

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #26 on: March 29, 2011, 03:36:42 PM »
Some people marry sports cars and wonder why their marriages end up as wrecks! If you live a Porche lifestyle marry a porche. Most people live GTI lives and wold be better off with a similar style. We tend to live F-250 lives and had best keep that in mind when looking for partners. If your partner freaks out over a broken nail when you are removing a tree from the road, think how they will do with a knock on the side of the head when you are putting a tree ON the road (Pinzgaur lifestyle!?!) Okay, I beat that analogy to death (yet remained gender neutral!)

Talk with her. Educate. Talk about scenarios and situations. Don't push too hard. Let her discover the answers for herself but keep good answers available for her to "discover." If she's a reader get a couple of the books written by women on carry. Consider getting her to look into Model Mugging, It is a good course and makes things very real (in a good way!) This will lead further down the path of self reliance.

Don't actively go against her expressed wishes. Take her shooting. A lot! This will do more to demystify "Gunz" than anything. If she starts getting into shooting, support her! Be prepared to buy her better gear than you started out with. Be doubly prepared to send her to a good training school too.

Read Docs post again and learn from what HE did!


HTH!

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Offline GreyWolf

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2011, 07:40:04 PM »
An idea, but you might not like it. Nobody worries about their spare tire until they are stuck on the side of the road on a cold rainy night. If there is a low, low income area close by, drive through it with her in the car. let her see with her own eyes what that neighborhood looks like and the people who live there. Maybe by seeing an area she never goes to will help open her eyes to the real dangers out there that she is sheilded from. It  might help. Tell her you sure are glad you have a legal right to carry so you can protect her if anything should occur.If you surround yourself with a warm safe protected evironment, then you never get to see the real world or have to deal with it. It's easy to pretend the world is not a dangerous place with no need to be prepared if you dont have to deal with it everyday.

Offline technicalanarchy

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #28 on: April 28, 2011, 05:35:58 PM »
Share some of the news with them, if they don't agree with you carrying to protect them share the news.

Just "Oh look at this"

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/apr/28/kpd-seeking-possible-serial-car-burglary-suspects/

"Serial car burglers who would have thought?"

or

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/apr/28/man-robs-north-knoxville-store/

"Oh look guy robbed the local Weigel's, yeah that one 2 miles away from us, people are crazy"

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2011/apr/25/police-accused-oak-ridge-home-invaders-threatened/

"Oh my God! Home invaders threaten to burn the house down!"

I live in a mid size town and it's mostly calm, but you never know...

I don't pick and choose when or where to carry. If I'm dressed and its legally allowed I'm carrying. So shes use to it now :)

Sometimes when we are out at night she mentions shes glad I'm carrying. Usually that's at a parking garage.
Thanks,
Mike

Offline dep190

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Re: wife hates husbands CWP
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2011, 05:54:42 PM »
As a retired Officer I don't even give my wife the chance to say anything! And after all our years together she now accepts I will have a gun many times we are on the road!
If I feel the need to have a weapon I have it! Retired officers are on a different standard then most ccws! that said, you can find several different variants in equipment to carry!
The point is carrying concealed she most times does not even know I have it!
It only takes one incident to change her mentality about the situation!
Encourage her to take a class or a citizens police academy which will open her eyes to the real World and its dangers!