Heavy G's marriage advice column

[Heavy G]

Got this tough question in a PM (keep them coming).  Remember: I am not a trained professional.  I think that will be clear when you read my answer.

"Heavy G: I am in a divided marriage.  By that, I mean I am Jewish and my husband is Catholic.  I am a libertarian and he's a liberal.  He smokes and I can't stand it.  I drink Pepsi and he drinks Coke.  I have two kids from my first marriage and he has three of them.  Sometimes (often, actually) the kids don't get along and accuse the other parent of favoring their kids.  What can we do to make this work better?"

Pepsi?  Seriously?  How can you drink that swill?  You need to quit drinking Pepsi and then maybe your husband will love you.  All the other stuff you mention can be cured with ... you know what.  But not the Pepsi thing.  I smell Pepsi on a woman's breath and I'm throwing up.  No boom boom for you, ma'am, with that crap on your breath.

Hope that helps. 

[ncjeeper]

There is hope. I drink pepsi and my wife drinks coke. Been married 18 years now.

[Heavy G]

There is hope. I drink pepsi and my wife drinks coke. Been married 18 years now.

My professional advice is to divorce her.  Yes, over cola choices.  See, I'm a professional.

[archer]

My professional advice is to divorce her.  Yes, over cola choices.  See, I'm a professional.

but what 'Profession'? The oldest one???

[Docwatmo]

Heavy G has now been officially warned for his "Anti-Pepsi" rants.   Here at TSP, we enjoy a very diverse membership of cola drinkers.  Doesn't matter if your a Coke, Pepsi, RC, or even a Shasta lover.  Your welcome here.

[archer]

Heavy G has now been officially warned for his "Anti-Pepsi" rants.   Here at TSP, we enjoy a very diverse membership of cola drinkers.  Doesn't matter if your a Coke, Pepsi, RC, or even a Shasta lover.  Your welcome here.

Um wait, we do against RC lovers... I mean jeesh! RC Cola?
just joking  RC cola lovers

[bdhutier]

Big Red Zero, baby!!!

[TexasGirl]

Um wait, we do against RC lovers... I mean jeesh! RC Cola?
just joking  RC cola lovers

For those of us down South that might speak with a little drawl, that's 'pernownced' "aRe-uh Cee" Cola.   And they go real well with a Moon Pie.

What ever happened to Nehi Orange Soda?  Or Grapette?

Is there hope for those marriages?

~TG

[Heavy G]

What ever happened to Nehi Orange Soda?  Or Grapette?

Is there hope for those marriages?

~TG

No, there is no hope.  If you're drinking Nehi or Grapette, you're 100 years old.  After all that time with one mate, it's time to mix it up at the retirement home and start swinging.  That's my official marriage advice: break off the 75 year marriage and go "play the field."  I'm a professional.

[Morning Sunshine]

We do not have a cola war in the house.  neither of us can stand carbonation, so we don't have to worry about it. 

but hubby likes to drink milk.  he would go through a gallon in 3 days if I bought it.  I cannot stand the stuff!

[TexDaddy]

Dr. Pepper, only Dr. Pepper and nothing but Dr. Pepper.

...but hubby likes to drink milk.  he would go through a gallon in 3 days if I bought it.  I cannot stand the stuff!

One of my brothers would drink a gallon with supper.

And be careful MS or you will end up like my Granny. She wouldn't drink milk either. One day, when she was 80, she was walking down the hallway and her hip broke, causing her to fall. Osteoporosis is not good. Nursing 5 children like she did takes its toll.

[moprep4life]

This is THE best thread!
I can't believe it took me this long to find it.

[mrdan]

What ever happened to Nehi Orange Soda?  Or Grapette?

~TG

Had one this weekend. Baby girl had a peach nehi.

[Heavy G]

Another PM:

"HG, my husband saw that TV commercial Tom Brady did for UGG shoes.  He wants a pair.  I thought UGGs were only for women.  What do you think?

Stumped in Pittsburgh"

First of all, I hate Tom Brady.  And where I live only girls wear UGGs.  But I have seen some very manly men wearing them so I have to conclude that UGGs are not just for women.  Pretend your husband is Tom Brady and everything will work out fine.

[ag2]

Heavy G.

I have to travel out of town for work; boss didn't give me a choice.  I leave early in the morning on V-day.  My wife SAYS she understands.  All she said was, "You better send me flowers." And she also said, "It really doesn't matter, we can't get a baby sitter anyway."  But we ALL KNOW I've already got one foot in the doghouse even though this is out of my control.

So, I figured I need to start with a pretty big arrangement of flowers.  That's a given.  But it's probably not enough.  I'm open to suggestions.

Doghouse resident.  Formerly known as AG2

[TexasGirl]

Dear Doghouse Ag2,

Make V-Day happen early, like Monday night.  Pick a theme she might like, such as "Valentine's in Venice."  Take her to a romantic Italian restaurant, after all, they are 6-9 hours ahead of us in Italy, depending on which time zone you are in.  So when you have dinner at seven on Monday night, it's actually Valentine's day in Venice.  Besides, the baby sitters are more available on Monday. 

Oh, and keep the flowers coming for Tuesday, they will be more of a surprise after the Monday Tuesday.

*We now return you to your regularly scheduled marital professional*
(which I'm sure has a recommendation on what to do after dinner!)

~TG

[Docwatmo]

And don't forget to sext her,  I hear wives just love that.   

(Yes, I've been attending Heavy G's Marital Advice University.  Only took me 8 minutes online to get my degree)   

[Cool Blue]

Heavy G.

I have to travel out of town for work; boss didn't give me a choice.  I leave early in the morning on V-day.  My wife SAYS she understands.  All she said was, "You better send me flowers." And she also said, "It really doesn't matter, we can't get a baby sitter anyway."  But we ALL KNOW I've already got one foot in the doghouse even though this is out of my control.

So, I figured I need to start with a pretty big arrangement of flowers.  That's a given.  But it's probably not enough.  I'm open to suggestions.

Doghouse resident.  Formerly known as AG2

Have Valentine's the day after: cards and chocolates 50% off!

I've been trying to convince my wife to do this for years....

[TexasGirl]

Have Valentine's the day after: cards and chocolates 50% off!

I've been trying to convince my wife to do this for years....

Yeah??

And how's that workin' for ya?

There are many times where cheap or thrifty are good; showing love for your best-est most-est significant other isn't that time.

Thinkin' Doghouse for Cold Blue, too...

*wonders if Cold Blue's wife has Heavy G's PM address?*

~TG

[Morning Sunshine]

personally, as a woman, I HATE valentines day.

if my hubby does not show me love and respect every day, flowers on feb 14th is not going to make up for it.  he is more than welcome to bring me chocolates on march 10, or flowers on june 3 or whatever any day.  I will even love to accept them on feb 14, as long as it is NOT because it is valentines day, and the world says he HAS to or be in the doghouse.

*note, hubby is wonderful, and I never feel a lack of knowing he loves me.  he shows it every day and in a 1000 different ways.

[bartsdad]

Have Valentine's the day after: cards and chocolates 50% off!

I've been trying to convince my wife to do this for years....

I've got the opposite problem. My wife is very frugal and has a calf if I were to waste money on over priced flowers that will be wilted and thrown away in a week. She is much happier if I spend $10 on a bouquet as a surprise any time of the year than if I spend $100 on roses on Feb 14 because the tv told me to.

[Morning Sunshine]

I've got the opposite problem. My wife is very frugal and has a calf if I were to waste money on over priced flowers that will be wilted and thrown away in a week. She is much happier if I spend $10 on a bouquet as a surprise any time of the year than if I spend $100 on roses on Feb 14 because the tv told me to.

+1  exactly what happens at our house 

[Docwatmo]

What's Valentines day?   Never heard of it.   

[Cool Blue]

I've got the opposite problem. My wife is very frugal and has a calf if I were to waste money on over priced flowers that will be wilted and thrown away in a week. She is much happier if I spend $10 on a bouquet as a surprise any time of the year than if I spend $100 on roses on Feb 14 because the tv told me to.

sigh...lucky man.

Wanna trade?

[Greywolf27]

I've got the opposite problem. My wife is very frugal and has a calf if I were to waste money on over priced flowers that will be wilted and thrown away in a week. She is much happier if I spend $10 on a bouquet as a surprise any time of the year than if I spend $100 on roses on Feb 14 because the tv told me to.

She isn't my wife... yet... but yeah, same story... most of the time.  She really doesn't care if it is really shiny or glitzy... it's the surprise that does it...

And what woman doesn't like to be seen being surprised by the love of her life?

[ttubravesrock]

Yeah??

And how's that workin' for ya?

There are many times where cheap or thrifty are good; showing love for your best-est most-est significant other isn't that time.

Thinkin' Doghouse for Cold Blue, too...

*wonders if Cold Blue's wife has Heavy G's PM address?*

~TG

Its been working out great for us.  Go to the store a day or three after VD (why does VD have to stand for Valentine's Day AND Venereal Disease?), and pick out some awesome chocolates... usually 50-90% off, and stock up for the next few months.

Also, for all you men on here, make sure you are aware of the men's counterpart to Valentine's Day on March 14.  Google it and you will understand.

[archer]

And what woman doesn't like to be seen being surprised by the love of her life?

depends if it is you.....

[Greywolf27]

depends if it is you.....

Why you gotta go there Archer... damn.. 

[archer]

Why you gotta go there Archer... damn.. 

'cause i'm an old sourpuss.

[LvsChant]

I've got the opposite problem. My wife is very frugal and has a calf if I were to waste money on over priced flowers that will be wilted and thrown away in a week. She is much happier if I spend $10 on a bouquet as a surprise any time of the year than if I spend $100 on roses on Feb 14 because the tv told me to.

Exactly my feelings... I actually like celebrating Valentine's Day by making a nice breakfast for my family, decorating the kitchen table with some simple heart plates, etc. and putting small chocolate surprises beside their plates. I really don't much want a big Hallmark holiday celebration that involves spending money on silly things. My mom started this in our family when I was a kid growing up.