Author Topic: Heavy G's marriage advice column  (Read 100702 times)

Offline ncjeeper

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #210 on: May 05, 2012, 02:02:56 PM »
Its proactive. 8)

Offline Heavy G

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #211 on: May 05, 2012, 06:30:51 PM »
Got this PM:

"This thread isn't all about sex, is it?  Well, let's see if it is.  I have a non sex question.  It's about discipline (not that s&M shit you're probably thinking you sickos).  My wife goes super easy on our kids; I am more of a traditionalist.  Whenever I ask the kids to lift a damn finger around the house, they go screaming to mommy, who yells at me and says that asking them to pick up their shit is basically child abuse.  Child abuse?  I'll show you child abuse..."

I feel you, dude.  I was in a similar boat.  I grew up poor and my wife didn't.  No one gave a shit about my feelings as a kid--you just did your chores and that was it.  Apparently that's not how things are now.  Sometimes I feel like my kids are the Kardashian girls. 

Anyway, I resolved this by giving up.  Yep.  My kids basically have diplomatic immunity.  They can't get in trouble for anything.  (That's not really true but it feels that way.)  I had a choice of constantly arguing with my wife or just rolling with it.  I rolled with it.  They're good kids so it's not like I'm letting them borrow the car to go out and buy crack.  ("Hey, get some for your dad!")  I think disciplining children is third on the marital conflict list, right after money (number one) and sex (number two).

You have no control over your kids when you get down to it.  Your wife, your kids' friends, and the public schools have far more control over them than you do.  I decided not to ruin my relationship with my kids over it.  Besides, they're good kids.  They get crack for their dad.

Offline archer

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #212 on: May 05, 2012, 07:55:46 PM »
You have no control over your kids when you get down to it.  Your wife, your kids' friends, and the public schools have far more control over them than you do.  I decided not to ruin my relationship with my kids over it.  Besides, they're good kids.  They get crack for their dad.
that's why you are soo happy most of the time

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #213 on: May 06, 2012, 12:52:00 PM »
...I decided not to ruin my relationship with my kids over it.  Besides, they're good kids.  They get crack for their dad.

Times have surely changed.  When I was in highschool, sometimes you could catch the boys talking under their breath about trying to find some crack, but it had nothing to do with drugs.

There.  That should put the theme of your marriage thread back on it's "normal" track!

~TG

Offline TexDaddy

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #214 on: May 06, 2012, 08:22:04 PM »
Actually, the public schools have absolutely no influence on my children what so ever. They have never even been inside a public school building. They don't set our curriculum and they don't make our rules.

You right about one thing. My wife has control of the children. They ask permission to do their laundry.

Offline Heavy G

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #215 on: May 23, 2012, 09:15:12 PM »
Got a PM today:

"HG~

I have some valuable collectibles.  My wife wants me to get rid of them.  She says they "clutter" up the house.  What should I do?"

[I PM'd him back and found out they're Star Wars collectibles.]

Hmmm... no obvious boom boom solution here.  I might be stumped.

Do NOT get rid of those.  They're worth a fortune.  Find a friend and store them at his house. Or, if you can swing it financially, get a rental storage unit. 

You'll resent her for the rest of your life if you get rid of these things.  Hey, she's no Princess Leia.

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #216 on: May 23, 2012, 11:40:33 PM »
Alternative suggestion.

Agree with your wife, tell her she was right, you were being foolish.  Help her off the floor when she comes to.  This will stop the internal emotional snowball that you have obviously not noticed.

Sell the collectables (while someone else will still pay good money for them).  They are intrinsic for only one half the relationship, anti-trinsic for the other half.  Non-edible during a crisis situation, owning them was obviously going to create a crisis situation.  This will allow someone else to inherit the crisis, it's nice to pay some things forward.

Buy your wife something special. (additional Boom Boom insurance)  If you buy yourself a gun also, do not exceed what $$$ she gets to spend (that's important!) and do not appear to enjoy it more than she enjoys her something special.  Spend the remainder on food storage as insurance "for both of you."

Be thankful the Force is now with you, not against you.   

~TG
« Last Edit: May 23, 2012, 11:59:53 PM by TexasGirl »

hobbs67

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #217 on: May 24, 2012, 08:09:42 AM »
Is anyone else shocked by the fact that Star Wars collectibles and wife was actually used in the same question and that the wife appears to be not made up?  I'm flabbergasted. ;D




Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #218 on: May 24, 2012, 11:32:41 AM »
Do you know why she dislikes your collectibles?  Have you tried understanding her feelings about the situation?  If you haven't yet, and you go to the trouble of understanding her perspective and feelings, you may well desire to do as she asks anyway.

Also, looking at Texas Girl's advice, I'm reminded of the idea that a man isn't allowed to have anything that's his, that he greatly likes in his own home.  x.x  That, or it's consigned to some kind of "man cave" and the wife claims the rest of the house.  I'm not saying that's the case here, or at Texas Girl's place, but that could be the dynamic that is being set up, and that's not a healthy dynamic.

If this is the case, I'd say that this sort of thing cuts both ways.  If she has a collection that you don't like, then either she doesn't know this fact, or she's being hypocritical.  In this case, you might try following Texas Girl's advice, but also adding that you should also sell off her non-edible, space-consuming anti-intrinsic collection at the same time, since she feels so strongly about getting rid of collections.  Yes, if you have limited space and wind up tripping over them, this includes the "sacred" shoe collection.

If she doesn't have any collections, and cleans a lot of her stuff out into the trash/donation bins, then I'd say she's simply got a standard she likes to adhere to, and is attempting to do so.  Far less problematic, and if it's a healthy standard for your living space and relationship in general, it should be encouraged (especially if she does the cleaning).

-----

Also, no.  Star Wars is mainstream.  The majority of Americans have seen Star Wars, and many have owned something or other star-wars at a time in their lives.  Collecting Star Wars memorabilia is no more surprising than collecting sports junk, stamps, or books.  Now if he had said something like a collection of Fredy Crugar masks, or a framed collection of Sci-Fi babe posters, or a collection of nose-hair trimmers, then I might have been surprised.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2012, 11:38:46 AM by Josh the Aspie »

Offline charles

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #219 on: May 24, 2012, 11:42:47 AM »
I follow a rule my old man told me, what ever you spend on yourself at least 1.5X more on the wife. Example, I got a blackberry playbook  I got her an Ipad 2 that she wanted.

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #220 on: May 24, 2012, 12:30:16 PM »
<--- Collects Blue Sky ceramic churches, Boyd's mohair bears, spices (100+), and recipes.  Her house seems to collect dust.

I'm not saying that's the case here, or at Texas Girl's place

TexasGirl claims the whole house, but she's single and can do that.  She also realizes that at the point she finds another husband, there will be concessions, like half the shoes may go (if he wants any closet space).  But she is not opposed to him collecting guy things like guns.  They might even look good sitting next to her bullets.

After all, a healthy marriage involves lovingly give-and-take.

Offline archer

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #221 on: May 24, 2012, 12:35:45 PM »
After all, a healthy marriage involves lovingly give-and-take.
boom-boom!

Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #222 on: May 24, 2012, 12:44:41 PM »
Yeah, I saw you talking about ex-husbands, but I wasn't sure you hadn't re-married since the last X, and didn't want to spout off about a situation I wasn't sure about.  All I did was point out that I wasn't making a claim.

As far as I'm concerned, everyone has a few types of collections that are intrinsic to their nature, and that need to be respected.  For example, I am willing to get rid of some of my books, especially if there is a space or money emergency.  But no one should ever expect me to get rid of all of my books simply for space or convenience reasons (or even a third).  Similarly with my computer equipment and bone-yard.  I am a computer and reading guy.  If you like me, it's probably at least partially for my brains, and those books tend to help with that.  :P  My collections tend to be mostly practical things, tools of some variety or another, mostly for use, but sometimes tools for recreation (known by some as "toys" *eyeroll*).

Both people need to respect the collection types that are linked to the other person's activities and nature.  Other types of collections should be more negotiable.

I definitely agree with the give and take.  In a marriage you, your nature, and your talents don't just belong to yourself any more, even within the earthly realm.  Of course, I'm single, and will continue to be so until I find the right woman (and likely until we repeal marriage 2.0) so what do I know?

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #223 on: May 24, 2012, 12:48:20 PM »
I follow a rule my old man told me, what ever you spend on yourself at least 1.5X more on the wife. Example, I got a blackberry playbook  I got her an Ipad 2 that she wanted.

hubby got after me last night for not spending money in my "fun" budget for so many months years it has now accumulated to $700.  he said he spends all his, and I feel guilty for wanting something like a tumbling composter.  he asked if I felt bad that he was spending money on himself.  "no, you work so hard for our family, you need some fun stuff."  "so do you!"  so I quickly thought up a perfect excuse: "I am saving for a big family vacation."  he bought it.

I know, I am an odd woman, not liking to spend money.  I hate shoes.  I dislike shopping for clothes.  I hate nik-naks and other clutter-y things.  But I know I have a good man.

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #224 on: May 24, 2012, 01:02:52 PM »
Yeah, I saw you talking about ex-husbands...

No, not plural.  And was married for 24 years.

I've been divorced for almost 6 years, a good single man is hard to find.  As you saw, I'm open to reducing things like shoes, or even liquidating non essential things.  One guy I dated thought I should only need 3 pairs of shoes (a black, a brown, and sneakers)  He didn't make the cut.

Maybe he was afraid of boots?

LOL

~TG

Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #225 on: May 24, 2012, 01:19:10 PM »
Ah, my error.

And I'm not sure.  My mother is a shoe person, and I never got it, but she kept giving me shoes, and these days I have more shoes than most guys do, even among the ones I don't intend to scrap, or give away.

I have my 2 colors of dress shoes, sneakers, dojo vibrams, every-day vibrams, porch-sandles by the porch-door, and some generic berkenstocks (no, they are not big, black, funky, and never belonged to a guy named berney).  There's also thongs for gym showers.  I have a pair of boots that don't fit as well.  Still looking for a pair that do.  These would be limited to use for hiking in rocky terrain that vibrams somehow could not handle, or for extended treks where my feet would be under snow 40+% of the time.  Like lava flows, or Alaska, or shoveling snow.

I also have several shoes I just haven't bothered to sort together and take to a donation location, or tear apart to harvest the leather for projects yet.  However, I have always viewed shoe shopping as an excruciatingly frustrating experience, and if someone wanted to take me shoe shopping, I'd much rather go have my teeth cleaned... unless they said we were shopping at the mythical lost store of shoes that are actually designed to fit feet, and be used as the tools they are.

Offline Sister Wolf

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #226 on: May 24, 2012, 07:22:56 PM »
Josh-who-likes-shoes? Meet TG-who-likes-shoes. Honestly, you guys would make a pretty darn cute couple.

*steps back and grins*  :popcorn:

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #227 on: May 24, 2012, 08:45:09 PM »
LOL

Sis, hun...   I appreciate the thought, but I think Josh is younger than my son.

~TG

Offline bdhutier

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #228 on: May 24, 2012, 09:23:45 PM »
... since she feels so strongly about getting rid of collections.  Yes, if you have limited space and wind up tripping over them, this includes the "sacred" shoe collection.

Just throwing it out there: High heels are exempt from the above policy.  She can have as many of those as she wants...  :excited:

Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #229 on: May 24, 2012, 09:50:50 PM »
Heh.  Well thanks Sister Wolf.  For some reason people keep trying to set me up with lady friends.  Rarely, if any, anyone interested in the position herself, though... and I haven't had much luck there either.  x.x I'll stop before I get maudlin.

Also, I am not a shoe junky, and find shoe junkies disturbing.  I am merely someone who recognizes shoes as tools.

And for the record, I am young at heart, but I'm definitely in the range that high school kids, and young adults going for their bachelors would call old.  Then again, some of that young-at heart might be considered immaturity due to not having a tiny life depending on my responsibility yet.

Now, as for high heels... I have come to understand that the design and use of these is to make a woman "look sexy" by making her butt stick out.  I acknowledge that they are a tool for a specific use.  Personally, I would rather she wear shoes that help her be sexy, by giving her legs a nice "barefoot" workout, so that her butt is up as high as it is in shoes even when she's shuffling around in the morning.  Also, fun outside of the bedroom is as important as fun inside the bedroom, (perhaps more so), and the more practical the shoes she wears, the more fun things we can do together.

Offline BadgerAngel

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #230 on: May 25, 2012, 06:51:41 AM »
Josh-who-likes-shoes? Meet TG-who-likes-shoes. Honestly, you guys would make a pretty darn cute couple.

*steps back and grins*  :popcorn:

Sister Wolf, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #231 on: May 25, 2012, 07:29:28 AM »
... why do I get the feeling that one of the pastimes of prepper matriarchs is to find un-attached preppers to attach, thus encouraging a new prepper generation?

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #232 on: May 25, 2012, 07:33:42 AM »
... why do I get the feeling that one of the pastimes of prepper matriarchs is to find un-attached preppers to attach, thus encouraging a new prepper generation?

because it is long term prepping for the future :)

Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #233 on: May 25, 2012, 07:36:02 AM »
because it is long term prepping for the future :)

Ahhhsoooooo.  I see this perspective.

Might I suggest that they break out the cast iron frying pans and thwap upside the head the gits and ninnies that scare prepper guys off and away from the concept that it's even possible to find wedded bliss?

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #234 on: May 25, 2012, 07:59:52 AM »
hubby got after me last night for not spending money in my "fun" budget for so many months years it has now accumulated to $700.  he said he spends all his, and I feel guilty for wanting something like a tumbling composter.  he asked if I felt bad that he was spending money on himself.  "no, you work so hard for our family, you need some fun stuff."  "so do you!"  so I quickly thought up a perfect excuse: "I am saving for a big family vacation."  he bought it.

I know, I am an odd woman, not liking to spend money.  I hate shoes.  I dislike shopping for clothes.  I hate nik-naks and other clutter-y things.  But I know I have a good man.

MS -- You sound just like my wife.  She has trouble buying things at thrift stores for herself if they cost more then $2, she will wait years on stuff until she finds it in the right price range....and yet somehow pulls off a beautiful wardrobe, including lots of shoes.  You thrifty ladies amaze me.  (Me, I walk in the store and say "those boots over there look like they kind of fit" and then wear them for years whether they fit or not).

Josh -- I was just kidding about the star wars collectibles -- a stereotype flashed into my mind and made me giggle is all.

An honest answer to the question -- Marriage at heart is about leaving yourself behind as an individual in order to join together and make something better, dying to self to make a great couple.  Sometimes that involves sacrifice, particularly if that involves something that in the larger scheme of things is quite disposable.

The wife may also have negative connotations with the star wars figures thinking that the spouse is not willing to let go of his childhood/adolescence, a problem that is all too common these days. 

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #235 on: May 25, 2012, 08:43:42 AM »
because it is long term prepping for the future :)

MS, I'm long past that stage of life, except maybe thru mentoring.  But not so old that I refuse to buy green bananas, although I do remember the live report of when JFK was shot. 

Now, if you run across someone about 50 that's tall....    well, I might even liquidate some of my collections (other than the more fashionable beans, bullets, and band-aids, of course!)

I would hate to end up back on this thread asking how to save marriage #2!

~TG

PS,  Is anyone else seeing banner ads for shoe shaped tape dispensers on this thread?  Isn't Google wonderful?  Geez!
« Last Edit: May 25, 2012, 08:52:30 AM by TexasGirl »

Offline BadgerAngel

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #236 on: May 26, 2012, 12:36:44 PM »
... why do I get the feeling that one of the pastimes of prepper matriarchs is to find un-attached preppers to attach, thus encouraging a new prepper generation?

Someday, I aspire to be a prepper matriarch.  Right now, I am but a grasshopper, learning at the Elder's feet.

Offline Dainty

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #237 on: May 26, 2012, 04:54:42 PM »
PS,  Is anyone else seeing banner ads for shoe shaped tape dispensers on this thread?  Isn't Google wonderful?  Geez!

Nope, I'm seeing a "Divorce for Men" ad.  :rofl: Way to miss the point, Google. ::)

Offline Sister Wolf

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #238 on: May 27, 2012, 03:29:25 AM »
Awww, a prepper matriarch. At 30 yrs old. I'm.... Honored. I was just noticing the give-and-take between you two and thought it was pretty darn sweet. That's all. :)

Offline Josh the Aspie

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Re: Heavy G's marriage advice column
« Reply #239 on: May 27, 2012, 02:41:14 PM »
Ahh.  ^_^ Well I'm glad you though it was sweet.  And yes, you seem to be a respected female figure that others look to for guidance, who has a position of authority in a prepper community.  That seems to fit the definition of a matriarch to me.