Author Topic: How do you divide chores?  (Read 13299 times)

Offline Roundabouts

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How do you divide chores?
« on: January 30, 2012, 07:39:25 PM »
It's been a week now since we had to put Rudy our Beagle down.  Milo may be in the next few weeks.  It has also been over a week since hubby moved out.  Not sure at this point if it's temporary or permanent.  That is a day by day thing that I am not really ready to deal with.  Rudy was companion 24 - 7 for 7 years.  I need to learn how to live without him.  Like not dishing up his plate at feeding time.  Or putting the blanket on the bed for him at night. 

Today I went to the store and needed to put gas in my car.  It had been a long time since I had to do that.  Hubby did it most of the time since I stopped driving to work 2 yrs ago.  Then he called and asked me if I needed any thing.   I thought and replied no not really.  I didn't know what to answer.  All that got me thinking what am I doing myself that he use to do.  I thought and thought and the only thing I could come up with is he takes the garbage out (1-3 times per week) fills my car with gas (about twice per month if that)  & fills the wood box with fire wood (about once per week).  We just got a wood stove in the first of Dec.  Wow that's not much. 

Now if we are working on a project and I say we need to get this or that done ok.  If I am out working on things when he gets home from work then he will come out and help.  But I have done all the planning and budgeting for that project.  It almost seems like he is nothing more than a tool I use to get work done.  How sad.  I don't want it to be like that. 

So a friend of his said yeah but you don't want to go home after working all day and work more.  That statement pissed me off so bad.  My response was and how do you think I felt working 8-12 hrs per day then going to school full time and raising the kids while I still did everything else.  Ok major resentment.  Thus my question how do you if you do sort who does what?  I am home all the time now so I feel most of the domestics will fall on my shoulders simply because I am here to do them when they need doing.  However I deserve time off.  When the weekends come he has time off me I get to work double time.

I am a tad stressed out now and don't want to over react but this is an issue that will need to be addressed.  I'm just not sure how to deal with this when the time comes.  So advice ideas or what ever input you could provide on what you do would be appreciated.  No we are not newlyweds have been married for 33 yrs now. 

Offline dani3077

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2012, 04:14:15 AM »
Wish I could tell you, but I am in a similar boat with chores...Hubby takes out trash 1-2 times a week (we have to take it out daily). On his 2 days off he will rinse the dishes after dinner (most of the time). He gives his puppy a bath once a week. I still have to take the trash out to the curb on trash day. I do most of the household stuff, I do the yard work, I take care of the 3 kids, also the 3 dogs (including the puppy he just got-except for the bath). He puts off car maintenance so I have to have it done. He also tries to hold off on filling up the car until the weekend when I go get groceries so I have to fill it up. He works 27-30 hours a week, I don't work so he thinks I have to do everything. On his days off he says he needs time to relax, and enjoy his days off. I say wish I could have a day off. He says I get one when the kids stay the night at their aunt's house. (One night a week) though I still have to get them ready to go. I still have to make dinner before they leave and when they get home. I get 12 awake hours with them gone. That is my time off. Though I use the time to go to the store.

But even when I was working and he was not, I still....worked 46 hours a week, went to college full time, studied, took care of a 2 year old, and handled all of the household chores and yard work, including mowing our yard at the time that was a full acre. He did not understand why I did so poorly at my classes. He was enrolled in the same college, but in night classes. I found out he was not even going to the classes, he was hanging out in the student center. They had ping pong, and big screen TVs. People would bring their game systems and he would spend all of his time playing.


I can tell you some things I have tried that have NOT worked for me, but might for you.

1.  Talking to him, tell him you feel overloaded and need a little more help...this worked for about 2-3 days then it got worse and he did less.
2.  Let stuff pile up until he cleans it...Never worked for me, he just shoved stuff in his way off into the floor, and kicked paths.
3.  Let him do his own stuff (laundry, his own desk, have his own bathroom, etc.)...He did do his own laundry, but would only wash what he needed when he needed it, so one pair of jeans. This just ran up the utility bills, and ticked me off every time I would find one thing so I started doing it again. He would move stuff from his desk to an area I cleaned or put it in the floor, I started doing his desk.
4.  Have a chore chart like the kids....I even had my stuff on there, he just ignored it. Also ignored the kids when they said he needed to do his chores. The kids stopped doing theirs.
5.  Pick chores out of a hat...He complained about every job he got. Then the kids started. So did not do that one any more.
6.  Password the computer...He threw a fit. Screamed and hollered. Started drinking (which he NEVER does) I gave in and gave him the password.
7. (This was probably the most successful) Offer sex in return for chores done. This works and still does, but I find the more I did this the worse I felt. (lots of varied feelings on my part). As a result I went from wanting to do this for fun many times a week, to not caring if I ever do it again.


At least when he sees you working he pitches in and helps, mine just follows me and watches me work!! I just use mine as a paycheck anymore. He really is not good for much else. The funny thing is his parents did not raise him this way. His mom passed away 2 years ago. She worked full time until she became disabled. Growing up she did most of the inside housework, though he did have chores when at home. His dad works 50-60 hours a week, and goes home to work with the horses, brush hog, take care of all chores, goes hunting, helps his sister and mom with anything they need. (Repairs and such). He has always done this, his dad always took care of the cars and outside stuff, repairs, picked up after himself, etc, when hubby was growing up. He was not raised this way. His mom and dad were at a loss as to why he has turned out this way. His reasoning in one of the talks we had was...I have done all of that before and I am not going to do it anymore. I guess you mow a yard once and you know how to do it....Now you don't have to do it anymore. If I did not have kids, I would use this same thing against him. I've made dinner once now I don't have to make dinner anymore!!

Offline FrugalFannie

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2012, 06:33:10 AM »
I hear you ladies. My guy used to be like that but never that bad. I figured out that I 'just did' things because it bothered me to not have them done - pick up the dishes he left around, washed his laundry, etc. I was fortunate that I had the ability to just take care of my needs and our son and so decided to just stop doing anything for him. I would makemeals for my son and I and make sure I cleaned up our mess but nothing else. After about a week he started noticing the mess and said something so I said 'I picked up all my stuff.' He looked around and couldn't believe it was all his. It stayed there or about another half day and he realized I wasn't kidding. He went to get clean clothes and had none. When he asked if I had done laundry I said 'I did mine and the baby's.' He cleaned his own. It was really hard for me to leave things undone. I used to be the type that couldn't go to bed with a dirty dish in the sink. I had to make sure I didn't start cleaning up after him again. Because I was staying home at the time I just did all those things that needed to be done during the day. So I started doing some of those things when he got home - like grocery shopping and leaving him with the baby. It's amazing how long I can spend in the grocery store by myself for 2 bags of groceries! He slowly got the message. I decided that he had to have his chores and regardless how much time 'I had' I would not do them for him. I use thus same strategy on my son. So I stopped taking out the trash and recycling and left it for him to do it.

Now we have a very good split on chores. He has a few that are his responsibility or are our son's. But mostly we just do things when we get to them and don't sweat the small stuff. I had to be willing to let him learn to do things his way and on his schedule. Not my way and not my schedule. He does the laundry every weekend including mine that needs to be gentle washed and hung dry. If I need him to do something I tell him. If I want it done by a certain time because having it not done would impede on my chores or activities I let him know that so he cn get it done. That being said, I am more likely now to leave a 'mess' and he will usually end up cleaning it if it gets to the end of the week as I often work Saturday mornings. If the dishes are on the counter in the morning whoever has time will usually just take care of them. We are at the point where we no longer 'keep score' because he realized I did a lot more of this stuff early on and he is doing a lot more of it now. And t be fair I must admit I am not god at 'working with' him on some tasks so it's better for me to do it alone or let him do it.

Offline ttubravesrock

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2012, 02:23:48 PM »
I feel like I do my fair share. 

I work 40 hours a week in the winter and 60-120 hours a week in the summer, depending on the project. 

We don't have trash day, but I take the trash to the transfer site during the winter.
Our kitchen sink drains into a bucket, and I empty the bucket out whenever I am home and it needs emptying. 
Our kitchen sink source is a water tank.  I keep the water tank full of good healthy water.
It snows in the winter here.  I keep the driveway and porch and walking paths shoveled.
I keep our vehicles maintained and full of gas.
I cook about 1/2 of our meals.
I do about 1/2 - 2/3 of our laundry.
I do about 1/5-1/3 of the dishes.
I sweep maybe 6 times a year.
I do about 1/2 - 2/3 of the gardening work.
I carry the bucket while my wife cleans the yard of dog land mines.
I could go on, but I don't feel like it.

Our split doesn't have very many "I will always do X, while you always do Y" items.

There are some things that I don't do very often, like scoop poop.  There are some things that my wife doesn't do very often, like vehicle maintenance and emptying the bucket. 

There are some days where we both sit around and do nothing.  Eventually we get our chores done. 

When it is less than 30 below zero outside I usually end up doing the outside work.  When it is more than 90 degrees outside she usually ends up doing the outside work. 

We have our dream house all planned out and we are both going to build it.  Working together. 

MightyRunt

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2012, 02:47:57 PM »
Quote
I just use mine as a paycheck anymore. He really is not good for much else.
I'm so grateful that someone said that out loud before I did.  DH used to be a real contributor. Then he started having various problems - legitimate ones - and I would take over what he couldn't do. Problem was/is, when he recovers, he never takes anything back. I've honestly taken the stance that I'm a relatively well paid caregiver with benefits. I wouldn't find a job in the real world with flexible hours, retirement and insurance, even in a good economy at my age.

Offline dani3077

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2012, 07:21:48 PM »
Have a really bad head cold today. He had one last week. He had to miss 3 days of work for it. He told me take it easy today. I said, 'but who is going to do all the stuff I need to get done around the house?' He said 'you'. (He only has to work 4.5 hours today) I told him I wish I did have a job so I could call in and miss work. He just laughed. I was cleaning the kitchen and he said 'well the good news is, it (being sick) only lasts about 3 days.' I said yeah for you, you got to sleep. He said that he helped clean the house when he was not sleeping. I said you rinsed the dishes when I washed them. He said yeah I helped clean the house. I was like really???

Also while all of this was going on, the kids were driving me crazy trying to have me help redecorate their rooms. I was trying to vacuum the living room. He sat on the couch and said 'too bad you are not like a worm. We could cut a small piece off and you could grow into 2 of you' But he never offered to help.

I did have him start dinner. We just had chili and cheese nachos (again not feeling good) he said something like 'at least I started dinner.' I replied, 'yeah, but it wasn't that hard' he said 'it must have been, it was too hard for you to do' This was while I was arms deep in dishwater washing his lunch dishes.

I think the problem is similar to mightyrunts-once I took over a couple of things for legitimate reasons. (him being sick, then again when he had some nerve pain in his legs) It was hard for him to do them, so I did. When the issues resolved he never took them back. He knows I have a slight case of OCD and when things start getting too messy it really drives me crazy. So he KNOWS I will clean it/take care of it myself, when it gets to that point. I have depression/anxiety and if the house is a mess, I feel worse. I feel better when the house is clean. It just ticks me off that he doesn't help. Better to be ticked than depressed. I guess.

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2012, 11:52:53 PM »
dani3077 sure hope you feel better.   Good grief I read your words and oh could rant for hours. Such BS.   It strikes a cord with me and really peeves me off big time.  I wish I had words of wisdom to pass along.  Every time I think I have it figured out I find out I was wrong.  Every time I think wow this change is good it's gotta stick I am wrong.   So the only thing I can say is you can vent here if need be.  PM me if it helps. 

I  have gone off a few times and something about getting all that out of your system hitting send and having your words disappear it's like it took a lot of the bad feelings with it.  Or the other day I called my friend and just went off big time on her voice mail.   :pissed: at the end I said just venting you don't really need to call me back just hit erase.  shoot thinking back I doubt she could even understand a word I was saying. LOL I did feel better afterwards.    My twisted attempt  at humor So take 2 aspirin do 3 loads of laundry scrub the floor and wash a toilet cook 6 meals and PM me in the morning.  Isn't that the cure for when a mom gets sick?  That's what I was told  ;)  hang in there 

Offline ttubravesrock

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2012, 12:26:04 AM »
So take 2 aspirin do 3 loads of laundry scrub the floor and wash a toilet cook 6 meals and PM me in the morning.  Isn't that the cure for when a mom gets sick?  That's what I was told  ;)  hang in there

Not if you are allergic to aspirin!

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2012, 12:44:46 AM »
oh man that would suck guess you would have to make 5 beds and bake 40 cupcakes for the kids to take to school tomorrow.   Of course you don't find out about that until you are tucking them in bed or worse as you are trying to get them out the door to school.  ugh I painfully remember all to well.    :o

Of course that is not as bad as hubby saying  oh yeah I forgot to tell you I made rank yesterday and we have a dress blue inspection at 0500 (5:00AM). No worries honey I will fix stitch and press and do my hardest not to vomit on your hat.  Oh gees I thought you would be happy I made rank.  So does this mean you wont shine my shoes?  Only if I can do it with vomit.  Dang you are in a bad mood boys leave your mom alone she has PMS. No I don't you do  Perpetual  Male Stupidity.  (Where's the little face with me pulling my hair out!)   For the record I passed every inspection ;) A+ for me

Offline USMCAllen

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #9 on: February 02, 2012, 01:53:33 AM »
Well this thread makes me feel terrible about being a male. I'd like to think I help my wife a fair amount. I really think I should try to do as much as I can even though I'm having a few health issues (back problems) right now.

Offline dani3077

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #10 on: February 02, 2012, 10:05:24 AM »
Well this thread makes me feel terrible about being a male. I'd like to think I help my wife a fair amount. I really think I should try to do as much as I can even though I'm having a few health issues (back problems) right now.

Don't feel bad! I am hoping all men are not like this and hopefully more helpful. It would be good to know you were one of those few! I live in hope that there are good men out there somewhere!  If you think you help enough just ask your wife. She might have a different opinion! Or she will confirm that you do help enough. We understand health problems. That is actually why I think I am in this mess. Hubby had health problems, I picked up his slack. He left it at that even after his health problems were resolved. So if you get your back all fixed up don't forget to pick up the stuff you put off (hopefully you do soon-cause back pain hurts you doing anything! sitting, laying down, standing-all is painful with back problems!)


Always reminds me of the joke...Woman was outside repaving the drive way. Hubby sticks his head out the door and says 'hey honey, don't worry about emptying the ashtray. I got it for you.'

Also I am sick, I am always grouchy when I am sick. I would love to be able to sleep a while, and have no worries. Just rest. And check on me every couple of hours to see if I need meds, or drink, or food. Just one day of being taken care of while sick would be wonderful. 

@Roundabouts glad you always passed inspections! Being sick and all. I was in ROTC in high school. My grandma always did my uniform. (her husband, I never met, was in the army so she knew all about how they were supposed to be done!) I was responsible for shining my shoes however. (after the first time when she taught me how to do it!)

Thank God I am not allergic to aspirin. I can skip the make 5 beds and bake 40 cupcakes. LOL. Though I did do 2 loads of laundry, washed 2 toilets, cooked 3 meals, vacuumed the floors, and 2 loads of dishes, made one bed, helped with homework, helped re-arrange and redecorate 2 kids rooms, take 3 dogs for a walk twice, feed dogs twice, water dogs umpteen million times, stopped kids from killing each other 3 times. Also take out the trash twice, and take trash to the curb. Hopefully that will cure me of being sick

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #11 on: February 02, 2012, 10:18:10 AM »
USMCAllen  sorry to hear about your back.  I broke my back a few years back so know all to well what a bummer that can be.   jYou know for me it's really not about keeping "score" for who does what.  I think it's more where the responsibility lands.  In my case he will do what when where how I tell him.  It might take a very heated discussion ok a war to make it happen but eventually he will drag his feet and do it.    The problem is Dude this is your house you work hard for it so why would you just let things go?  Why do you treat me like I am your mother nagging all the time. Oh man I hate that. 

I just don't see what's wrong with having coffee in the AM and having a conversation that goes something like  So ya know I would really like to get ABC done this weekend is there any thing you would like to get done?   

Or something like him telling me hey I have to stop and get new batteries for the smoke detector is there any thing you need as well.  For gosh sake he was a fire fighter for years and years part of haz mat and so many other things.  But no he lets it go.  I will pick up the batteries and ask him if he would bring in the big ladder so I can change them out.  He will say don't worry about it I will do it.  But he doesn't.  Now I am not talking he wont move on it for an hour or day or week 6 months will go by still not done.   So do it myself because that is to dang important to let ride plus what a stupid  thing to fight over.    Then he gets mad at me for doing it. 

He wont partake in the money works no planning no balancing the check book no paying bills even after he says he will.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt again he said he would pay a $50 bill to the ER.  I said ok if you want to.  he says no worries I can call it in and put it on VISA.  Ok I have worked to dam hard to start charging stuff again.  To avoid an argument I figured ok I will just watch and when it comes in will pay it.  So in my mind I am still the one paying the bill.  What ever.  So months come and go and I never saw the charge asked him about it and oops I forgot.  Well really then where is the statement they sent.  How can you forget if you are getting the statement / bill in the mail.  He did not want me checking up on him like a kid so I left the mail alone.  UNTILL  oh SOB it went to collections!  Now that $50 bill was going to cost $100.   :pissed:  His response well I guess you should have paid it.  I forgot because you are the one who always pays the bills.  Just like I don't know how to do the check book because you have done it for so long.  So good excuse he can't do it because I have done it.  Wow that's rich.  WWIII. 

It's just stupid stuff like that.  A childish power struggle.  And blame game.  Funny thing is if I read this post to him and he didn't know it was mine he would call that guy a dumbass.  Even say that woman shouldn't put up with that kind of crap.   

I know that is what he would say because I wrote the story of how he only made his side of the bed.  Because he was helping 50-50.  So if he made his 1/2 he was doing his share.  He couldn't believe that someone would do that to their wife.  Then I showed him it was me that wrote it.  He was totally lost for words. 

I can say over the years I have felt that he was a stupid a$$ SOB.  Well the tides have turned I am feeling like I am the stupid one for staying with him.  After all I had /have the power to leave.  I am done with senseless arguing and power struggles.  I am tired of thinking and planning by my self.  I am tired of being alone and having a child for a husband.  I have worked hard and had his back for years.  No that the kids are grown and the dogs are passing away I truly have nothing holding me here. 

I can't keep hoping and wishing things will get better.  They either are or they are not.  It was proven to me again last night that he only cares about himself and can't even be bothered to give a comforting hug while we wait for the vet to call to tell us if Milo has cancer.  I would rather mourn the loss of both my dogs by myself than to have him here requiring me to comfort him while I suffer alone.  I am shocked at how long I have let hope and love and commitment blind me. 

But as they say do not make any major decisions while you are in mourning.  Wait till the raw pain fades.  So I will wait.  Try to keep busy and take care of myself.  I just feel like waiting to build a new life is not something that I should be dragging my feet on.   Life will go on and things will get better but I can see this is TEOTWAIKI at least the end of my personal little world.  SO SO fr(&* stupid and so senseless.   

Offline ttubravesrock

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2012, 11:43:13 AM »
This thread is one of the reasons I think that people should live together for a year or so before getting married. 

Also, many of you mention your kids in these posts.  It should be easy to get them involved with the chores.  I had chores growing up.  I wasn't perfect about getting them done all the time, but now that I'm an adult, I'm sure every little bit I did helped.  I'm still not perfect about doing all the chores, but like I mentioned previously, I do my fair share.  You would never expect a four year old to make a bed, but offer them a quarter, or a dollar and I bet they would do it.  It may take them an hour, and it may not be done perfectly, but it keeps them busy, teaches them the basics, and takes one chore away from you.  If your kids are a little bit older, offer them more money to do the chores in addition to not letting them do fun stuff.  Being older, they can also do more advanced chores, like laundry, cooking, cleaning bathrooms, gardening, vacuuming, etc. 

Now, I am not a parent yet, so take my parenting ideas with a grain of salt knowing that I have never had kids. 

P.S. After my first post on this thread, I asked my wife if she felt like I did my fair share of chores around the house.   She said that I do more than enough.  That made me feel better about my input.

Offline SpitFyre

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #13 on: February 02, 2012, 12:31:36 PM »
Speaking from the other side of the coin, I know i don't do as much as I probably should.
I do often try and help Entity when she's doing a project, I am however severely limited in what I can do. There's a broken back and nerve damaged knee, the biggest killers are depression which in turn affects motivation.
I am lucky enough that Entity understands this, she however does keep kicking my ass through it, which is a good thing.
To the outside I would just look lazy. Internally some jobs which should be 'easy' are nigh on impossible for me to do due to depression... yet she still kicks my ass, sometimes physically to do it :P No she's not abusive, it's good that she does it. Dishes are one such problem, and cleaning my room. I'm fine with cleaning almost any other room but my own. Lordy knows why.
Guilt is also a good motivator for me I've found...I used to game heavily, in the end I've stopped playing most of the time because it's got in my head that we really should be doing other things...like working in the garden or various other projects.
I'm half expecting to be shot down in a ball of flames over this post, but there it is from the 'other' perspective.

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #14 on: February 02, 2012, 12:54:15 PM »
Yeah good for you. :D  Asking is the best way to find out how things are going. 

Me and my hubby did live together for 2 yrs.  That was 33 years ago.  My kids always had chores?  I never really considered them making their bed a chore.  When they were about 2 maybe younger they were involved making their bed.  Now obviously the were not doing hospital corners but they would put their pillow up on their bed and teddy bear.  I considered that making their bed.  It was on their level.  As they grew it was just a given make your bed pick up your room get dressed put your back pack and coat by the door then come to the table for breakfast.  After eating take your dishes to the sink rinse or put in the dishwasher or even wash it.  They did not get paid for doing that.  It is just something you do.  You are part of the family and life so this is what you do.

  If you want money then you work for it.  Sweep the drive way wash molding scrub trash cans.  Things that were out of the ordinary.  They also had different jobs that paid different levels.  Or they could go to neighbors  and ask to sweep their drive way or something that was age appropriate.  If neighbors did not want to pay for that I would offer to give the neighbors the money that they could give to my kids.  They could even sell things out of their wagon.  They started that about age 6 -7.  I as a child about age 7 would go house to house selling veggies.  By age 8 I would hire other kids to do it for me.   

 Both my boys wanted to learn how to read and do math because that was the skills needed to bake cookies or make candy.  By the time my oldest was in the 3rd grade 8 yrs old he was making soups and sandwiches for dinner for the entire family including relatives that was 9 people.  I could hear him in the kitchen telling his younger brother " no fold the napkins this way it's fancier"  his brother was 4 at the time. 

By the time they were 12-13/ they could cook very very well from scratch even make bread.  They could design a shirt cut it out and sew it up.  Although they preferred to make super hero costumes They could weld swords and make nice wooden handles and knew how to sharpen knives.   They could load bullets and shoot both guns and bow arrows  they could drive a car or tractor back up a truck and trailer (their first driving lesson was age 3 & 5)  hunt bag gut a deer and knew how to cook it.  It wasn't long after that they built their own computer.  As soon as they were 16 they went out and got jobs so they could be rich as they put it.   They both got sick of high school and found alternative ways to get their diploma.  One son did it 2 yrs early the other 1 yr early.

Now that they are adults they seem to have forgotten so much.  They have lost touch with their roots.  The hamster wheel and treadmill of life has a hold of them right now.  I am sure one day they will remember and wake back up. 

The boys learned a lot of those skills from their dad.  The man has great skills and knowledge.  It's amazing how much he knows.  Over time it just has all faded away and if he was older I say wow this must be a second childhood.  That is part why I have held on for so long. 

Oh lord!!! just had a thought!!!  You guys are great.  I love venting here because it clears my mind of all the chatter and clutter.  I do have one more trick up my sleeve.  Oh good grief what a duh moment.  I need to change his diet again!!!  Hard core health nutrition and body focus.    He is probably having an empty nest syndrome.  At least in part.  That on top of getting older and his body changing holy crap why didn't I see that before?  Had to much clutter of the brain.  Thanks guys for letting me vent and putting your comments in.   This possibly may have just saved a 33 yr old marriage. 

Ok so it will take or should take about 3 months hope sooner but I should see some change within 3 months if this is the answer.  This is the win win option I have been looking for I know food can change moods and so much more.  if it does not help that's ok we will both be stronger and healthier so better off no matter what.    Yes that little voice inside my head is saying negative things yup grasping at straws again.  Oh shut the hell up. 

Myotoxins in corn can mess with the brain function and hormones.  Holy crap he has had a big thing for corn over the last 10 yrs getting bigger and bigger.  The time line fits ok off to do research. and menu plan wish me luck

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2012, 01:07:41 PM »
 Internally some jobs which should be 'easy' are nigh on impossible for me to do due to depression... yet she still kicks my ass, sometimes physically to do it :P
I'm half expecting to be shot down in a ball of flames over this post, but there it is from the 'other' perspective.
[/quote]

Some times we have to kick ass that is also a part of loving someone.  No I would not shoot down someone with a different point of view.  It is these points of view that help me see or figure out what I need to figure out.   I would imagine that if you are having chronic pain that can really lead to depression.  Some times that is a chicken or egg question.  And sometimes we don't need the why  answer what we need is a now what  answer. 

I am going to hit the food remodel program big time my marriage and my personal world depend on it.   Increase water to start ASAP like now.  might I suggest the same to you.  Drink a few large glasses of water over the next 2 hours and spend 15- 20 minuets in front of the mirror smiling at yourself.  Hold that smile make a funny face smile.  Now you did something you can feel good about.  Do it again before you go to bed.   Maybe show some love to your honey and wash / polish  the frame you have a picture of your love in.  You do have a photo don't you? If not get one!

Offline ttubravesrock

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #16 on: February 02, 2012, 01:31:22 PM »
Yeah good for you. :D  Asking is the best way to find out how things are going. 

We are very open with each other.  It is best that way.

Me and my hubby did live together for 2 yrs.  That was 33 years ago.
Are you glad you did?  We lived together for about 3.5 years before we got married. 

I never really considered them making their bed a chore.
What about them making YOUR bed?

They did not get paid for doing that.  It is just something you do.  You are part of the family and life so this is what you do.  If you want money then you work for it.
For what its worth, I never got paid for my chores either.  No allowance.  If I wanted money, I would make crafts and solicit neighbors.  I just mentioned money because lots of kids my age did get allowance.  When I got older and crafts were "for girls," I put on tennis shoes, a swim suit, and a tie and went door to door with a wagon with a lawnmower, manual edger, a broom, and a can of gas asking people if they needed their lawn mowed.  I made a lot of money doing that.  More than any other job I have had until my current job.
I as a child about age 7 would go house to house selling veggies.  By age 8 I would hire other kids to do it for me.   

Very entrepreneurial of you!   :D

By the time they were 12-13/ they could cook very very well from scratch even make bread.
I didn't learn to make bread until I was about 16 or so, but I was making soups and baking and other random stuff from a fairly young age.  I probably could have made bread, but never tried.

They could load bullets and shoot both guns and bow arrows  ...  hunt bag gut a deer and knew how to cook it. 
This is an area where I am a little bitter.  My parents were, and still are extremely afraid of guns.  To the point where I was never allowed to have a squirt gun as a kid!  Because of that, I never even saw a real gun until I was about 17 and went out to a family member's ranch and asked them to teach me to shoot their rifle.  I never owned my own gun until I was 24.  Now at 26, I still haven't been hunting (soon to change), and while I could probably gut an animal in a timely enough manner, it probably wouldn't be very pretty. 

As soon as they were 16 they went out and got jobs so they could be rich as they put it.
I started working at 15 so that I could afford to buy my own car.  I liked having a job so much that I continued working full time all through high school and college.  Except for 6 weeks where I was unemployed after I moved to Alaska, I have had a real tax paying job full time since I was 15. 

Now that they are adults they seem to have forgotten so much.  They have lost touch with their roots.  The hamster wheel and treadmill of life has a hold of them right now.  I am sure one day they will remember and wake back up.
I agree.  It's all still in there.  I'm glad you know that if they need those skills, they will not have to learn them.  They will only have to remember them.

Oh lord!!! just had a thought!!!  You guys are great.  I love venting here because it clears my mind of all the chatter and clutter.  I do have one more trick up my sleeve.  Oh good grief what a duh moment.  I need to change his diet again!!!  Hard core health nutrition and body focus.    He is probably having an empty nest syndrome.  At least in part.  That on top of getting older and his body changing holy crap why didn't I see that before?  Had to much clutter of the brain.  Thanks guys for letting me vent and putting your comments in.   This possibly may have just saved a 33 yr old marriage. 
That's one of the many things I like about this forum!  Venting is important for everyone. 

Yes that little voice inside my head is saying negative things yup grasping at straws again.  Oh shut the hell up. 
Tell that little voice who's boss!

wish me luck

Of course!  Good luck!  Enjoy being healthier, and don't forget to communicate with him.

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2012, 01:54:46 PM »
Quote
Oh lord!!! just had a thought!!!  You guys are great.  I love venting here because it clears my mind of all the chatter and clutter.
Glad we could help!  ;)

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #18 on: February 02, 2012, 03:13:17 PM »
Yes I am glad we lived together.  I wouldn't have don it any other way.  Took a lot of flack from the relatives but hey it was my life.  We started living together about 2 weeks before I turned 18


Yes I would try to hire the kids to do things for me like making my bed or picking up after me.  However that one did not hold water with them for to long.  They wanted "real" jobs.  Some how the didn't see doing what I should be doing any way as a job.  Out of the mouth of babes.  It was always better if they could have a tool or something to work with.  Oha happy days when I said they passed the dusting spray test.  They did love to dust well until puberty…


If you showed up at my door dressed in a swim suit and tie I would hire you for sure.  To funny.  Very entrepreneurial of you too!

My parents were very anti gun.  Hubby’s parents very pro.  I liked guns just not killing bambi.  I never let the kids have toy guns to run around with.  All guns were treated like real guns.  If you pointed a squirt gun at your brother the gun was taken away and smashed period.  No discussion.  Pointing a stick at a human and saying ha ha bang bang you are dead this is a fun game to pretend to kill people. NOPE not tolerated in my house.  You could how ever target practice or practice hunting skills for food.  Holding a stick or squirt gun up to a bird and saying I got him was ok IF you could say why you would take that life.  “Easy mom the stray cat looks hungry and is to tired to hunt for food”  Good job son. Of course since we live on base there were talks of war and how sometimes you might have to take a life but it should never be a “fun game” to kill. 

yes I try to communicate  all the time but he very rarely has any thing to say.  I swear that man would rather have me cut his jewels off with a butter knife than tell me how he really feels or what he thinks.   I get sick of trying to talk.  That is one of the things that just arugh  :pissed: you mean you want to fight about or talk about not talking ?  are you frigen kidding me.  How stupid is that. 

Offline TexDaddy

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #19 on: February 02, 2012, 03:22:24 PM »
To help prepare the next generation, especially if you have sons (if they are school age, they can learn to do, at least, these chores well) make sure they:

1. Make their own beds.
2. Do all of their own laundry. Wash, dry, fold and put away.
3. Clear and clean the table, and do the dishes after all meals they participate in.

My boys do/did these with out "extra pay." They did (2 older and on their own) and will do this (2 younger still at home) as long as they live(d) in our house.

Sure it was extra trouble getting them trained. It is well worth the effort in so many ways.

Offline dani3077

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2012, 03:37:49 PM »
@spitfyre- I am hoping you do to the best of your ability. If so I have no issues. That is really all I ask of him. Do to the best of his abilities. He is capable of cleaning off his desk. He CHOOSES not to.

About living together-
We lived together for about 6 months before we got married. Then got pregnant. He was fine until the baby was born, so about about 15 months he was fine, pulled his own weight, picked up after himself, helped clean without me asking. Once the baby arrived he slowed down, after each kid, he helped less and less. (we have a total of 3 together). Now he does almost nothing.

About the kids...if you seen 2 people-one cleaning all of the time, keeping up with everything, paying all the bills, and essentially a mess from chasing after kids all day. The other person-goes to work, comes home, eats, plays on the computer for several hours, goes to bed, gets up, plays on computer for a couple of hours, goes to work, repeat....Which would you want to be?

It takes a lot for me to get them to do anything. My 5 year old likes to tell me 'It's your job' and 'no, your not the boss'. I still try. Sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. They have certain things they have to do. Clean their rooms, clear off the table, but sometimes it always seems like a fight. They watch what their dad says and does. They learn from that.

Offline TexDaddy

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #21 on: February 02, 2012, 03:42:26 PM »
Well, I don't even want to think about what might have happened if one of my boys had ever said anything like that to my wife.  :o

Offline chrisdfw

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2012, 05:51:32 PM »
Well, I don't even want to think about what might have happened if one of my boys had ever said anything like that to my wife.  :o

My mother would have hurt me...

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2012, 06:11:07 PM »
Good for you TexDaddy!!   We were military when the boys were young.  My husbands boss was over and heard me say something what would your dad say.  He kindly pulled me aside and gave me the best advice I had ever gotten on parenting.  He said You have to be the boss not dad no matter what.  It is highly likely that your husband will get shipped overseas for a year or more. More than once if he is a lifer.  Then what will you do?  You also want to hope that if he goes overseas that it is while the boys are young and need their mommy more.  The last thing you want is a teenage boy needing a father who has no or little respect for you.  Take charge now.   (He was also the guy who gave my husband a direct order to take me out to dinner and a weekend get away.  He didn't like the way I was being treated.  I just loved that guy.  In all fairness to hubby I really didn't like to go out to eat or spend the night in hotels it just grossed me out.  So we settled on a camping trip. )

I did that & it really helped when the boys were teenagers.  Even their friends were like oh gawd hope your mom wont find out.  They didn't  even want to face me.  But did for fear I would find out any way and it would be worse.   Report card day so funny to have 10 teen boys lining up at the kitchen table to show me some crying (I promise  I will do better next time)  some smiling hey look how good I did.   Those that needed to do better had to bring homework here and work on it for 30 min or they were not welcome.  They had to sit at the kitchen table with me and the timer set.  If they forgot their homework when they came over I said try again tomorrow and shut the door in their face.   See when the boys made a new friend they would have to meet me.  I would sit them down at the kitchen table give them tea or hot coco and have a nice chat.  Then I laid down the rules You don't lie to me ever you don't steal from me ever you always tell me the truth no mater what Help yourself to the fridge any time.  If you dirty a dish wash it.  Give me your parents number because I will be calling them to make sure they know where you are.  And then the big on I am the boss I have always been the boss and I will always be the boss.   Follow those rules and you are welcome here any time day or night Any questions?

Only once did one of my boys puff up at me and mouth off.  Smack game over.   He went crying to dad.  When dad tried to get in the middle I just looked at him and said you will be next if you don't back off.  There will be NO disrespect like  that in this house period.  Hubby should of backed me up and when he didn't well if I have to go mom on him or stand my ground I sure will.   

When the kids thought they were getting to big for their britches and said you can't slap me or nothing cuz I will turn you into the cops.  OK fine in the car and down to the police station we went.  That stopped that crap real quick.  It wasn't long and my son came crying saying I am so so sorry mommy I didn't mean it.  Now the discussion can begin. 

Now mind you I am not for beating children. But a swift smack on the butt gets the point across real quick when it's needed sometimes.  I will not negotiate with a two year old especially when it involves playing in the dangerous street.  Nor will I negotiate with a puffed up teenager telling me he will come home when he dam well feels like it.   

Kids can be real good at trying to take the focus off their behavior by bringing you into it.  That did not work here.  I am an adult you are the child and adults can do differently than children.  Your husband worked and paid for his game and house and so on.  The children did not.  It is irrelevant what they see their dad do or not do.   When they are an adult or dad if they choose to do those things that is one thing until then you get to make the decisions for them. 

I sure miss having a house full of kids.  but I do love seeing them all grown and proudly bringing their kids by to visit.  They introduce their kids with smiles and pride then tell them this is Ms D. she is the boss she has always been the boss and she will always be the boss.  If you are honest and be good then she will let you make cookies with her or do homework with you.  She might even let you read one of her books.   It just warms my heart.  So of course I go and get the book and let them know tis is the book I use to read when I was little and I use to let your dad read it when he was little. Would you like to read it too?  Oh they just love it.  Ido to.

Offline Heavy G

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2012, 08:29:13 PM »
I am doing way more chores now because my wife isn't snapping at me if I don't do a chore exactly correctly.

In the past, she would basically say, "You didn't do it right. Forget it.  I'll do it."

Well, guess what?  After hearing her say a dozen times "I'll do it" I said, "OK, you do it."  Then she wondered why I didn't do it.  Because she frickin' told me not to.

So I just started doing chores my way and not caring if I did them "wrong."  Pretty soon she realized I was getting things done.  Now she's pretty cool about it.

I'm not saying all the women on TSP are control freaks.  I'm just saying that guys are like anyone else: if you convince us we can't do it right or can't make you happy, we'll quit trying. 




Offline Roundabouts

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #25 on: February 02, 2012, 10:02:33 PM »
good point Heavy G. That is very true. I use to nag about how the dishes were done when we first got together.  Then it hit me who cares how they are done as long as they are done.  I know we will always do things backwards and opposite from each other it is just the way it is.  He likes chocolate I like vanilla he loves peanut butter and I love strawberry jam.  He says it's 8' +4'=12' I say it's 4'+8'=12' It's almost a joke because we know exactly what the other will say always the opposite. 

Offline TexDaddy

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #26 on: February 02, 2012, 10:36:19 PM »
...He said You have to be the boss not dad no matter what.  It is highly likely that your husband will get shipped overseas for a year or more. More than once if he is a lifer.  Then what will you do?  You also want to hope that if he goes overseas that it is while the boys are young and need their mommy more.  The last thing you want is a teenage boy needing a father who has no or little respect for you.  Take charge now...
This is as true as anything ever spoken. My Dad told my mother "You have to get your bluff in on them early." There are not many 15 year old boys that are not physically capable of manhandling their mother. You MUST NOT let this happen. When my four brothers and I were all between the ages of 14 and 18 and even the youngest was 6" taller than my mother it would have been entirely possible for any and all of us just to ignore her. We did not. It never occurred to any of use not to do what she said when she said it.

...When the kids thought they were getting to big for their britches and said you can't slap me or nothing cuz I will turn you into the cops.  OK fine in the car and down to the police station we went.  That stopped that crap real quick.  It wasn't long and my son came crying saying I am so so sorry mommy I didn't mean it.  Now the discussion can begin....
One time my oldest threatend to call CPS after I had disciplined him. I said, "Go right a head, cowboy and then you will be a ward of the state." That shut him up and I never heard anything like that again.

Offline MaddoginMass

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #27 on: February 03, 2012, 10:51:45 AM »
Heavy G, well put.  If my wife is going to come along behind me and redo what I just did, which was sufficient but maybe not up to her standards, why should I even bother in the first place.

That being said, the older I have gotten, the more I am doing things to her standards, not consciously, but it is just happening.  It only took me 20+ years of marriage, but I finally figured out that when my wife is happy.....we are all happy.

Offline ncjeeper

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #28 on: February 03, 2012, 11:22:47 AM »
Me and my wife use to split the cores, but now I seem to be doing alittle more than her. Its probably about 60/40 now. I wash my own clothes and do most of the cooking because she can burn water  :o. I do all the outside stuff and vehicle maintenance. She does the dishes and inside cleaning. We have been married for 18 years now. If the dog has an accident in the house, then the first one home gets that chore. :P

Offline Cedar

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Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #29 on: February 03, 2012, 03:50:38 PM »
And now you know why I am single and keeping it that way. Much much much easier and less stressful than thinking you are in a partnership only to find out you are being used, getting stressed out and feeling resentful about the other person.

I am so sorry to hear about the dogs Rounds *H* They are nice dogs.

Cedar