Author Topic: How do you divide chores?  (Read 13270 times)

Offline Roundabouts

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1380
  • Karma: 66
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #30 on: February 07, 2012, 11:00:42 AM »
Thanks Cedar I miss them so so very much.  We got Milo's ashes back yesterday and he is on the shelf with Rudy.  Goblin is walking around looking for them.  He is sleeping way more than normal and when he's up wants in my lap.  So we have been playing ball a lot to take our minds off things.    At least the tears have stopped now and I can finally eat.  Now to focus on other issues.

Hubby has been around and some talking has happened and a whole lot of fighting.  When that starts I just have him leave.  I am not going to argue or fight over stupid crap any more.  Lets talk and work it out or there is the door. 

Even if we don't pull through this I don't regret spending 33 yrs with him.  Ok maybe 32 yrs this last one has really sucked.  I will always want to be married.  For me having the right life partner just make the good times even better.  It really does not matter who you are with ALL relationships go through their crap storms.  You either come out the other side stronger and closer or farther apart.  Some times it's just a matter of choice how you want it to be.  Other times it's just not a good fit any more. 

The ball is in his court now so to speak.  I have been able to voice very clearly in language or words (few as possible) that he can understand what it is that I am needing now.  I think that the chore thing he was mad at me because there were days I didn't do the dishes or much of any thing and things would pile up.  Oh I just wanted to knock him into next week for that statement.  But I didn't.  I just explained that over the weeks he has been gone I have had to fill up the car bring in fire wood and take out the trash.  Other than that nothing really change for me.  If the dishes are piled up or the house is trashed maybe if it makes you mad or unhappy you need to talk to me about it.  Because first of all that is not me.  So maybe just maybe there is something that is really bothering me or wrong for me to not keep up on things.  Or maybe I have said I need time off.  If I take time off and there is no one to pick up the slack then things will pile up.  Or maybe I was out building fence or clearing brush all day.  So yes you can be mad but maybe I need you to be more concerned about what I am going through and I need to know that you have my back if I go down.   And maybe I am just being lazy for a while.  I need to hear what you are feeling and or thinking.  I need you to share that with me.  Because that is how I know you really care.  Honesty and truthfulness is very important to me.   I tried as hard as I could not to attack him.  Not really sure if I was successful but it was not a huge blow out.   

The other thing I touched on was that if it bothers you so much about having dishes in the sink then why don't you yourself wash the dishes as you use them?  In all fairness he does wash dishes when I cook we have a good system down for that.  But when 1 glass or bowel is dirtied why not just wash it?    Then I asked him what he is thinking and if he could say any thing to me in any way without being afraid that it would start a war what would it be?    Man the crap that came out of that mans mouth.  It was crap because he didn't use one swear word not one.   

Funny I looked at him and said are you sure that is what YOU would want to say?  Think very carefully.  Are you believing the words.  Are they truly your words?  Well they were not his words they were his mothers words! OMG  This was the same speech I heard his mother give over and over when she came home from a bad day at work.  Then to ad injury to insult he was acting like his dad that a man should be able to go out and do man's work.  In the shop in the barn what ever.  Bu I do that too so he was feeling like he didn't have "man's work" to do because I (a woman) was doing it.    The stress was coming from how stupid  that is.  She busts her butt and that hurts my ego.  Then he had guilt and it snowballed from there.  (now if this is just a very cunning way to place blame on me that will show up soon enough so I don't worry about that. I accept his words as truthful and honest)

Here all this time I am doing things so he wont have to come home from a hard days work and put up fence or work so hard here.  Ok sounds very sexist to me.  That's not good I don't buy into gender roles.   It's what the hell I guess I should put on make up heels and an apron with nothing else and serve him a pot roast?   OK on his B-day maybe but not the expected norm.  Do I look Fer-an-gee So he is thinking about what kind of life / wife he really wants.  Maybe we just don't match up any more.  But I think at least I got the questioned answered about splitting chores and what was up with that.  I am sure there is more baggage and crap to have to shovel through one shovel at a time.  But at least I know that if we don't stay together it will be because we don't fit and not because of stupid crap.  To me stupid crap is the saddest way a marriage can end. 


Offline archer

  • Administrator
  • Ultimate Survival Veteran
  • *******
  • Posts: 17075
  • Karma: 380
  • #ImissAmerica
    • Journey to Greener Pastures
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #31 on: February 07, 2012, 03:27:11 PM »
We are here to listen and help if we can Roundabouts. Don't worry about dumping on us.

Offline Roundabouts

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1380
  • Karma: 66
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #32 on: February 07, 2012, 04:26:18 PM »
Thanks.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I should be pretty strong after this  ;)  What a heck of a crap storm.  I guess on the bright  side if we don't get it together there will be fewer  mouths to cook for less laundry and not as much poo to pick up.  Then I will also be free for the first time in my life to move or work where and how  I want to.  People say that's a good thing.  Something tells me it will get worse before it gets better this may be a bumpy ride. 

Seems like I am starting to see like another big slap in the face coming.  He needs to sort things out and think about it.  Fine I can give him that.  He needs to know what he really wants too.  What I don't get is when I said leave he wouldn't then when I said fine stay he won't.  He has 6 weeks vaca time he could have taken the day off work to mull things over.  Brow beat me and whine for me to talk and be a team player then when it's his turn he is running and hiding.  OK that is my gripe for the day.  Give the benefit of the doubt it's all good.  Happier days are on their way no matter what happens.

It may be in my best interest to brush up on the laws so I know where I stand.  I hate to do that because part of me says that I have already given up then.    But to be prepared just in case well need I say more.  I know and have seen people turn very nasty real quick.  Others have told me I couldn't believe he/ she could be so nasty  and I would hate to get caught with my arss hanging in the wind.   

I know being prepared or getting in that mind set helped me through with the dogs and still is helping.  So I guess it would help here too.   Saw a post today WWJD what would jack do?  made me laugh. 


Offline atherts

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 350
  • Karma: 21
  • TSP and Guinness Supporter
    • Karott Productions
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #33 on: April 06, 2012, 09:25:31 AM »
I'm sorry for your loss. We went through that two years ago and it was a pretty black cloud.

Regarding division of chores/work. We went with our strengths for part of it. My wife loves numbers so she does the bills and books. I try and check in monthly to see where we are and see if there are any issues we need to address together. I wasn't doing this at the start and it caused some conflict. We also agreed to discuss any purchases over $100.

Whoever cooks doesn't have to do dishes unless they want to do them. During her busy time prior to taxes, I do both.

I empty the garbage inside and outside.

I take care of the edible growing area, she takes care of the decorative.

She usually feeds the dog. Both of us let the dog out as necessary (whoever lets her out, lets her in) and both of us walk the dog together.

Cleaning the house is a joint effort. I usually do the floor cleaning both rug, wood and kitchen and she does bathrooms and beds.

She usually does the laundry as I can't always be trusted to get the right things together. I'll do the rougher stuff where there is no risk, but I don't touch anything delicate or shrinkable. To many accidents with a red shirt getting into the wrong load and things of that nature.

I clean up anything dusty, yucky or nasty with the exception of vomit and poo. It has been established and proven that she has a stronger stomach for those two things and I'll likely add to the mess rather than clean it up. Probably TMI.

Whoever has the time takes care of the vehicle maintenance like taking it in for a checkup and oil change. That is usually her as she works part time. Anything larger I take care of.

Any medical issues, we both go to the doctor together for moral support and so that two pairs of ears hear what the doctor says.

Mostly it comes down to communication and discussion instead of assumption. If you're thinking about how to make the other person's life better and not what is easiest for you, it tends to work out well.

endurance

  • Guest
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #34 on: April 06, 2012, 09:49:02 AM »
Resentments lie at the root of all marital discontent.  I'm on my third go around, so I'm no expert on keeping things together, but I've learned a lot about what kills a marriage.  The longer resentments build, the less the other person recognizes the sacrifices that are being made to sustain their lifestyle; the more difficult things are to recover from.  Gratitude and appreciation go a long way to keep resentments from building in the first place, but it's not like one big thank you makes up for years of sacrifice; it needs to be daily recognition and mutual sacrifice to keep things working.

I'm sure in his mind he's feeling unappreciated for things, too, but men suck at even recognizing what feelings they're having.  They may come home and be grumpy, unapproachable, or angry because they feel like they're on a hamster wheel at work that they can't escape from because of the need for money in the family, but lash out (or retreat) at the person who's safest; a spouse.

I can't even begin to make suggestions on how to recover from where you are.  I know that my hope for future success in my current marriage is daily praise, compliments and appreciation for all she does for me, and doing my best to pull my weight, offer what I can, and both give each other enough space to also have our own lives where we can have outside successes.  I've done 6+ months of marriage counseling in both my failed marriages, but it did far more to prepare me for my next relationship than to salvage the one I was in.  From my understanding, that's a pretty common theme. 

If you want divorce advice, start getting local referrals for attorneys, do some interviews, and find one who's very pro-mediation vs. risking everything before the judge and playing hardball.  This is a person you've loved for 30+ years and I see nothing more awful than $#!tting on all that by getting a pitbull attorney who's going to make his last memory of you as a vicious, nasty person.  That doesn't mean things won't have their uglier moments; it's a very emotional, very painful process no matter what.  However, there's no reason you have to destroy another human being to move on if that's what it's time to do. 

Good luck and may you find peace and lightness in your heart, whatever your path.

Offline bentwanderer

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 13
  • Karma: 1
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #35 on: April 25, 2012, 06:10:51 PM »
It's been a week now since we had to put Rudy our Beagle down.  Milo may be in the next few weeks.  It has also been over a week since hubby moved out.  Not sure at this point if it's temporary or permanent.  That is a day by day thing that I am not really ready to deal with.  Rudy was companion 24 - 7 for 7 years.  I need to learn how to live without him.  Like not dishing up his plate at feeding time.  Or putting the blanket on the bed for him at night. 

Today I went to the store and needed to put gas in my car.  It had been a long time since I had to do that.  Hubby did it most of the time since I stopped driving to work 2 yrs ago.  Then he called and asked me if I needed any thing.   I thought and replied no not really.  I didn't know what to answer.  All that got me thinking what am I doing myself that he use to do.  I thought and thought and the only thing I could come up with is he takes the garbage out (1-3 times per week) fills my car with gas (about twice per month if that)  & fills the wood box with fire wood (about once per week).  We just got a wood stove in the first of Dec.  Wow that's not much. 

Now if we are working on a project and I say we need to get this or that done ok.  If I am out working on things when he gets home from work then he will come out and help.  But I have done all the planning and budgeting for that project.  It almost seems like he is nothing more than a tool I use to get work done.  How sad.  I don't want it to be like that. 

So a friend of his said yeah but you don't want to go home after working all day and work more.  That statement pissed me off so bad.  My response was and how do you think I felt working 8-12 hrs per day then going to school full time and raising the kids while I still did everything else.  Ok major resentment.  Thus my question how do you if you do sort who does what?  I am home all the time now so I feel most of the domestics will fall on my shoulders simply because I am here to do them when they need doing.  However I deserve time off.  When the weekends come he has time off me I get to work double time.

I am a tad stressed out now and don't want to over react but this is an issue that will need to be addressed.  I'm just not sure how to deal with this when the time comes.  So advice ideas or what ever input you could provide on what you do would be appreciated.  No we are not newlyweds have been married for 33 yrs now.
First thing; you might try having someone forward this post to your husband. I am sure you think you have communicated your feelings on this matter to him, but i can tell you from his perspective he probably did not understand it the way you thought you presented it. But what you wrote here; anonamously to strangers was pretty straight forward . My wife would allways say;"we need to talk"; then talk for an hour and not tell me anything. It wasn't just me i recorded it once and asked a few other people to tell me what she wanted.None of the men or women fully figured it out. So i told her to start venting on paper or to a friend so she could feel comfortable being totally honest and direct. In my case i am sorry to say it helped determin she was just unhappy and did not know herself what she needed or wanted.
By the way i allways took care of her animals all outside chores cars etc. cooked evening meals or brought them home 98% of the time,cleaned up after took care of problems that arose with the (her) children and did the laundry vacumed and mopped at least 98% of the time.

Offline ShannonB

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 377
  • Karma: 32
  • Prepper Mom
    • B4Gear.net
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #36 on: April 26, 2012, 08:39:42 PM »
I love this thread.  As some one now not working out of the home full time.  I have started my own business and work on that part time in the home and full time housewife/Mom.... I now want to beat my children and slap my husband (Sorry Trig, if you read this, duck!)

Offline Roundabouts

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1380
  • Karma: 66
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #37 on: April 26, 2012, 11:01:06 PM »
I love this thread.  As some one now not working out of the home full time.  I have started my own business and work on that part time in the home and full time housewife/Mom.... I now want to beat my children and slap my husband (Sorry Trig, if you read this, duck!)


 :rofl: that cracks me up. 

Can't believe it's been over 2 months now.  That sure explains a lot.  Nothing like reading back and realizing what has changed or not changed.  Hubby is back home now full time but still has his stuff at his friends house.

 Chores well if I don't do them they don't really get done.  And yet some how things are getting better?  There is more participation planning problem solving aka effort so that is good.  When I see it I thank him big time. 

Right now I am in work like crazy mode so all I really care about is getting caught up and getting projects done.  Work with me or get the hell out of my way.  Not going to go over and over and over things.  I have a life to live and you can live it with me or sit there and watch me roll by.  Choice is yours hun.

Offline Kate Change

  • Prepper
  • **
  • Posts: 40
  • Karma: 9
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #38 on: April 29, 2012, 11:18:03 PM »
Glad to hear hubbie is back in.  Kind of makes who does the chores seem less important!  (Can you tell that I am the slob in my marriage?)  Anyway, glad to hear it turned out OK.  There are so many divorces, it's heartbreaking.

Offline Roundabouts

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1380
  • Karma: 66
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2012, 08:46:02 AM »
Yes it is heart breaking for sure.  Thank you.  He finally got his stuff back this las fri.  Even invited me to go with him to meet his friend.  After everything else that is going on right now.  He is much faster on the draw to get stuff done.  You know if the washer stops while you are walking by just change it over.  If you drop a wet coffee filter just pick it up now don't say Oh I will clean it later.   

Oh the worlds biggest slop here for sure.  When I am in my fix it or creative mode it's like a tornado hits.  I can't even walk through the kitchen in clean clothes without the food jumping on to my shirt.  I make messes as I enter a room.  But at I leave a room or at the end of the day I pick up just as fast. 

The kitchen is my nemesis.  I would much rather mow the yard pull weeds and clean out the barn.  I do love to cook but do it outside as much as possible.  Now if I wash dishes I don't mind doing it in the middle of the night or very early in the AM.  So I make sure if I use one plate & one fork I wash it as I go or the next thing you know the entire house of dishes are dirty and in the sink. :-[ 

He is the picky one on how the house looks.  Wants it picked up 24 /7 like nobody lives here.  I am the one who would do all the cleaning.  For the most part I am here so I don't mind.  But when it is expected and disrespected then I take issue with it.  Like when I clean the bathroom sink and he comes along and dumps razor stubble in it and toothpaste on the mirror  :( dang dude clean it off.  I will clean it again and again stubble  >:( >:( So I put a roll of paper towels by the sink Still he would leave a mess.   :pissed:   

Or come home from work greasy hands on the walls and doors.  Dang wash your hands first thing when you get home.  I wash the walls walk by 30 min later and the greasy hand prints are right back on the wall again.  Crap.  When I have cleaned don't disrespect it my coming right behind me and making a mess expecting me to just clean it up again. 

So now he wears gloves at work when he is in the greasy part of his job and washes his hands before coming home and then again as soon as he walks in the door  :clap:   Now he empties his razor stubble into the toilet or trash.  For the toothpaste splatter well just a simple head tilt towards the sink fixed that problem. 

Also we each will do a job that needs to be done when it needs to be done.  If nobody wants to do it like the dog barffed on the carpet.  Then we both do it.  We also have an idea of who likes doing what.  I was chopping wood because I was trying to save him the time and effort.  Turn out he likes chopping the wood! It's relaxing to him.  I hated chopping wood.  He hates mowing the lawn I love it.  I don't mind at all cleaning the bathroom just hate cleaning the shower stall.  Cleaning the shower stall is the only part of the bathroom he likes to clean.  I am short so I clean baseboards he is tall so he can clean the lights.   Neither one of us really likes doing windows but I don't mind it I just hate cleaning the blinds.  So I do the windows and he gets the pressure washer takes the blinds out side and sprays them down.  Last one up makes the bed.  Unfortunately that is usually the dog so the bed vary rarely gets made during the day time.  But we both like getting into a made bed.  Solution make it just before you get into it.  Since we go to bed at the same time we make it together.   ;D   Goblin the boston terrier loves to get under the blankies if the bed is made he will take the pillows off so he can get snugly under them.  Or he will even drag the blankets off the bed and cover himself up.  Silly dog.  He even has his own blankie.  Thought that would solve the problem.  Nope he takes it under the covers with him.  Pups gotta love em. 

So simple solutions to stupid problems that could have been solved without a ton of drama and BS.  Just an honest conversation over a cup of coffee.  Good grief.   It finally got through to him when I put it like this.  So you would rather end a 33 yr marriage give up 1/2 the money house and crap all because you don't want to have a conversation with me to solve simple stupid problems.   And can't be bothered to take me on a $3 date.  You know a can of stew warmed up in a campfire eat out of the can shoot we can even share one spoon.   Really honey you are going to tell the guys not  that your wife wanted expensive jewelry $100 dinners but just wanted to sit by a camp fire eating canned stew & snuggling.  Seriously loose 1/2 your 401k over a $3 can of stew?  Do you think the new girls / women you would date would be happy with that?   Go through all that after spending thousands on counseling?  Seriously? 

I don't know what for sure it was about that but he came home with a starbucks and a can of stew the next day and we sat by the campfire he / we talked up a storm ;D  He even went beyond and made me somemores!!!   END OF STORY PROBLEM SLOVED  :)

PS.  He brought a case of stew home.  He is calling it his marriage insurance.   :rofl: 

 

Offline archer

  • Administrator
  • Ultimate Survival Veteran
  • *******
  • Posts: 17075
  • Karma: 380
  • #ImissAmerica
    • Journey to Greener Pastures
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2012, 09:44:32 AM »
good to hear Roundabouts. hopefully it was stew you like.

Offline Roundabouts

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1380
  • Karma: 66
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #41 on: April 30, 2012, 10:11:04 AM »
yes it was.  Everything thing tastes better cooked on an open fire.  The company was great too. Glad we got it together just in time for this new crap storm.   ;)

Offline archer

  • Administrator
  • Ultimate Survival Veteran
  • *******
  • Posts: 17075
  • Karma: 380
  • #ImissAmerica
    • Journey to Greener Pastures
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #42 on: April 30, 2012, 10:27:27 AM »
yes it was.  Everything thing tastes better cooked on an open fire.  The company was great too. Glad we got it together just in time for this new crap storm.   ;)
keep warm and dry!!! ;)

Offline charles

  • Survivor
  • ***
  • Posts: 127
  • Karma: 7
Re: How do you divide chores?
« Reply #43 on: May 24, 2012, 12:08:03 PM »
My wife and I have a pretty good arrangement (so she says ;D ) M-F I work 0500-1800 (us army) and she is a stay at home mom. After that we both work together, and I dont mean today i do this and tommorrow she does it. I mean we both make dinner together we both take care of the kids together. Saturday I have her sleep in and I make a huge breakfast for her and bring it to her in bed, the kids help with that and she has her quiet time while the kids and I eat. Then we usually go sightseeing (we are stationed in germany) Then on sunday we all go through and thorough clean the house and cars. Thats "generally" how it goes and we are all happy!

Good luck and take care
Charles