Author Topic: She'd rather let it burn  (Read 7813 times)

endurance

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She'd rather let it burn
« on: March 28, 2012, 07:30:10 PM »
Ok, so here's one that totally baffles me.  At first I thought it was just my wife, but over the last few days while looking at the local forum discuss the wildfire in my area it appears that men and women might see things differently when it comes to fighting to save a home vs. letting it burn and letting the insurance company replace it.

While I'll admit, if our home was lost to a fire we'd probably be a lot better off when it comes to dealing with 60 year old plumbing, wiring, windows, and lay out, I'm a fighter and want to put substantial resources into keeping the home from becoming ashes if I have any way of doing so.  To date, I've purchased fire retardant gel, installed a 550 gallon cistern, purchased a 1.5" wildland firefighting pump and removed several trees that were concerningly close to the house.  If it were all mine to decide, I'd take out about 4-6 more trees to provide adequate defensible space, too.  I'm in the process of building an automated sprinkler system for the roof and eventually, under the eves that could be activated remotely.  While explaining my plans my loving wife told me that there were a lot more important things than trying to save the house because she "wouldn't wouldn't want to live in a smokey house with charred trees all around." 

I'll admit, I have a love affair with the lifetime worth of stuff I've accrued, from guns to flashlights, from camping gear to portable toilets.  I see no way that insurance could ever replace it all or even come close, even with a big fat check.  It seems she'd rather drive away with her horses in tow and enjoy a shopping spree after buying a new home somewhere else.

What am I missing?  Is this a gender thing or just a non-prepper thing?  Any advice on dealing with this issue smoothly?

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2012, 07:33:53 PM »
it might be a coping mechanism.  If there is a chance it could go up, perhaps she is mentally and emotionally saying goodbye now instead of waiting until AFTER it happens.  If that makes sense.

Offline Dainty

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2012, 08:52:13 PM »
There could be a variety of reasons. Sunshine has mentioned one, another might be that she secretly never liked the house to begin with, maybe she's always dreamed of a fresh start because clutter drives her crazy, perhaps she knows she'd be so saddened by the sight and smell of the charred landscape that she'd be protecting herself from potentially slipping into deep depression over it...and I'm sure there are other possibilities I haven't thought of.

I'd recommend trying to bring discussion to a point where you can ask her more questions on the subject in a way that she can feel comfortable that you're only trying to understand where she's coming from and won't think any less of her no matter what her answer is. Try to mentally silence your instinctive responses to whatever she says and instead just focus on listening by asking another question based on what she's last said. For example, she said in that scenario she'd rather buy a new home somewhere else. So you could ask, "What area might that be?" Try to avoid closed questions (those that can be answered with a simple yes/no) because asking open questions will draw out her thoughts more. Even if you don't like where the conversation is going, try to follow it through by just listening and restating what she says in your own words to make sure you understand rather than objecting to any of it. Remember, she probably doesn't like listening to potential disaster scenarios from your end, either. :P

Another idea: she said she'd rather just let things burn and enjoy a shopping spree. Do you know of anything in the house that she'd really like to replace? If so, maybe you could surprise her with an impromptu shopping spree for that. Why wait for a wildfire? In fact, if it's something like a piece of furniture destroying such an item first can be very cathartic. ;)

But again, I'm just guessing here. Women are complicated creatures. Good luck! :D

Offline rustyknife

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2012, 09:57:26 PM »
it might be a coping mechanism.  If there is a chance it could go up, perhaps she is mentally and emotionally saying goodbye now instead of waiting until AFTER it happens.  If that makes sense.

I agree with that. She may not want to be put in the situation of trying to decide what to throw into the pickup or trailer at the last minute to bug out and let the rest burn. Another words screw it let the whole thing burn and we'll start over fresh. Might be she's tired of hearing about world events, the coming economic collapse, another world war and zombies. Maybe this fire threat has just put her over the top.

As previously stated women are complicated creatures.

Offline TexasGirl

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2012, 11:12:54 PM »
As previously stated women are complicated creatures.

Who?  Us??

Well, we're just different.  We see things thru different eyes, and with different priorities.

It seems like guys get focused on something and go whole-hog into it.  That's okay, we understand, even if we might not share the same passion for it. 

For the most part our priorities are relational; our loved ones, family, friends, animals.  Except maybe for sentimental things, possessions usually take a back seat. 

So in this case, Mrs Endurance would rather see her loved ones safe than her possessions, and could even feel like going to extreme extremes to protect "stuff" as frivolous.

It's simple.

LOL

~TG

Offline The Professor

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2012, 11:35:45 PM »
"Women are confused, men are stupid.
Women are confused because men are stupid" - George Carlin

True story, Bro.

The Professor

Offline bentwanderer

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2012, 06:23:04 PM »
"Women are confused, men are stupid.
Women are confused because men are stupid" - George Carlin

True story, Bro.

The Professor

Men are stupid because women are confusing.  God can see into your heart but even he can't understand women.

Offline bentwanderer

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2012, 06:29:58 PM »
Ok, so here's one that totally baffles me.  At first I thought it was just my wife, but over the last few days while looking at the local forum discuss the wildfire in my area it appears that men and women might see things differently when it comes to fighting to save a home vs. letting it burn and letting the insurance company replace it.

While I'll admit, if our home was lost to a fire we'd probably be a lot better off when it comes to dealing with 60 year old plumbing, wiring, windows, and lay out, I'm a fighter and want to put substantial resources into keeping the home from becoming ashes if I have any way of doing so.  To date, I've purchased fire retardant gel, installed a 550 gallon cistern, purchased a 1.5" wildland firefighting pump and removed several trees that were concerningly close to the house.  If it were all mine to decide, I'd take out about 4-6 more trees to provide adequate defensible space, too.  I'm in the process of building an automated sprinkler system for the roof and eventually, under the eves that could be activated remotely.  While explaining my plans my loving wife told me that there were a lot more important things than trying to save the house because she "wouldn't wouldn't want to live in a smokey house with charred trees all around." 

I'll admit, I have a love affair with the lifetime worth of stuff I've accrued, from guns to flashlights, from camping gear to portable toilets.  I see no way that insurance could ever replace it all or even come close, even with a big fat check.  It seems she'd rather drive away with her horses in tow and enjoy a shopping spree after buying a new home somewhere else.

What am I missing?  Is this a gender thing or just a non-prepper thing?  Any advice on dealing with this issue smoothly?
That is what makes horse races, and us humans. My wife and i have the exact opposit quaundry. I sold my perect condition 3 year old home in a sheltered cove on a nice lake and moved into the house she has been in for 35 years and had no ideal or help on the upkeep. She still will not even consider a newer bigger nicer place;(tho i have no problem affording) while  i have walked off and left much nicer homes than this; full of furniture; because i did not want to deal with the sale or move. I would burn this one down myself if she just hesitated one time. lol

Offline Reconnoiter

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2012, 07:41:35 PM »
What am I missing?  Is this a gender thing or just a non-prepper thing?  Any advice on dealing with this issue smoothly?

Stop complaining. My last girlfriend thought the smoke alarm was a food timer!!! ;-)

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #9 on: May 30, 2012, 06:34:44 AM »
Stop complaining. My last girlfriend thought the smoke alarm was a food timer!!! ;-)

you mean it is not?  I test my smoke alarms every time I make bacon.  it is on purpose of course.  we need to make sure they work  :P

endurance

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2012, 06:53:22 AM »
I test my smoke alarms every time I make bacon.  it is on purpose of course.  we need to make sure they work  :P
I believe that's an arterial blockage alarm. ;D

Offline TwoStepsFarm

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2012, 11:01:51 AM »
I think women tend to cut their losses easier sometimes. Let's take your situation. If the whole thing goes, even if you save your house, what's left? Your garden will likely be gone, the forest will be gone. And, the clutter will be gone. I'd talk to her and ask what of all that would be lost she would miss most, and what she would be okay with seeing go. And ask yourself the same question.

We're just building now. But, if a fire took it out, it wouldn't just be loosing the house. I think loosing the garden and barn we're planning would hurt almost as much. And living in a fire devastated area would be tough.

Your wife is making a statement that the house and stuff out of the context of the property isn't as valuable to her as it is to you. So, is it the stuff, or the opportunity to start over, or is it the place? For that, I'm afraid you'll have to ask her.

Offline LJH

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2012, 01:18:35 PM »
That is what makes horse races, and us humans. My wife and i have the exact opposit quaundry. I sold my perect condition 3 year old home in a sheltered cove on a nice lake and moved into the house she has been in for 35 years and had no ideal or help on the upkeep. She still will not even consider a newer bigger nicer place;(tho i have no problem affording) while  i have walked off and left much nicer homes than this; full of furniture; because i did not want to deal with the sale or move. I would burn this one down myself if she just hesitated one time. lol

Similar deal here, maybe your wife and I are the exception to the female-think rule. I'll fight to the bitter end to keep my 'stuff' - my tools, machines and my rustic little, decidedly un-fancy house. My husband OTOH would prefer to have all the new modern, glitzy gadgets, eat out all the time and hire everything done even though we're perfectly capable of doing it ourselves for a fraction of the cost.

(He wants to pave the driveway - grounds for divorce in my book!!  >:()

If, God forbid, we were burned out I know he'd want to just drag in a pre-fab and call it good. I'd start over from scratch, build an even smaller house and use the rest of the insurance money for a tractor and a goat barn.

Offline cheryl1

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2012, 02:08:49 PM »
Stop complaining. My last girlfriend thought the smoke alarm was a food timer!!! ;-)
Hey, don't knock it. My smoke alarm does double duty as a kitchen timer as well.  ;D

Offline SA Friday

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #14 on: June 16, 2012, 07:36:03 PM »
Endurance, you must be in CO.  The original post was about the time the Evergreen area was burning. 

Offline Freebirde

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2012, 06:57:48 AM »
If our house burnt, I would wait until it cooled enough and go to where the kitchen is/was and dig out my two iron skillets, clean and start seasoning them.    Then when we get a new place to stay, drag out all the stuff in the storage that we haven't taken the time to go through and sell/give away/throw away.   Most of the clothes won't fit, but the yardsale dishes and pans will work.   The local Goodwill and dollar store will provide enough of the rest nonfood items to hold us till we can start over.   What I would miss the most would be the several over loaded set of shelves with books and my wife would miss her collection of videos and DVDs along with her room of cloth and sewing items.

endurance

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Re: She'd rather let it burn
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2012, 04:31:16 PM »
Well, last night was pretty dang interesting.  We're both in the process of joining our local volunteer fire department.  I'm interested in the wildland side of things, with some interest in the EMS side (thinking about getting my EMT-B again) and she's looking at a RN to EMT and RN to Paramedic bridge course.  In any case, last night we had wildland fire triage training and went to four homes in our neighborhood to rank them in one of four categories:

1.  Likely to survive without intervention or with limited intervention-Green flag
2.  Prep and go-Yellow flag (do some quick things to prepare the home, but home can survive unattended)
3.  Stand and defend-Yellow flag (home can be saved with some prep and staying with the home, defensible space exists)
4.  Undefendable-Red flag (too little mitigation done, too great of hazard, insufficient margin for fftr safety)

(different terms were used, but that's the gist of it)

When we finished she was encouraged by some of the green flag homes.  They weren't standing alone in a clear cut, they simply had defensible space, trees limbed up to 20' or higher, modern class A shingles and well trimmed grass.  Also our home would currently be yellow flag and it really wouldn't take that much to get in the prep and go level. 

So in the end, she still would rather start from scratch because she wants a bigger, more modern home, but we're on the same page when it comes to what we need to do going forward.  We're going to have one of the more senior guys come over to the house in the next few weeks and do a full assessment with recommendations.  I suspect by the time he comes over and I move the wood pile, rake up some more pine cones and do a few other little things around the house, he may only suggest thinning out one or two trees and we'll be good to go.  Compared to many of my neighbors, we have one of the more defendable homes in the community.  That's my only goal.  I know a true fire storm will take out every home in the subdivision, but if we get a moderate fire, I want to be that one home they look at, stop, and say, "we can save this one."