Author Topic: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!  (Read 6076 times)

Offline mmckay

  • Fledgling Prepper
  • *
  • Posts: 9
  • Karma: 1
  • New TSP Forum member
Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« on: October 15, 2012, 03:19:56 PM »
Good Afternoon,

I started prepping about 6 mo ago.  I have talked to my wife about prepping, but she doesn't want to listen at all. She refuses to listen to Jack or anyone else I agree with. She says I am just always listening to negative talk shows and reading negative articles.  She doesn't think anything is going to happen (or won't admit it to herself).  She has gone along with me putting our house on the market and putting a bid on another home with 1.5 acres.  Today (the anniversary date of the purchase), we have owned our home 25 yrs, so I understand her feeling!  It is our home and she just feels like I am ripping it out from underneath her and the kids.  It is very convenient as well.  Our son can walk home from school, it is convenient to her work and the kids schools,  as well as it is paid for.

The new home is at the dead end of a culdesac and has 1.5 acres so we can garden, buy a steer, some chickens, and pigs. All of the neighbors have acreage, so it is easily defended as you basically come in the front way from one direction.

In some ways she has always prepped-buying huge quantities of cereal, meat, etc on sale.  Saving like a fiend, researching the best deal on big ticket items like our car.

 
She just told me Saturday, to buy some long term food from Walmart and stop obsessing about prepping.  I feel so far behind I am panicky for our future. She is really upset at me when I said I won't stop. 

Can anyone give me some advice from a ladies point of view?  As a man I can't just let things go south without trying to protect my family!  She just thinks that I am making her life more difficult, which I agree that I am--but for a purpose she doesn't agree with.   

Thank You,

Mike

Offline FrugalFannie

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1247
  • Karma: 64
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2012, 04:04:35 PM »
Wow dude! You sold her home. The place she brought her babies to after they were born, the place they took their first steps, where you have celebrated all your special occasions, etc and she didn't divorce you? If I were you I would keep prepping but very low key and STOP PANICKING. Thank your lucky stars she is still with you. Let her know you love her and you are grateful for all the two of you have, etc. she doesn't need to listen to podcasts and belong to forums, etc. focus your preps on the stuff she will appreciate and the kids will appreciate. Does she have a favorite tea that she sometimes forgets to keep in the house? Make sure you put away a couple of boxes so the next time she is out of it you can provide it for her. Make sure you do some of the stuff that she thinks will be sensible (as long as it is sensible). Read 299 Days by our own Heavy G and see how he handled a similar situation.

Good luck.

Offline dep190

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1396
  • Karma: 25
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2012, 05:01:32 PM »
show her the fema web site and say this is what our leaders recomend! as others have said prep some of her favoite things food alcohol etc!

keep working as best you can! just do it!

Offline CharlesH

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 900
  • Karma: 21
  • Hope is a method...
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #3 on: October 15, 2012, 07:11:16 PM »
I'll just echo what has already been said from another angle:  Panic is bad, a long term committed partnership with your spouse is good.  Try not to worry so much about catching up all at once.  I agree with Jack when he says the future is not going to be the end of the world as we know it, no zombies, no global scale pandemic that kills billions (well, I hope not anyway), etc.  You probably have time, and if not we're all in trouble.  Consider approaching prepping from a movement towards self-sufficiency and creating a place of safety for your family even into the adulthood of your children.  Becoming a steward of the land by improving it is an excellent activity for a prepper and much less threatening to a loved spouse.  I definitely recommend you make her a part of the process and slow down the process as much as she needs in order to protect the partnership you have.
 
  Charles

Offline summer98

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 634
  • Karma: 29
  • This is a Floyd dog.
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2012, 06:18:06 AM »
As others have said, calm down. Panic helps no one.

Try to see it from her point of view. She's a woman and a mother. Who gets hurt most often when things go south? Women and children. That does mean we need to be even more prepared than the average man, but it also means we resist the thought of prepping because it upsets our worldview and the "what if" questions start popping up, especially in regards to children. Jack talks of normalcy bias, and I think it is strongest in a woman with children, especially young children.

Also, part of the issue is that you are rushing things. You haven't given her time to soak things in and adjust. She may have agreed to this move, but did she really agree or did she give in to make you happy? There's a very large difference, and it can impact the future quality of your marriage. You may need to back off a bit and not talk about prepping for a while. Keep doing it, but don't shove it in her face. You can show her the value of prepping the next time there's a power outage. "Look honey, I fixed you and the kids a great meal, even without power and isn't it great we don't have to worry about the food in the fridge going bad because of the generator?"

You might also want to listen or read some of the material Jack has done on the threat matrix. It seems like you've jumped to the big level of apocalypse without first preparing for the little stuff like unemployment, power outages, etc.

Finally, if I were in your shoes, I would bring home a dozen roses and take her to dinner or even on a romantic overnight getaway and tell her how much you love her, etc. Keeping your relationship healthy is one of the most important (and overlooked) aspects of prepping.

Offline Oil Lady

  • Lady oil lady oil la-dy hoo
  • Survival Demonstrator
  • *******
  • Posts: 4503
  • Karma: 316
  • My book needs more humor. My pen needs more salt.
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2012, 08:26:51 AM »
You bought that house 25 years ago? How old are the two of you??

How close to retirement age are you??

What kind of hopes and dreams for retirement did she have? Ever heard the expression: "Palm trees and golf tees" ?? Was she imagining the two of you going to Florida and living on the beach, in an elderly apartment complex, half a mile from a golf course, with two extra bedrooms for the grandkids to come and visit?   Was she imagining once-a-year cruises and that once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe?

What has YOUR vision of the future taken from/stolen from/spit in the face of HER vision of the future??   

Please don't imagine that she doesn't think about the future -- ALL women think about the future. We fret over it on a level that most men don't. (Studies have shown that men constantly think about sex while women constantly think about money.) But the typical grassshopper is unwilling or else incapable of imagining a future with no Disney World, no Starbucks, no electricity, and no Kim Kardashian.

And what is her preferred vacation situation? (Such as) I was at a getting-to-know-you meeting at my work a few weeks ago, and the question everyone was asked to answer was: "What is your favorite vacation spot?" My stock answer is always "Any place with room service and a view." I want to go on vacation and not lift a blessed finger -- I don't wanna cook, I want room service. I don't wanna clean, I was maid service. I don't wanna do laundry, I want laundry and dry cleaning service. And I don't even wanna have to drive, I want to walk out the front door of the hotel, stick my finger in the air and have a taxi pull up to the curb beside me. A lot of women I know have said they HATE going to a cabin in the woods for a vacation because in that scenario they are still doing more of the same as what they did at home -- cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. --except that in a cabin it's often loads harder because you won't have a dishwasher and other laborsaving devices and you have to do almost everything manually. So a full service hotel is where ladies like to go.  To me the very idea that there might never again be such a thing as room service is mortifying. But I have faced up to that reality, and I have reoriented my thoughts of "vacation" to be cabin in the woods kind of stuff. For a lot of guys, the whole "roughing it" thing comes naturally and is more of a boost to their sense of masculinity. But for women, "roughing it" can be very demoralizing.

Did you know that over 90% of all "laborsaving devices" found in a domestic, family home setting are meant for women? Designed for women? Engineered with the height and weight and strength and even color choices of women in mind?? Do you have any idea how devastated that women everywhere would be if you told them that starting first thing tomorrow they MUST get rid of every last laborsaving device  --including the clothes washing machine!!!!-- and never be able to use them ever again?

Did you know that the feminist movement was made possible by two 1960's inventions: 1) the birth control pill, 2) disposable diapers ?? Take away one or the other or ESPECIALLY both, and we women are back in the 1950's of June Cleaver and Donna Reed. And then, take away all of our "labor saving devices" --especially the clothes washing machine!!!!!-- and we are back in the 1870's of Laura Ingalls Wilder.  No woman wants to scrape poop off of cloth diapers and wear rags in her underwear for her menstrual cycles and use a washer board to clean the laundry.   

My advice ...

First, you need to ask her what her dreams of the future are, and then try to see if together you can compromise on somehow working toward SOME of those dreams. A cruise ship once a year is probably out of the question.  But a bed and breakfast in the mountains once a year is probably do-able.  And ask her where she thought she wanted to retire ... this conversation about retirement dreams doesn't have to be completed this year, but start talking about it and ask her about her dreams of retirement, and then set it on the back burner for a few years while you work on taking my next two bits of advice.

Second, allow her some control over the prepping. The woman's job is to organize the home. Did you let her organize the food pantry?? -- if not, you should. Let her organize its layout and its rotation. The kitchen is a woman's locus of control in any household, her primary sphere of operation, and so the purchase and storage of food is a woman's speciality. Ask her advice on how to BETTER organize the pantry. Let her be/feel in control of it. She might suprise you with with how drop dead awesome at it she proves to be. 

Third, have her set up the documentation packets for your whole family. (This is a clerical/secretary kind of a job, and women make great office clerks and secretaries.) The documentation packet is NOT a tinfoil hat thing, it's just plain common sense. A photocopy of everyone's drivers license, of everyone's SS card, of everyone's passport. And if you have kids, an up-to-date set of copies of all their end-of-year school records, all their immunizations, all their medications and the prescribing physician, and the prescribed disages. This stuff makes LOADS of sense. You ESPECIALLY need a documentation package on your ownership of the house, including photocopies of the deed, title, mortgage stuff, insurance stuff, maps  of the locations of septic tanks and other underground utilities, copies of any well water surveys, etc. I have been able to convince various grasshoppers of the need to have a documentation packet by pointing to what happened in Tuscaloosa last year with the tornadoes. There were people whose entire homes were destroyed, and yet when they tried to contact their insurance companies to file a claim, they didn't have their insurance policies in front of them -- the policy was gone as was their entire house. They couldn't even prove who they were, nor that they had ever owned the house to begin with -- all those documents were gone! And even contacting their local insurance agent who could vouch for them was next to impossible because sometimes their insurance agent's office was destroyed, and maybe their insurance agent was either missing or dead. So having a separate set of documentation packets stored off-site (such as stored at a relative's house 50 miles away) would have saved many Tuscaloosa people a lot of grief.  This is NOT tinfoil hattery, this is common sense. This is NOT end-of-the-world chatter here, this is Katrina/Tuscaloosa chatter, and many women can relate very easily to Katrina/Tuscaloosa chatter. 

Good luck.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2012, 08:35:55 AM by Oil Lady »

Offline fritz_monroe

  • The Defenestrator
  • Administrator
  • Survival Veteran
  • *******
  • Posts: 8376
  • Karma: 151
    • The Homestead Fritz
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2012, 08:30:16 AM »
As others have said, calm down.  Panic doesn't help and it sounds like you are panicking.

Sit down and make a list of what you think you need to do to prep.  Break it into small chunks.  It is overwhelming to look at everything that needs done.  It isn't so overwhelming to take a small chunk at a time.

Pick up a copy of Heavy G's book.  Chapter 1 has a bunch of info on prepping in secret.  Look at the Flip that Spouse thread.  Lots of good info in there.

Offline Roundabouts

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1380
  • Karma: 66
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2012, 03:11:53 PM »
Lets take this bit by bit.  First off good for you and congratulations on your wake up call!  :D  That is a huge first step as you yourself have stated by the difficulties in trying to talk & share with your wife.  Which I am guessing is what you really want to be able to do.  To sit down together and have a conversation about all the stuff you are now aware of?  To work together? Plan together?   I am also guessing that the last thing you want to do is let your family down?  Let them suffer and pay the price because of you and your screw ups or failure to take action?   

I am also guessing that your "panic" is really a combo of things.  One a realization of holy crap!  WTF!  I need to do something about this.  Two partly wow I learned about this. I can do that.   I can take action.  Excitement of learning something new that you want to share.  Regret that so much time has gone by and you never realized what was going on under your nose.  You thought you had the answers and now?  Maybe you found out you were doing it wrong all along?  Scared because well how much time do I have to get it together?  Pride because you are taking  action and doing what you think is best for you and your family?   Maybe I am way way off base if so disregard.  If not stick with me.

You can't go back in time and call redo.  So let it go.  You don't have any control over what happens SHTF wise.  You don't have any control over when it does or does not happen.  So let it go.  All of those emotions and thoughts are a huge waste of your biggest resource.  YOU!!!

One of the biggest lessons a prepper needs to learn is how to control ones emotions,  how to assess the situation adapt to the situation and sometimes improvise on the fly.  I  bring this up because you mentioned she says you are always looking at negative things.  (from her perspective they are negative)  Maybe she sees something change in you that concerns her.  Some of the things from above?  Example:  When hubby blows me off and says nahh that could never happen my worry meter goes off even more.  If he would just acknowledge that yes it is possible no matter how slightly possible I can calm down and not worry or obsess.  I discovered it was an issue that I wanted to be heard and understood.  More than I wanted to be agreed with.  Then I realized that I was the one that would have to be the leader it didn't matter if I was understood it didn't matter if I was agreed with.  Sometimes I will just have to put up with the crap and do what I know is right.  Believe me it can be a lonely role to take.  Way more responsibility than I want to shoulder at times.  But in the beginning there was no other way.

I am guessing that you and your wife have been together at least 25+ years?  So I will also guess that you two have a very dynamic relationship.   You balance each other out. Both have figured out how to make things work.    In that period of time I will take a stab that it has not been a bed of happy roses 100% of the time.  I will assume that you have had a few thorns along the way.  If not dude write a book about it please!  ;) I would love to know the secret of a thornless life & marriage.   So I would suggest that you deal with this the same way as with any thing else you have dealt with.  I know for many they say slow and easy.  If I had taken it slow and easy I might as well have given up.  Slow and easy in this house in this family will not ever work.  I had to throw down the or else card.  It got very very ugly for a while.  That's just the way it works here.  I believe you know how to handle things on your end.  I just would not expect her to have the EXACT reaction that you have had.

I am confused on you house situation.  You want to move and build a homestead and she does not?  In the mean time she has agreed to do it any way?  It sounds to me that you really like the place you are in.  Being close to kids school and wife's work.  By the way Very very good if something happened and she had to get to them quickly.  I am getting that you want to build a home stead?  If so why?  Is it that you really have always dreamed on some level that you want to raise animals farm labor in the soil.  Or is this the best answer you think you can come up with to protect your family?  Let me make this very very crystal clear.  Building a homestead is extremely hard.  It will take blood sweat and tears.  Sleepless nights aching muscles and just when you think you got it together you will realize that you are even farther behind than you thought you were.  It is a completely different life style.  You measure time by seasons.  And sometimes those seasons chew you up and spit in your face.  You get back up the next morning and do it all over again.  Yes I LOVE it.  I have always wanted to have a little farm / homestead.  I waited 40+ yrs to have this.  Still many times I wake up and cringe for what the day may bring.  What ER will I have to deal with today.  Believe me there is always something.  But then I have a way of doing everything wrong the first 3 times.    My point is only buy land if that is what you really really want to do.  Don't do it just because you are afraid that there won't be another answer or another way for you to protect your family.   There is always another way. 

No don't ever give up.  Take breaks once in a while but don't give up.  Of course you know it's not wise to tell her that in a confrontational way ;)  You know it's best not to snap it back at her. 

Lastly hats off to you and thumbs up for manning up and wanting to protect your family!!!  You just need to learn how to become a good leader.   Then she will follow.   I have learned more about leading and now hubby is 100% on board 100% of the time.  He can even drive this boat from time to time and it's just fine.  Hang in there & don't forget to breathe! 
 

Offline Stacy

  • Fledgling Prepper
  • *
  • Posts: 2
  • Karma: 0
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2012, 06:18:44 AM »
I started prepping about 6 mo ago.  I have talked to my wife about prepping, but she doesn't want to listen at all. She refuses to listen to Jack or anyone else I agree with. She says I am just always listening to negative talk shows and reading negative articles.  She doesn't think anything is going to happen (or won't admit it to herself).

OK, here's the situation: You are very new to prepping and you have big decisions really, really fast and you are eager and fill her head with all this information that she does not want to listen. What I would do is to sit down and listen to her concerns, and don't interrupt her. Perhaps you ARE wearing a tinfoil hat, I mean, some of the scenarios I've read are pretty crazy. A least, ask her how come she thinks you are wearing a tinfoil hat. How come she thinks that nothing happens. Don't argue with her, just let her speak.

endurance

  • Guest
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2012, 11:21:04 AM »
Another piece of advice worth considering is to show her some benefits of the prepping you're doing.  For my wife, every time she thinks we're out of something and I can simply go downstairs and come back with the item rather than running to the store, I'm a rock star. 

So, if I were you I'd start my prepping investment with a deep freezer and start tracking the food items you're eating most commonly.  You might end up freezing a few pounds of butter or margarine, a few pounds of chicken breasts, a few nice steaks, some frozen veggies, a loaf of bread or two, and whatever else you commonly use.  The next time you're out of butter and you run downstairs to get it, you're a hero.

In the meantime, you've increased your family's resiliency by adding two or three weeks of food to your preps.

Offline Herbalpagan

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 784
  • Karma: 33
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2012, 12:01:57 PM »
Congrats oon starting to prep. However, I agree with what most have said, instead of panicking, plan. I don't think there is anything wrong with moving to a safer location and since she has agree'd then you should be ok. Since the house is paid off, then focus cash flow must be ok, so start building the food stores. She didn't sound averse to that idea, but if you ask her what she would like for long term storage food, then she has a hand in the decision....Preprepared meals or ingredients?
Instead of jumping right into "homesteading", take your time. Next year, do a few chickens, then rabbits, then think about other animals. An acre and a half isn't that much land, so you will probably find that the bigger garden will take up a lot of space.  Does she can? Dehydrate? Does she want to?  If not, then perhaps investing in fruit trees is the way to start.
Once you calm down from the panic and newness of prepping, you will be able to talk to her about the common sense aspects of it...taking better care of the family, growing better food etc. . Then you can sneak in little bits of info about the "negative" news.

Offline Bob Spelled Backwards

  • Survivor
  • ***
  • Posts: 185
  • Karma: 11
  • New TSP Forum member
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2012, 12:37:35 PM »
Another piece of advice worth considering is to show her some benefits of the prepping you're doing.  For my wife, every time she thinks we're out of something and I can simply go downstairs and come back with the item rather than running to the store, I'm a rock star. 

So, if I were you I'd start my prepping investment with a deep freezer and start tracking the food items you're eating most commonly.  You might end up freezing a few pounds of butter or margarine, a few pounds of chicken breasts, a few nice steaks, some frozen veggies, a loaf of bread or two, and whatever else you commonly use.  The next time you're out of butter and you run downstairs to get it, you're a hero.

In the meantime, you've increased your family's resiliency by adding two or three weeks of food to your preps.




Bingo!   That's been working for me as well. 

Offline Shaunypoo

  • Dedicated Contributor
  • ******
  • Posts: 1243
  • Karma: 43
  • "He is a platypus, they don't do much." - Phineas
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2012, 12:47:54 PM »
So did you buy the long term food like she told you to?

Offline chickchoc

  • Survivalist Mentor
  • *****
  • Posts: 786
  • Karma: 29
Re: Please help! My wife thinks I wear a tinfoil hat!
« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2013, 04:44:50 PM »
I agree with Oil Lady's advice for the most part.  My husband has slowly come around to some level of prepping when I could show him how much we were saving by stocking up when items were on deep discounts.  Now he checks our large pantry BEFORE running out to the grocery and usually avoids the trip altogether.  If the item from the large pantry is the last one of its kind, he's the first to suggest that we need to replace it with at least two more of the same!  He even bought me a propane heater and extra cans of propane for Christmas since we live in a cold climate. 

I haven't tried to get him to access The Survival Podcast or any other prepping site.  He doesn't want to hear "negative" things, just like your wife, mmckay.  I found that showing him the benefits to everyday living without focusing on disasters was far more effective.