Author Topic: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas  (Read 12584 times)

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas
« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2013, 11:00:19 PM »
Wow... I'm honestly torn between a twinge of respect and being appalled at how selfish that sounds. Obviously I don't know anything about your marriage, and I'm sure you're paraphrasing how the actual events went, but...

"This IS what I am doing and how I am going to live my life now."
"Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out."
"This is my life and I am finally going to live it the way I want."

Gotta be honest, it doesn't sound like there was much marriage left there at that point anyway.

Conversations like these are what turn divorces from sad into really ugly, bitter disasters. And not to be sexist about it, but if you read a husband's account of him talking to his wife like this, you'd probably assume this guy was at best a verbally abusive jerk.

Man.... I think I need to go hug my wife now. This topic is all kinds of unhealthy.  :o


Different people handle things different ways.  None are right none are wrong.  You do what works for you in your own truth.  Sometimes in life it has been my experience that you have to throw down the gauntlet to make a point.  Lay your cards on the table and sometimes that can come with an ugly truth sometimes not.  Either way the air is cleared and every one knows exactly where one stands.  No confusion no doubt no games no double talk. 

I don't think this topic is all kinds of unhealthy.  It can be very insightful and helpful to others.  See you wanted to go hug your wife and appreciate  her even more.  I think it is also helpful for people to understand that you can come through hard times just fine.  No matter the problem.  Many couples have hard times.  To many people get married and think it's going to be all candy and kisses.  When strong feelings show their head they bail.  Like fear, doubt, unemployment, infidelity, illness, death, homelessness, addictions, dreams, desires, wants, anger, joy, confusion, the list is endless. 

  It has always been helpful to me to hear the good bad and ugly.  All those that have been willing to share have taught many lessons about how we can find our own truth.  Individually and as a couple.  That may be why we are still together after 34 years.  That may be why we have endured so many of life's surprise crap storms and come through still standing strong.   

No I don't think a man is being an abusive jerk if he is speaking from his heart in truth.  There is a difference.  Making I statements to clarify what one wants is not abusive nor is it selfish it is nothing short of matter of fact and laying the cards on the table. An option was given join me in my life or leave. That would be his choice and I would and did have to respect his answer no matter what.  But that is what works for us against all odds.  We are together from the age of 16 met on a blind date.  The rest is history as they say.  LOL   So I stand by my original point find your own truth and go from there. 

"You just have to decide what you want."  "Only you can know what the truth is"

d3nni5

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Re: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas
« Reply #31 on: June 21, 2013, 07:19:47 AM »

I still stand by my original reply.  And again, to be clear, I'm not advocating abandoning anyone, especially young children, to live your life your own way.     

I'm going through some relationship problems myself, something I've thought I may post about, but I'm not ready to discuss on a public forum.  But without detailing it, I am more on the RECIEVING end of a similar attitude as the OP.   She is not happy, wants to live her life differently.  As much as it hurts, what can I do?   We are remaining "adult" about it and not fighting in front of her kid, etc etc.   But it doesn't seem like we are going to be able to work it out.   What we are working out is how to do this responsibly with as little pain as possible.

The bottom line comes down to one word for me....REGRET.   Continuing to walk down the wrong path in life , no matter how far you already have come, only hurts YOU.   Yes, it may sound selfish, but when you lay dying on your bed at a ripe old age are you going to be satisfied?   

Maybe you have picked the right path, and great for you!    Maybe you've been going through the motions for years because that is making everyone else around you happy.   If that is the case, Shakespeare sums it up pretty well..


Quote
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!

osubuckeye4

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Re: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas
« Reply #32 on: June 21, 2013, 03:46:41 PM »

Different people handle things different ways.  None are right none are wrong.


That is complete bullshit. There are proper ways to handle situations and there are improper ones.

I had a buddy who was married for 4 years. During this entire 4 year period, his wife had apparently been shacking up with his best firend.

One day, the best friend gets a job across the country.

How does the wife react to this? She takes her husbands credit cards, maxes all of them out, buying herself clothes and electronics along with an airplane ticket to Arizona (where the best friend moved). Leaves him a note that he finds when he comes home from work one day.


Sorry, that's wrong. I don't buy into the whole, "what gives you the right to judge someone else? Maybe she was just following their heart and you can't judge!" mumbo jumbo.

Bullshit, there is right and wrong and I know what is right and what is wrong. She was wrong for what she did and I do and will continue to judge her, I think she's a worthless piece of garbage and I've let her know that if she does fall flat on her face, she better not come to anyone I know for help, or I will go out of my way to ensure it doesn't happen. If she wanted a divorce and wanted to go to 'Zona... more power to her. Stealing her husbands credit cards and maxing them out to finance it (along with a bunch of other frivelous purchases), is not okay in any way.




That being said... I agree with you somewhat though, in that, when it comes to divorce and marriage... there's a whole lot of gray area.

There are also wrong ways to handle situations though, don't get caught up into thinking there are not.

Offline properintent

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Re: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas
« Reply #33 on: July 04, 2013, 09:35:14 AM »
Hi pistolpete,

If I was in your situation, these are some of the feelings I would be having:

I feel that it is my role in the family to protect them and provide for them.  I currently see the family farm 400+ miles away as the best opportunity for me to fulfill this role.  I sometimes experience anxiety over this role, and that I fear that I may not be able to do enough or the right thing.  I am frustrated that my wife is not seeing that this role is important to me, and in a way makes up a big part of who I am.  I sometimes resent her for not recognizing that this is a very big part of me.  When she belittles or ignores the need for preparedness she belittles me! 

--

Women often do not recognize that men have some deep emotions when it comes to providing for their families, solving problems, etc.  Men often feel it is their job to solve their family problems or guide their families to avoid problems.  When we're not fulfilled in this role, or worse, when we're attacked for it, we feel helpless or frustrated.  Men don't like feeling helpless.  Society is reprogramming men to not be leaders at home, and that is a bad thing.  We just have to be more sophisticated in our leadership abilities.  As a rule, no longer get to wear the pants in every respect anymore.
--

Your desire to protect and provide for your family are extremely valid and good goals to have.  Your frustration is normal.  It just seems you and your wife are not communicating or in touch with your base emotions.  These usually stem from fear or shame.  Sometimes fear of shame. 

Some suggestions: Find validation for your deep emotional desire to protect your family from within and you already have it from the people on this forum.  By recognizing and giving voice to what is truly motivating you to move the farm you will better understand what to do.  Moving to the farm is just one possible solution to better orienting your family situation to the future.  There are many options.  There are some incredible benefits to your kids to be raised in a loving family with healthy parent role models.  Some of these benefits are innumerably more valuable and of certain benefit than forcefully uprooting your family or risking divorce.  Find alternate ways to satisfy this healthy and natural desire to protect and provide for your family.

--

I learned all this flowery sh*t while going through my divorce with an alcoholic who I loved very much.  I had to take our 2 and 3 year old girls from her and I'm raising them by myself.

I recommend "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson.  It explains how husband and wives fail to communicate their emotions properly and don't recognize that what their spouse is really asking for, nor which of their own deep emotions their behavior stems from.

I recommend the youtube videos by Brene Brown on vulnerability and shame.  These are some of the most powerful, misunderstood, and repressed emotions in society.  People destroy their own lives, and the lives of others by running away from these emotions instead of owning them.  I'm not saying to go cry your eyes out at the water cooler in front of your boss, I'm saying that its perfectly healthy to feel shame and fear of the possibility of not being able to provide for your family.  I'll say that a man SHOULD feel that.  It is our reaction to those feelings that screws things up. 

Ok that's probably enough for now :)

-PI
 
« Last Edit: July 04, 2013, 09:40:52 AM by properintent »

Offline RitaRose1945

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Re: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas
« Reply #34 on: July 04, 2013, 10:10:52 AM »
PistolPete, I think you figured it out, but I just wanted to agree with this post from properintent in case anyone else came looking with the same problem.

Women often do not recognize that men have some deep emotions when it comes to providing for their families, solving problems, etc.  Men often feel it is their job to solve their family problems or guide their families to avoid problems.  When we're not fulfilled in this role, or worse, when we're attacked for it, we feel helpless or frustrated.  Men don't like feeling helpless.  Society is reprogramming men to not be leaders at home, and that is a bad thing.  We just have to be more sophisticated in our leadership abilities.  As a rule, no longer get to wear the pants in every respect anymore.

So very true.  And sometimes, as women, we've been taught that allowing a man to lead in the family is being weak and we'll regret it.  In reality, the key is finding a man worth following, and then standing beside him as a team.

I learned all this flowery sh*t while going through my divorce with an alcoholic who I loved very much.  I had to take our 2 and 3 year old girls from her and I'm raising them by myself.

I divorced an alcoholic husband after 13 years of marriage and countless moments of terror when he decided that his misery was all my fault.  He literally told me once that the reason why he drank so much was because I wasn't very good at keeping the house clean.  And there were a number of times when he decided right next to my head was the perfect place for a fist-induced hole in the wall.

Divorce is a big deal.  If you think it ends all of your problems, you're wrong.  I've done it twice - once from the alcoholic with a temper, and again from my 2nd husband (stupid, stupid mistake) who refused to hurt his girlfriend's feelings by breaking up with her.  And it's never simple or easy or pretty.  It's even worse if you have kids because you STILL have to deal with your ex, except now they don't even have to pretend to be civil.

I still have to have contact with my 1st husband, even though it's a decade later and our kids are legally adults.  Thankfully, I do think he has done some growing up, as well as realizing I don't have to put up with his tirades anymore.  He has actually become helpful and somewhat respectful, mostly because I grew a spine and demanded that from him.

Now I'm in a healthy and wonderful relationship with Jay, and one of the best things about it is that we both have the ability to compromise.  We also have a huge appreciation for each other (3 years later, he still opens every door for me, and I still say "thank you" every time).

I think once you get into the "he vs. she" mentality, it's really hard to compromise and you can get selfish with what you want as opposed to what's best for the family as a whole.  And when you do that, someone has to be the first to give in and work at making their partner happy.  Eventually, they tend to react with trust and it sets a new model for how the marriage works now.  Not always, but you never know unless you try.

Okay, I'm done with Lessons From My Stupid Years.

Offline Hilltopper

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Re: goin through the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas
« Reply #35 on: July 09, 2013, 01:13:10 PM »
I think Eagles Mom is a very clever and shrewd person.  That advice , ' you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink, but you can salt the oats '  was not lost on me , thank you !