Thirty-seven and one-half years. As a bride I was like the frog dropped into a cold pot of water. Over time the heat was turned up and I deceived myself by not connecting the dots in my experience. My situation was extreme verbal abuse [although not at a loud volume], which at the point of violence--I woke up. That was February 2006. To say that my life was upside down is an understatement. It took me nine months to get my feet under me. It was another ten months before I filed for divorce. Because there were no assets, I had moved 2000+ miles away, and he refused filing a response, the divorce proceeded by default.
Not wanting to repeat other good advice offered here, I'll share the following in no particular order except the first three.
1. You've not mentioned God or church. God was my protector and bedrock. He is today and will be tomorrow. Consider finding a local church that can help you biblically and spiritually.
2. Nolo Press publishes an excellent book on divorce. It will help you understand the legal process and help you hold the line on legal costs. I'll get the title and ISBN and post it.
3. Don't make decisions on the fly or too quickly. You can always reply: "I appreciate your input in this matter and I understand your urgency. However, I need to think this through. I'll get back to you." You don't need to say when you'll get back to whomever either. Writing your thoughts and emotions can help you sort out matters, as well as give you clarity and direction as you move into your new life.
4. Consider carefully if you want to keep the house. Will the monthly payment and utilities be more than 30-35 percent of your take home salary? Can you maintain it yourself, or will you require a handyman? Is the house more than you need? Could it be an albatross around your neck if the current economy shifts sideways or south? I'm helping a younger woman, whose situation is similar to yours, move through her divorce process. She decided she wouldn't keep the house and told her husband to cooperate with the real estate listing agent. She has rented a nice townhouse for herself and two sons. [She loved calling the owner regarding a dishwasher problem and main bath shower head: no handyman, no parts cost.] She de-cluttered and down-sized the household furnishings, etc via two weekend yard sales. She kept a patio set for her townhouse's enclosed patio, bought herself that new bed as well as had $4,000 in her bank account while waiting for the powers that be set up garnishing his paycheck as he only had excuses for not giving her child support. For her the townhouse has become a stake-hold for her new life. She and her boys have begun a new chapter as a family.
5. Be prepared for the "little things" you will now remember and put in context. No marriage is perfect. Admit to yourself where you were wrong in actions and attitudes.; acknowledge them to your husband. Verbally accept your responsibility for your breakdown in the marriage. Don't expect any corresponding response from him: he's already made his choices.
This is to set yourself free from bitterness. This is about healing and freedom for you.6. Keep and make new family times: Sunday evening: popcorn and Netflix; the boys make pancakes for breakfast the first Saturday morning of every month; a fall/spring clean up day at Grandpa's; etc.
7. You'll know when you're willing to trust another man to share life together. But I think you'll do well to hold off any new relationship to a year after the divorce is final.
8. Know yourself. Watch as new opportunities present themselves. My life is radically, wonderfully different than I could have imagined four years ago. I hold that for you, too.
