Author Topic: How do you survive a surprise divorce?  (Read 25261 times)

Offline Serellan

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #30 on: September 11, 2009, 12:25:49 PM »
On the child support issue.  You should negotiate the child support based on the going rates in your state; with adjustments for inflation, etc; HOWEVER, you should get a court order allowing you to NOT go through the state's Child Support Enforcement (or whatever they call it in your state) system.

Most state's divorce agreements default you into the system and you NEED to get in front of a judge to keep you OUT of the system.  The system is horribly broken and ruins lives through a bloated and inefficient bureaucracy.  I know, I was a Child Support Enforcement Officer.  I have plenty of horror stories, even though I only did it for a short time (after a year I couldn't stand it anymore).

If he defaults on payments, you can always move to have the arrears moved into the system for enforcement/garnishment, etc if you need to, but this should be a LAST resort!

Offline liftsboxes

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #31 on: September 11, 2009, 01:17:23 PM »
^ +1 for thinking to follow-up

How are you doing WS?

Gloria

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #32 on: September 11, 2009, 05:15:41 PM »
Bless your heart, you are in my prayers.  There have been many things stated,  right on in advice.  My ex filed on me while I was out of our house (at his mother's doing work for his parents) after he got caught with a fellow worker in his work place closet.
SHOCK  He changed the locks and took the money.  So when I met his honey I went up and gave her a hug and said, " Thank you very much for getting him to divorce me.  He is now your problem."  I turned and walked away.  That's how I handled that problem.
Since he was abusive, the police told me to go into hiding, or get a restraining order.  Now I ask, are we crazy?  A restraining order requires that they know where you live so they know how far they can stay away.  BAD IDEA.  A family friend was a marriage for our church, at that time.  He knew a lot about the divorce laws, so he worked up a split the assests plan.  Since it was no fault divorce,
I came out with my clothes, my personal items, and his truck. ( He sent me to his folks with his truck so that's what I was driving. )  I had only the clothes I took with at the time.  I gained my life because he had threatened to kill me.  Our son had passed so.....
I decided that I could start over quicker than he would let me have anything.  So with the order from the judge in hand he had to give me clothes and personal things.  I was advised by the police to let the advocate pack things.  THey did.  They were stored in
a storage shed in another town and the sheriff department was given the key.  I got a psot office box for mail. 

To this day he still treatens my life and is looking for me.  So I would say to you that if your ex is violent, protect yourself.  I had my name chaged and the type of work I did also changed, and I learned just who I could trust. 

As for the explosion part,  make yourself a @#$%&$@#$ doll.  You can go behind closed doors and pound it against things like the floor.  I made mine to look like a gaint sized dog bone, with straight up hair on the head end and google eyes.  I filled it with sand.

OH on the funny side of my story, his then girlfriend left him.  Her girlfriend explained to her what I meant. 

You are going to be fine.  I went out and got a new hobby.  I learned how to fish. 

Take care of yourself with "dates" with yourself.  Mark it on your calendar.  Call it a survial time, good books, music, quiet streams, white noise. candy in a fancy box just for you.

You should take your preps with you. ( Just a thought.)  Maybe this could be your hobby.  Brain storming for you.  But I can't stress enough that you should watch your back.  Since he is still in the house , move him into the hallway with a sleeping bag maybe.
But if you are going to try and patch it up....... another couch or bedroom.   

Kara

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #33 on: September 11, 2009, 05:41:30 PM »
Hi guys,

Thanks so much for checking up on me and the boys. I was just at the end of a big update and my internet disappeared, taking my unsaved response with it! Argh! Oh well, I'll make this 2nd try brief.

The boys are doing as well as can be expected. My soon to be ex finally moved out at the beginning of August. I have an appointment coming up with the lawyer to get the official ball rolling coming up soon, and I'm looking forward to getting it over with. After he moved out it was like the sunshine came out again. He's been pretty reasonable and cooperative because I caught him and I guess he got some kind of attack of conscience or something. Mamabear, you're right...I don't have to hold myself back anymore, and I guess I hadn't realized how repressed I felt about a lot of things until he moved out. Huh...after 17 years, I just had no idea. I guess it creeps up on you.

As for the alimony and child support, the state I live in has a very strict formula that we have to use, or the judge won't even look at the paperwork. Sarellan, you brought up and interesting point about the Child Support System. I always thought that was just something that was brought into play when someone was delinquent in their payments. I'll make sure to ask the lawyer about that when I go see him next week.  

My next huge hurtle is having to deal with my ex bringing his girlfriend here to live. Sigh. As we work together at the same office, it's going to be like a nuclear bomb going off when people see them together about town. We've kept it pretty close to the cuff at work, and haven't told anyone except a close friend here or there. Once the ink is dry on the paperwork I guess I'll have to say something about it to my team to keep the rumor mill down to a dull roar, but it's going to be sticky and weird at work for a while, but I'm hoping it'll settle down within a couple of weeks.

I've been very fortunate in that my parents live close by, and I have a good network of friends who've been a huge support to me. I've also been so grateful for the support and wisdom you all have given me here. It's so much appreciated, and I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. You've made a difference.

I'll try not to be such a stranger, and post an update as soon as we get some positive forward motion on the divorce proceedings.

Thanks again!
Wintersparrow

Kara

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #34 on: September 11, 2009, 06:04:42 PM »
Gloria!

I'm so sorry to hear that your ex is such so violent and devious. I'm glad that you made it out with your life, and have moved on safely. I hope he never finds you...

I'm very fortunate in that mine seems to have some kind of sense of guilt for what he did, and is interested in keeping the boys lives as smooth and happy as possible. I'm keeping the house and most everything in it, so I'm fortunate there as well. He moved to a crappy little apartment that my oldest son calls a shack, and describes the smell as "like a dead muskrat".  Oh well, he chose it. Not my problem.

You give a lot of good advice about taking care of myself. I've tried to do my best to not ignore my own need for happiness, within reason. What would make me seriously happy right now is to light my bed on fire. However, I had to settle for taking my bedroom apart and completely rearranging and cleaning it out. Next item on the list is a new bed. I'll be getting a part time job soon, and part of the proceeds from that are going to be saved for a new bedroom set. Bed, linens, headboard, dressers, curtains, rug, paint, non-leaky windows... the whole nine yards. The idea of sleeping on the same mattress is abhorrent to me, but there's nothing to be done about that right this moment as other stuff needs taking care of first. But when it gets done, it will be my own personal oasis. It'll take me better than a year to accomplish it, but it will be worth it.

In the mean time, I have found a wonderful hobby in gardening. I discovered that my thumb isn't so black after all! As an added bonus, I've gotten my boys into it and it's something we're planning to expand on together next year.

I wish you lots of luck and hope that you continue to stay safe...Bless you!

Wintersparrow

Offline Serellan

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #35 on: September 12, 2009, 12:58:25 AM »
As for the alimony and child support, the state I live in has a very strict formula that we have to use, or the judge won't even look at the paperwork. Sarellan, you brought up and interesting point about the Child Support System. I always thought that was just something that was brought into play when someone was delinquent in their payments. I'll make sure to ask the lawyer about that when I go see him next week.  
 

Yes, that is what most people think.  No matter what the lawyer tells you, really follow up on not having your payments regulated through the state system.  Unless the payee is already blowing you off, you are just setting yourself up for trouble.

Offline ebonearth

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #36 on: September 12, 2009, 11:55:37 AM »
First of all I am glad you are weathering such a personal storm so well. Good job! Now a couple of bits:

- Seems like you don't live in Florida which has some seriously terrible laws when it comes to divorce. Find out if infidelity is rounds for divorce in your state, it isn't in Florida so collecting proof would be pointless in that situation. Your ex already moved out, so that is leaps and bounds better. Unlike many in the situation (again Florida) where the ex and whomever they decide to parade through the house because they are legally allowed to share the same domicile until the divorce is final, at least a year long process. I wish I were kidding. Still, check your local laws as you never know.

- Definitely vent to other people. As Archer has said, being your parent's therapist / divorce counselor sucks eggs.

- Remember that it is all not about sacrifice and scraping for survival, pamper yourself. Yes the children are all important, but you need pick-me-ups too. Even if it is just a quiet house a cup of tea and a nice friend to rub your feet, it's not about money it's about taking care of you so that you can take care of them.

- Don't forget to Freecycle! Maybe someone has a bedroom set they are willing to part with? Then all you have to worry about is purchasing a new mattress. Keep the pennies in your pocket!

- Don't push the kids to contact their Father. They will or will not do it in their own time. At their age they may refuse to visit, I am pretty sure you cannot force them, but check your state. Speaking from experience here.

- Be prepared for the kids discussing New Cow openly or not wanting to share with you what they did with Dad because of New Cow, every child is different. Odds are, if they see if upset you they'll stop sharing.

- if you need someone else to vent at, I'm open. :)

Kara

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #37 on: September 12, 2009, 03:34:56 PM »
Thanks Ebonearth...some good advice. No, you're right, I don't live in FL. Grounds make no difference in this case either as I can't afford to take him to court and sue for divorce, so I am forced to do a no fault divorce. It's cheap, and quick, as long as all parties agree on the terms. I don't like that I have to take this milk-toast route, but there's nothing to be done about it.

Freecycle is a fabulous thing, and is very active in my community. I don't think I'll be using it for obtaining a bed though. I'm kind of fixated on a new bed, and I am sure it has something to do with the fact that the bastard cheated on me. It's going to take me quite a while to save up enough cash to get that new bed, but it's going to be worth it.

As for the Home-wrecking Cow, he has agreed not to expose the children to her in any way until the day they are married, and I don't talk about her in front of the boys. I answer any questions  I don't know if he's agreeable to this because he wants to keep things smooth for the kids, or what. I'm guessing that once she gets here, he's just going to hibernate with her for awhile until the happy wears off a little. I've already had to answer "where's Dad?", and "Why doesn't Dad call?", with "I don't know honey. I'm sorry, but I don't know where your father is". It's going to break my heart if they are forced to ask me that again. Another sad thing is that he shows favoritism to one child over the other, as they have more in common. I've talked to him about this, but it doesn't help. The good news is that they have a positive male role model in their grandfather, my Dad, and that's worth a lot.

Wintersparrow

Offline sarakg

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #38 on: September 20, 2009, 12:56:48 PM »
My condolences on this rough situation, but it sounds as though you are coping pretty well.  I can't speak to divorce, but I can speak to being cheated on...it's happened in every relationship I've ever been in, except the one I'm in.  For quite a while I tried to just ignore it, became very self-destructive, and it kept happening.  Duh.  I would urge you to try to cope with not only the divorce, but the fact that he cheated on you too.  Trust me, it takes a very long time and a lot of heatache to realize that someone who really wants to be with you will be with you and be faithful to you. 

I know you must be an amazing person because you have teenaged boys whom are probably being pretty difficult right now and you are looking to work even more to make things OK for them.  And don't worry about what other people at work think.  If I were you, I'd be straightforward and just tell the truth without being bitter or vindictive.  You'll come out smelling like a rose, and it will be his character and reliability that's in question.  I think that your sons could probably learn a lesson too, as long as you are up front with them that their father's mistake was wrong-your future daughters-in-law would thank you!

I'd say, in addition to getting that new bed ASAP, you probably need a haircut and spa day too-I know it costs a lot, but look for cheap deals right now.  After all, I think a lot of those places are hurting right now...and you DO deserve it.

Offline Duchess

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #39 on: September 23, 2009, 12:25:37 AM »
Thirty-seven and one-half years.  As a bride I was like the frog dropped into a cold pot of water.  Over time the heat was turned up and I deceived myself by not connecting the dots in my experience.  My situation was extreme verbal abuse [although not at a loud volume], which at the point of violence--I woke up.  That was February 2006.  To say that my life was upside down is an understatement.  It took me nine months to get my feet under me.  It was another ten months before I filed for divorce.  Because there were no assets, I had moved 2000+ miles away, and he refused filing a response, the divorce proceeded by default.
 
Not wanting to repeat other good advice offered here, I'll share the following in no particular order except the first three.

1.  You've not mentioned God or church.  God was my protector and bedrock.  He is today and will be tomorrow.  Consider finding a local church that can help you biblically and spiritually.
2.  Nolo Press publishes an excellent book on divorce.  It will help you understand the legal process and help you hold the line on legal costs.  I'll get the title and ISBN and post it.
3.  Don't make decisions on the fly or too quickly.  You can always reply:  "I appreciate your input in this matter and I understand your urgency.  However, I need to think this through.  I'll get back to you."  You don't need to say when you'll get back to whomever either.  Writing your thoughts and emotions can help you sort out matters, as well as give you clarity and direction as you move into your new life.
4.  Consider carefully if you want to keep the house.  Will the monthly payment and utilities be more than 30-35 percent of your take home salary?  Can you maintain it yourself, or will you require a handyman?  Is the house more than you need?  Could it be an albatross around your neck if the current economy shifts sideways or south?  I'm helping a younger woman, whose situation is similar to yours, move through her divorce process.  She decided she wouldn't keep the house and told her husband to cooperate with the real estate listing agent.  She has rented a nice townhouse for herself and two sons.  [She loved calling the owner regarding a dishwasher problem and main bath shower head: no handyman, no parts cost.] She de-cluttered and down-sized the household furnishings, etc via two weekend yard sales.  She kept a patio set for her townhouse's enclosed patio, bought herself that new bed as well as had $4,000 in her bank account while waiting for the powers that be set up garnishing his paycheck as he only had excuses for not giving her child support.  For her the townhouse has become a stake-hold for her new life.  She and her boys have begun a new chapter as a family.
5.  Be prepared for the "little things" you will now remember and put in context. No marriage is perfect.  Admit to yourself where you were wrong in actions and attitudes.; acknowledge them to your husband.  Verbally accept your responsibility for your breakdown in the marriage.  Don't expect any corresponding response from him: he's already made his choices. This is to set yourself free from bitterness. This is about healing and freedom for you.
6.  Keep and make new family times: Sunday evening:  popcorn and Netflix;  the boys make pancakes for breakfast the first Saturday morning of every month; a fall/spring clean up day at Grandpa's; etc.
7.  You'll know when you're willing to trust another man to share life together.  But I think you'll do well to hold off any new relationship to a year after the divorce is final.
8.  Know yourself.  Watch as new opportunities present themselves.  My life is radically, wonderfully different than I could have imagined four years ago.  I hold that for you, too.   :)

Offline Duchess

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #40 on: September 23, 2009, 03:19:56 PM »
Book I used (actually read in the library's reference section as well as checked out a circulating copy):  How to Do Your Own Divorce in CA by Ed Sherman.  Another book also by Nolo Press:  Nolo's Essential Guide to Divorce by Emily Doskow.

When I was researching divorce online I came across a piece by an IL lawyer.  He outlined that their are three parts in divorce: 
1.  Emotional and psychological
2.  Financial (as in setting up two households)
3.  Legal, which is the settling of assets, child support & custody, and alimony
When one can maintain civility in spite of inner turmoil of #1, the legal (#3) can move ahead more directly and with less expense. #2 is often difficult for the woman as her financial resources are less than the man's.  However, for you this can be a blessing to further your prepping lifestyle.  You're ahead of many.  Make the most of it.

Kara

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #41 on: October 29, 2009, 10:08:43 AM »
On the child support issue.  You should negotiate the child support based on the going rates in your state; with adjustments for inflation, etc; HOWEVER, you should get a court order allowing you to NOT go through the state's Child Support Enforcement (or whatever they call it in your state) system.

Most state's divorce agreements default you into the system and you NEED to get in front of a judge to keep you OUT of the system.  The system is horribly broken and ruins lives through a bloated and inefficient bureaucracy.  I know, I was a Child Support Enforcement Officer.  I have plenty of horror stories, even though I only did it for a short time (after a year I couldn't stand it anymore).

If he defaults on payments, you can always move to have the arrears moved into the system for enforcement/garnishment, etc if you need to, but this should be a LAST resort!

Serellan,

I took this advice to heart and inquired about going in front of the judge, but in my state going around the child support system and administrating the payments just by ourselves is not an option. His paycheck will be garnished for the amount beginning the month following the completion of the divorce. I'm kind of glad about that, because he's been out overdrawing a checking account I can't get my name off of until the official paperwork comes through. I've already notified the bank of the situation, but it's getting a little hairy. The paperwork should arrive any day now, and I can't wait.

The good news is that my credit is good and I'm in the middle of refinancing my home and car loans. I'll save a bundle and am working on taking out some of the equity in my house so I can make repairs and build on. Wish me luck!

Wintersparrow

Offline mamabear

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #42 on: October 29, 2009, 10:16:01 AM »
WinterSparrow, Thanks for the update. I am glad to see you are moving forward. Notice I don't say on, I say forward, just keep on moving forward and know that we are all here for you.

Good luck with the refinancing and home repairs/additions.

Offline ebonearth

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #43 on: November 16, 2009, 02:37:54 AM »
Checking in to see how things are faring WS.  :)

Kara

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #44 on: November 17, 2009, 05:49:33 AM »
Good morning all,

I just got the good news yesterday that the judge signed the paperwork, and I'm officially single again. Whew...

Now I am just going through the whole post divorce transition...changing my name, letting people know at work (I've kept a pretty tight lid on it), and just helping my kids to stay afloat. The big hurdle we're dealing with now as a family is that my ex-husband is playing hot and cold with the boys, and doing his best to foist his new girlfriend on them at every turn...sigh... It would be nice if he could just think about how they feel about it, instead of only thinking of himself. The boys are telling him they don't want her, and that is really all that can be done. According to the laws in my state, there isn't much I can do unless she turns up to be a drug addict or have some other unsavory habits that I can prove. He doesn't call them except once a week, if they're lucky, and hardly ever answers the phone.

Thanks for checking in on me! I hope this note finds you all well...

Wintersparrow

Offline liftsboxes

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #45 on: November 17, 2009, 10:02:36 AM »
I have a friend who has been dealing with a similar situation for years now.  She has succeeded by prioritization.  When her ex left her she had three young boys.  Now, her oldest is starting the Naval Academy in the fall and the younger two are also doing extremely well.  One thing she did was to start running with all of them and now they complete in 1/2 marathons together as a family.

Good luck and don't hesitate to ask questions.

Offline mamabear

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2009, 10:25:47 AM »
WinterSparrow,  I am glad to hear from you. I am happy for you that things are moving forward and you are feeling better. How are the remodel/construction things progessing? Just take care of you and your boys. I've been thinking about you.

Offline Klonus

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2009, 09:00:25 PM »
I myself have just been blindsided by divorce. My wife informed me that this was her intention a few days ago to my surprise as we were just discussing our plans to start a family. Thank god we have no kids or a home. I'm not even sure where to start or what to to. I guess I'm still in shock but I need to work to protect myself. I was planning on buying a car with all the money I saved up but now I'm not sure if that would be a good idea although I need it and winter is here. I can't bike or walk here in the winters here.  I guess it will have to wait. 

Kara

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #48 on: November 19, 2009, 06:17:28 AM »
Klonus,

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know from experience what a terrible shock it is to get surprised by something like this. I hope that the process of the divorce will be as quick for you as it was for me. I won't say it was painless, but I've seen messier. In my state an amicable, or "no-fault", divorce only costs $450, and that was including court fees. Hopefully you will be able to get through this with minimal financial cost.

When it comes to trying to begin to understand where to start or what to do, it helps to write things down on paper. What do you have that you are taking with you, and what are you willing to part with? Make lists of things you want to accomplish, and lists of things that just need taking care of. I began by writing down everything I would need to have in my pantry to be completely prepped for a year. I'm still a new prepper and that made me feel like I had a handle on something when I was done with it. I think that was hardest for me...feeling like the rug had been pulled out from underneath me, and I was just flying around in space waiting to fall. It gave me a feeling of control to just make something concrete, no matter how small.

Regarding the car, if you need one in order to get to work and back, perhaps you can get one that's cheaper than the one you had your sights on? I live in a state where winter is a consideration when thinking about transportation, and in my city the buses don't go to all parts of town so public transportation isn't always an option.

As for lawyers...make sure you get as many good references as possible before you hire one. Mine turned out to be a complete a$$, and appeared at one point to have been taking my husbands side in things. All this occurred, of course, after he was paid his non refundable fee.

Again, I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this...I'll be thinking of you. <<<HUGS>>>






Offline mamabear

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #49 on: November 19, 2009, 07:37:56 AM »
Klonus, I am so sorry to hear this. If you need to chat, we will all be here for you. Obviously we are not able to give legal advice, but I am sure that we all can share from experience or ideas from what we hear from others. I hope you will feel free to PM if you need to chat or just vent.

I agree wholeheartedly with WinterSparrow's advice about the atty. Get good references. You don't want a bad atty. Been there, done that, and it did not turn out well.

I also think she gave some good advice about writing things down. Get your thoughts out there on paper to help you get them organized.
I know that part of the idea of prepping is to not have any debt, but perhaps at this point you should see about getting a small loan on an inexpensive car to make sure you have transportation so you can get to work, and after you pay your atty, whatever is left over can go immediately to the car loan to pay it off faster. Shop around extensively, you can find a really good deal on cars. Check your local "freebie" paper, craigslist, even check with some local mechanics. My mechanic was a source for a used car. And since he worked on it, he could tell me if it was a good car or not. If not, you may be able to make payments to your atty, you won't know until you ask the atty though. Most won't advertise that. 

I too hope this is not messy for you. Again, feel free to send me a PM and vent if you need to. I listen pretty good, at least when it's not my parents talking....

Offline Klonus

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #50 on: November 19, 2009, 05:14:12 PM »
Thank you for all your kind words and advice. I'm just getting as many of my financial records as I can. Also have to figure out what to do with our bankng situation. We have a joint account so I'm gonna have to transfer my pay somewhere else I guess.  I'm hopeful we can agree on who gets what and fortunately we have no kids or a home.  We have about $2000 saved up for a  down payment on a car but I'm hesitant to use because I don't want to look like I'm taking the money and running even though we have saved it for a car. I live on a bus line that isn't so bad to use. Used it for the first time today.  Can't ride the bike in the freezing rain lol. On the plus side, all the walking and biking i have done this year helped me lose almost 30lbs which is good timing I guess. Thanks again.   

Offline Klonus

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #51 on: December 09, 2009, 05:18:08 PM »
Well, the divorce is filed and I have a new account at my credit union which worked out great. I love credit unions. They are always so much more helpful than banks. I'm still alive and thankful I found this community. An interesting note is that while I have worked hard to eliminate our debt, after our divorce was filed my wife took out a few loans and went on a shopping spree. Glad I'm no longer on the hook for that lol.

Offline mamabear

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #52 on: December 10, 2009, 09:40:38 AM »
Well, the divorce is filed and I have a new account at my credit union which worked out great. I love credit unions. They are always so much more helpful than banks. I'm still alive and thankful I found this community. An interesting note is that while I have worked hard to eliminate our debt, after our divorce was filed my wife took out a few loans and went on a shopping spree. Glad I'm no longer on the hook for that lol.
Well, I am glad to hear you are away from the new loans. I am sorry things could not be worked out. I do hope for the best for you as you are getting back on your feet. I also hope that your divorce process is civil and not mean and nasty. Good luck to you.

Offline A mazed

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #53 on: February 23, 2010, 01:57:44 AM »
((((((( YOU )))))))))     I am so sorry My first husband was a cheeter to! He left whe I was expecting our last Daughter he had someone else in the same condition again I was done  after 6 years and 3 and 1/2 kids. I was crushed and the hormonal stuff didn't help. First Cry scream yell  throw stuff there..... now find the song I will survive and play it full blast till the windows rattle whenever you doubt it. You will, it takes awhile for the hurt to lessen and then you will be stronger and smarter and you will keep putting one foot ahead of the last and make it!! We are all rooting for you and here if you need. Journal through the pain, it sometimes helps. a hundred hugs \MzLabby

Offline steeltownknight

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #54 on: February 28, 2010, 08:03:13 PM »
Hi Wintersparrow  Very sorry to hear  about the breakup.  Men who cheat are slime. 
I think that you are a very good Mom when you show concern about revealing the new situation to your kids.
Tomorrow is another day... Every child reacts differently to parents splitting up. All will be in balance soon.
Just please have a weekend planned just for YOU  ...Yes   YOU.NO family no pets..no drama.  Go to a nice B&B--- Spa ,  massages, sauna,  TREAT yourself.
And remember ENJOY being single. and later......................  There are many men out there that are attracted to a woman that thinks being PREPARED is
important  NOT paranoid.    Men Like me.

Rara Avis

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #55 on: March 05, 2010, 06:38:32 PM »
I gave my X the news with a court order to get out after I found out he was getting some sugar from someone at work. He came home and the door locks were changed, and I had two policemen at the house when he came home. He was served! He thought I was clueless to his game.  Was he ever wrong.  I never let him near me again while alone. ( he was a big guy with a a horrible possessiveness flaw. Which would make you wonder why he was fooling around?) I do not take prisoners. HE CHEATED AND HE WAS OUT!
We didn't have any kids.
In our state you can file for an uncontested divorce, which is what I/we did. The attorney made sure that I was compensated fairly. I got half.
He had since came crawling back asking me to forgive him, and take him back. I told him he blew it with me. I can't forgive and forget, because I could never trust him again.

In a survival situation you have to be able to trust the ones you're with 100%. You're lives could depend on it.  I need to be around or with rock solid trust worthy individuals. Not some flake who can't keep his zipper up!  I imagine that would apply to you as well.

Hopefully for you, your children will rally to your cause, and back you up, rather than give you grief. If their father starts to fill their heads with garbage against you, you have to fight back. Don't take any crap, from him or your kids.

Be strong, and still be a female. You can get through it. Don't take it personally. He tossed his credibility in the trash can, you didn't. The onus is on him. 

Offline Smith

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #56 on: March 05, 2010, 07:13:12 PM »

One thing in particular I could use advice on is how to handle things with the kids. I let my soon-to-be-ex know that those boys and I are a package deal, so they will be staying with me. I imagine they will be pretty angry and confused for a while. It's going to be an interesting time with them, I think. Poor kids...I wish they never had to deal with this.

Any wisdom anyone has to share regarding a similar issue you've faced would be most welcome.


Sorry to hear about your situation WS. As teenagers your boys should not have a hard time dealing with the divorce. You would be surprised what kids can handle. The most important thing is to never use your kids as emotional weapons against your former spouse. My parents were divorced and I had many friends growing up who were the children of divorce, and its not really as devastating as you might suspect. The thing that messes some kids up is when they are told that one of their parents was bad, did bad, is bad, or is the reason for the separation. i.e. "Daddy would rather be with his whore than with us."  Just remember, whatever he did, to them he is their dad. I'm not saying hes not a jerk or ignore what happened, I'm just saying that your perspective doesn't need to be theirs.

It might be radical to say but often cheating is not the underlying reason for a divorce. There are many other issues such as financial, emotional, and psychological that lead to the separation long before the trigger event causes the real pain threshold that leads to splitting up. Sometimes people just need to separate. That doesn't mean that the relationship was a failure, it sometimes just means that it is time to dissolve the partnership.

Your boys being teenagers should already be well equipped to deal with these situations, and not to sound callous but the current statistics would indicate that this is something that they too may have to deal with in the future, God forbid.

Best of luck. I hope it works out for you. 

Just my 2 cents, for what its worth....

Offline Smith

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #57 on: March 05, 2010, 07:17:59 PM »

Hopefully for you, your children will rally to your cause, and back you up, rather than give you grief. If their father starts to fill their heads with garbage against you, you have to fight back. Don't take any crap, from him or your kids.


Case in point.

Your kids are not weapons, and its not a battle.

Rara Avis

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #58 on: March 05, 2010, 08:17:01 PM »
Case in point.

Your kids are not weapons, and its not a battle.

Yes! that would be the ideal situation...yet, way too many divorces end up with the kids in the middle, and someone playing them against the other.  I have yet to see a totally amiable divorce where kids are involved. I know they can exist, but I have yet to see one.  Which is why, I am very thankful none were involved when my marriage ending.

I never inferred that kids were weapons, or that it should be a battle...

born2hunt2

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Re: How do you survive a surprise divorce?
« Reply #59 on: April 02, 2010, 03:53:00 PM »
I caught my wife of 2 and a half years cheating on me with her xboyfriend in january. She completly moved out next day and left me with a mortgage and all the bills. Cleaned out the house though. Now she has been doin everything she can to keep me from seeing my 14month daughter. She had led me to believe we might work things out and now wont even talk to me. I dont know whats happening, or if she even wants the divorce, but i hear shes pretty happy in her new life with x. To make matters worse I lost my job 3 weeks ago and cant even afford to file the divorce myself. Dont even feel like preppin anymore. Dont know if im comin or goin. Just lay on the floor now, try to figure out where i went wrong.