Author Topic: roomates/workers..  (Read 10029 times)

Offline FromScratchWoman

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roomates/workers..
« on: June 05, 2011, 02:13:29 PM »
Ok so I have a roommate who resides in my attic..I have been friends with him for 15+ years..the deal is he works to cover his living expenses I.e water food tp electric tv I even pay for his cell phone and quite a few other things..his basic chores that he is required to do every day are clean out the large dog run and tend to the hens..and I guess I'm just looking for a way to express my frustration to him that I shell out 100$s a month for him to live for free and he sleeps past noon says he will clean the run out tomorrow when the rain stops and the chickens should be fine..I cook completely from scratch so when my batch of dough that was to be baked into the next few days worth of bread has been turned into pizza while me an DH are setting concrete in the rain...I just want to snap..he burnt one and tossed it in the chickens scraps and took the whole other one upstairs..I've been really trying to keep DH calm about things..I have talked to my friend numerous times about he needs to get up before ten at the latest and really needs to pitch in more that minimal effort..I feel very torn because I'm worried I will loose my best friend if I ask him to leave(he's had so many chances) and that the next incident won't result in me venting on here..its just so many little events..and would love to here of any advice or experience in the matter..and thank you for letting me vent.. :-\

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2011, 02:20:20 PM »
hard.  very hard.
I think the first thing I would remember is that people and relationships with people are more important than anything.  that being said....
you are not helping your friend by enabling him to be a lazy-a-bed.  You are hurting him in the long run, even if everyone involved thinks you are helping right now.  I think you need to have a talk.  if you are the praying kind, take the situation to God and ask for help with it.  also, do not have the conversation when you are cranky about something specific.
write things down, so you have concrete examples to give him, and let him know you love him and want him to stay, but things need to change.
Sorry I cannot help more.

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2011, 04:58:01 PM »
Thank you very much..I know that it is not good for him to be enabled by me..and that even if he's angry at me for quite sometime for stating the truth it will be better for him in the long run..I have been praying quite hard on this and giving wide birth and the possible benefit of the doubt that maybe something I don't know about is affecting him...I love him like a brother..but I feel taken advantage of..
 Especially because I have expressed in a positive way(several times) how things need to get done and why him working hard alongside us could be rewarding on several levels..and yes I agree on writing a letter..then reading it again the next morning before I give it to him..
 I honestly haven't had a day in this month go by without him doing something inconsiderate..and my stress level is through the tree tops..which affects the whole family and our outcome of daily tasks..

 because of this It's not hard for me to fathom asking him to just move out..and sadly I know deep down in no matter how soft of a path I choose he will hold resentment in his heart for me..

what is baffling to me is when I invited him in he was living off of dried raman and koolaid (no joke) and he really was ill I fed him back to health and he really got back into our traditional ways of life(native american) and just bloomed..

I'm a pretty outspoken woman..but I find myself speechless...

MightyRunt

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #3 on: June 05, 2011, 07:08:25 PM »
A true friend wouldn't treat you that way. His behavior is disrepectful and demeaning and you probably wouldn't tolerate that from anyone else. If he was one of your children would you encourage his to act this way?

Offline ChrisFox

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2011, 08:01:57 PM »
I learned the hard way never to rent to friends/family. My first rental property I rented it to my brother. No good, dead beat SOB. And it was always like pulling teeth every time we saw each other. Now I know never to do that again. It's just business now. Background checks, lease, and alot less stress. Relationship with friends and family is more important than rent money or help around the house.

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2011, 08:44:15 PM »
No no I wouldn't...and my children are up at 6:30 to help make breakfast and get the days "kid chores" done so they can just be kids for the rest of the day(7&4)...I really do feel like I just want my home back and that if shtf he would be a non contributing mouth to feed..I know I need to have him go its just sad that it had to turn this way....stepping back and reflecting on the year or so he has been here I feel my closeness to him has allowed him to pull the wool over my eyes..
I agree it was a bad decision on my part but I was trying to help him find ground to stand on just didn't intend to be the ground... ::)

Offline TexDaddy

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2011, 09:21:30 PM »
A true friend wouldn't treat you that way. His behavior is disrepectful and demeaning...
This is the bottom line. Regardless of your feelings toward him, he obviously does not return them. He does not see you as a friend. He sees you as a meal ticket and a doormat. Actions speak louder than words. The sooner he is gone, the sooner your family (the important ones, remember.) can heal.

Offline thezoo

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2011, 09:42:12 PM »
i feel for you and will be praying for you, im almost in the same situation, with my parents, its very ugly, I have been disowned by them, because my cousin and I are selling a piece of mountain ground we can no longer afford, and my parents cant afford to buy, for 17 years they have been cutting down trees for firewood, without narry a penny paid to my cousin or me, the township re,evaluated our property value from 35k to 60k, our taxes doubled, and I just got laid off, were hurting but my folks can only see their losses, so now hate us any wont talk to us,

my advice is to tread lightly you must be firm, but not mean, which there is a fine line seperating both extremes, my hope is that this doesnt sour the relationship for you and your friend, show him what everyone else is doing, then what he is asked to do, then show him your costs ( at least how much more he is costing you) remind him of how much you care about him but you need him to do better, also try getting him more involved in otheraspects of life ( can I be your roommate that list of chores sounds light compared to what I have to do in the morning, clean shed clean workshop, build part of a home drug cabinet, fix storm door again, fix 2 cabinet door hinges, get the idea) pray alot, I only hope your friend is not a closed minded person like my folks
our situation was avoidable if they were more rational people.

hope you can sort this out, its not fun losing friends or family for that matter, Iwill pray for you
 :)

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #8 on: June 06, 2011, 07:57:01 AM »
This is the bottom line. Regardless of your feelings toward him, he obviously does not return them. He does not see you as a friend. He sees you as a meal ticket and a doormat. Actions speak louder than words. The sooner he is gone, the sooner your family (the important ones, remember.) can heal.
This is very true hard to accept but true none the less...he took off yesterday to attend something social so when he does return(probably a few days or more) I will have a well thought out calmly put together letter for him and 30 day notice..then hold on for the ride..and knowing him well possibly prepare for backlash...DH expects the worst from giving him a 30day notice but It's the proper thing to do..we have agreed that during this time we probably shouldn't allow him to be here at the house alone...

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #9 on: June 06, 2011, 08:14:13 AM »
you might want to stipulate in some fashion that if he is being disrespectful of your property in that 30 days, you reserve the right to ask him to leave immediately.

Offline Cedar

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #10 on: June 06, 2011, 09:12:06 AM »
you might want to stipulate in some fashion that if he is being disrespectful of your property in that 30 days, you reserve the right to ask him to leave immediately.

*Sigh* Actually depending on the state you are in, you may have to give him a 30 day written notice. Even if there is no paperwork agreement, no money being exchanged, even if he is destroying your home, you cannot just kick him out. IF he will not leave when that 30 days is up, you would be required to take him to court to get him out of your home. Inquire with your local police department.

The friendship is one-sided and he is taking advantage of you and your family. For whatever reason he chooses to do this (mental issues, depression, a moocher, etc.) he is not going to change now that the pattern has been set in your household. You could tell him "Things need to change and if you do not do your chores and what we agreed upon, you need to leave within the week." Write it all out on a sheet of paper the Do's & Don'ts.

One of my longtime friends from childhood did this to me and consistantly lied. Finally there was an incident where I had enough as it was creating a wedge between me and my husband. I called her family and told them all her things were packed and sitting by the front gate. I have not talked to her since that day although I still love her as I knew her when we were kids. That was 24 years ago. Sometimes it is better to cut your losses for the good of the better.

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Offline Roundabouts

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #11 on: June 06, 2011, 11:45:47 AM »
You know this type of thing just sucks.  It gets worse because you have a good heart and even though you are the one being hurt you are still worried about the one giving grief.  Some times venting is good and helps you clear your head. 

How do you feel about the statement 'protect from all our enemies foreign and domestic' ?  Even though this is a very dear person to you it sounds like you may need to step up and do a little protecting.  As women it is often so hard to protect ourselves and draw boundaries even harder to keep.  It sounds like you have more than extended a "helping hand" now that had is getting bit.  You are not a bad selfish uncaring unworthy nonloveable person if you have your friend move out.  It sounds like you would rather live in resentment stress worry and extra work all because you are afraid this person will hold it against you?  How many other people could you help including yourself if this energy vampire was not in your home / life.

I can tell you from personal experiences (several) that I have had to protect myself by removing people from my life.  Didn't mean they were bad (it is not my place to judge them) but they were just bad for me at that time.  So they had to go

Short story: My very best girlfriend (closer than sisters) married the wrong guy. Very wrong.  When asked I gave my opinion don't marry him but it's your life.  She married him.  Nothing short of abuse started shortly after the honeymoon.  She gave him over $15,000.00 cash into his checking account her name was never put on accounts.  Pics of his ex all over the house and her voice on the answering machine.  Sunday doughnut runs she was expected to pay for her own doughnut coffee and newspaper.  It goes on and on.  I could and would not say a word it wasn't my place but it was just killing me to watch.  Then one day she hit bottom she was in a place she was no longer capable of helping herself so I stepped in. 

She left him and moved in with me and my hubby.  She had no job no money and most of her household things were given away or sold.  She brought with her 3 cats and 3 sons.( Don't know why they didn't stay @ their dads until she could get it together a least a tad. Oh well not my place)  She told me she didn't want to take advantage.  No worries I wouldn't allow that.  The only thing I said she would have to do is week one cry pity party and eat junk and get a lawyer. week 2 self care working out eating right and job shop if she was up to it. week 3 job shop any thing for any type of pay.  Once the job was in place she could stay with us to build savings.   As time went on I heard her turn down jobs. Watched her spend money on all kinds of junk video games for the kids new shoes movies dinners out make up nails.  Nothing that could be considered job related or even needed.  She had her son over with a friend to spend the night.  No problem until later when she went out on a date and left the kids here without asking if we were going to be home.  We had to cancel our plans that night and the next day then the next.  You can see a pattern here?  She and her kids were eating pizza and ice cream and chips on my new couch I asked them all to come to the table or sit on the floor.  My kids were never allowed to eat in the living room unless it was on the  "pic nick blanket" and that was for special events. 

Ok now you can tell I am feeling resentful.  It hit me I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let advantage be taken and I made that promise to her.  I am a woman of my word.  So I had a talk and told her this is the way it will be find a job find a place and get it together or get out.  The next day she turned down another job.  So I sat her down and asked if she remembered how she said she didn't want to take advantage.  She did.  So that was wed. I told her she will be out of my house by noon that sat. She had 4 days to get a job find a place to move that would accept 3 cats and that she could afford in a semi safe area.  What ever was left in my house or on my property at 12:01 sat would be disposed of. 

Now every one told me I was being unreasonable. No I was keeping my word.  You know what she was able to find a job and make the move by Fri.  Funny it took her 3 days to get done what couldn't be done in several months?  How long do you think this would have gone on had I not kept my word? 

She said she was afraid that this would destroy the friendship. My response was only if you let it.  We still talk but over time I have come to realize that the values and morals I thought she had she didn't.  I wish her well and would still lend a helping hand. Somehow I think she will think twice about that.  After a few years she did tell me that that was the best thing.  She had never really had to stand on her own two feet.  And because I threw her in the brink so to speak she decided not to drowned.  She ended up getting a degree and an even better job. 

Who knows maybe I was wrong in the first place to extend the "helping hand".  Maybe I interfered with her own personal  struggle and growth process.  Maybe not.  Either way do what is best for you and your family first then the friend.   

Offline Prepper7

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #12 on: June 06, 2011, 01:48:06 PM »
  A true friend wouldn't treat you that way. His behavior is disrepectful and demeaning <snip>
This.

I understand this is hard, but consider: friendship is bi-directional. Your friend is engaged in extreme leechery and you need to step up and set some hard (with specific non-performance penalties) rules and limits.

Perhaps there needs to be formal "work hours" or a list of daily tasks that are assigned a value and applied towards his room and board. If he doesn't "pay his way", he must leave. Be VERY cautious about accepting cash for a shortfall as that may convert him into a "tenant" who will have to be formally evicted.

It appears there also need to be some "house rules" (including only using food in designated areas of the kitchen/fridge/pantry unless he has received express permission).

You need to change things for 1. you. 2. your family and 3. the "friendship". Your home should be a sanctuary.

Best of luck.

Offline LvsChant

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2011, 08:47:11 PM »
I agree... you've done what you could to help your friend. This was a chance to turn around his life. He has free will and has obviously chosen not to change. Since he was living on ramen noodles and kool-aid when you met him, he must have made bad choices up to that point... and he has not learned. I think it must be tremendously sad to realize you cannot help him, but he has to want it himself. Your quality of life will be better when he is gone, and he will continue on as before.

I'm sorry you have to face this.

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #14 on: June 08, 2011, 11:53:57 AM »
Ok...so on Monday evenin i had the local sheriff deliver a 30 day notice..used the sheriff so it was legitimate from the get go..and at six a.m. this is what I awoke to.."dogs flipping out..bang bang bang on the door,I answer with my 180lb male Pyrenees by my side and a bat hidden behind the door..are you (my name) I state may I ask what you are inquiring about before I answer that question..one of your dogs attacked my horse last night!! Me sir these dogs are LGDS and are fine around horses and I've never seen you around hear..he says I'm going to call the cops and have your dogs put down..at this point I'm like what do you really want I'm not alone and I have three more of these dogs behind this one of same stature..are you sure you want to try whatever it is your trying..he looks at the dog,the nra sticker on the door..goes pail and says..look I'm just trying to.serve you tell me your (my name) take these papers and I will get the hell out of here..I agreed took the papers..

My lovely life time friend is suing me..saying that his work agreement involved pay which was involved in paying for my home..stating this is partially his property as well..and I have no right to eviction but he will let me by him out!!!! Wtf!!!! I storm up the stairs kick his bed and say I hope you have a good lawyer (because I actually do and always keep a retainer full) and said you have 30days left in this house and if you work your fingers to blood I may not counter sue for the cost of using my retainer..
He stated I will see you in court..

My lawyer is on it and laughed and said he may no how to fill out some forms but when he has no proof of payment or agreement not only will it get thrown out he faces charges for boasting false information to the courts..

So the shtf and this is what I just got done doing for prep..
Padlock on fridge check...
Pantrys chained and locked check..
Alllll medication of any sorts moved to safe..lock on kids doors and mine
Censor on his door that will chime loudly when opened
Turned cameras on the gardens and animals(incase he poisons or something)
Locked up alllll household cleaners..
As of 20 minutes ago my father came and removed all guns from house
I put up 10 more smoke/co2/nat gas detectors
Anything of sentimental value is locked up..
No toilet paper in the bathroom
Canceled his phone
And notified the sheriff of a potential violent situation over the next month
I have a bat my Pyrenees and bear mase..
Did I miss anything,any suggestions?
This is so f'up that I'm laughing at the situation.. :rofl:

homeshow

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #15 on: June 08, 2011, 12:32:52 PM »
let this be a lesson to all of us.  i had a house guest and his family for a week.  that was a real train wreck.  lesson learned and glad they are GONE GONE GONE GONE!!!!


sorry about your situation.  bake some chocolate stool softener cookies and leave them on the counter. :o  sorry i'm evil ;D

Offline Morning Sunshine

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #16 on: June 08, 2011, 12:37:30 PM »
sorry.  wow.  looks like this was none too soon....

Offline thezoo

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #17 on: June 08, 2011, 12:40:46 PM »
hang in there were prayin 4 ya. hope it gets better soon

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #18 on: June 08, 2011, 01:47:57 PM »
Thanks you all I appreciate the support..
And ha homeshow I'm putting serious thought into that..
I don't think I will be able to "lend a hand" to anyone for a long time now this is a very sobering experience...
But from what I have read and been told by attorney if he willingly leaves I no longer have to abide by the 30 day notice..so here is my plan  8) I am shutting off power and water to the house..all of my freezes run from my garage separate panel ran into garage so I turn off main house power lock the breaker panel and see how long he will stay with no food water or power..DH stays in the house for house safety reasons and the kids and me are going to stay in the 5th wheel..don't mind having no power or running water but this cuts out the risk of "child neglect/engagement ::)

Offline LvsChant

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #19 on: June 08, 2011, 01:54:17 PM »
I am so sorry it is going this way... you still have some trouble to wade through... and I wish you and your family the best.

MightyRunt

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #20 on: June 09, 2011, 05:26:06 PM »
But from what I have read and been told by attorney if he willingly leaves I no longer have to abide by the 30 day notice..
Does he ever leave the house for any reason? Chain the doors behind him and problem solved. Call the sheriff to supervise the removal of his personal items to the curb. I can't believe the brass balls of the guy to sue you while still in residence. I suspect the friendship is a sad thing of the past.

Offline Prepper7

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #21 on: June 09, 2011, 09:49:43 PM »
I'm sorry to read what has occurred. You now have no illusions as to the type of person you considered a friend. I hope you and your family can begin the healing and can come out of this without being unwilling to help others in future.

Unless you have consulted with someone who specializes in landlord/tenant law, please do your due diligence before switching off the utilities. You don't want to give this person to profit further from his asshattery.

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #22 on: June 09, 2011, 10:37:37 PM »
So..while I know I have a bit more of fantastic s%*+ to go through with this..I did something clever..reading through our county laws..if a main utility is factually disconnected the house is considered not livable,so even tho I don't agree with this law..I applied for a quick permit to "re wire" which resulted in the main power line being disconnected from the house(free of charge) and then called the sheriff...so this is the result of my plan..my fifth wheel only has the legal square footage for a family of four and he counts as five so he can't move in the trailer with us..so this is what the officer said " seeing as her permit states a project completion date of over 30 days and you already have less than 30 days to vacate the property you are required by county law to transfer your living situations..your stuff can stay here for storage but as the owner says she won't be available to let you in and out you will not have legal access to your property.."
%$&@%@& said " Im the owner of this house and everything in it..!!" Spit on the sheriff!!! And is currently in jail..and about 30min ago the local cop came by and told me he would be locked up for over 72 hours and if property is left behind for more than 48 with no written notice to the property owner they have the right to the property or to toss it..I was given a highlighted printout of the regulation..we are boxing up his books and keep sakes to give to his mother(didn't want to add gas to the flame) and the rest gets thrown in the dumpster and donated...I would like to think that's that..but I know better at this point..
 On a lighter note had been wanting to go "black out mode" as to get disconnected from always being able to flip a switch..so we are doing just that..and will be using our power bill $ for this month to stock up on a few things we've been needing to replenish..

Offline thezoo

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #23 on: June 10, 2011, 09:03:51 AM »
please before you do that call a lawyer first, make sure your not giving him a club to beat you with :badgarden:

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #24 on: June 10, 2011, 01:44:28 PM »
Sorry for all the crap.  See your bells were going off.  The dust will settle I know not soon enough but it will.  Hang in there.  It sounds to me like he is to lazy to go through to much retaliation.  Unless he has an outside coach or other piece of sh(& friend.  You are smart to protect your self and family animals included.  Scum like to go after those that can't protect themselves.  I wouldn't hesitate to stop communicating with any one he dealt with like minded stick together.

Offline Ms green eyes

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #25 on: June 10, 2011, 03:31:40 PM »
Wow-- that's pretty scary. Good luck and I'll look for an update.
At first I thought he was just lazy, but seems like there's a little something more wrong with him than just that...
Also, it was pretty cool to read about all the things you did to secure your property from him. Thanks for sharing.

Offline Cedar

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #26 on: June 10, 2011, 05:12:51 PM »
Does he ever leave the house for any reason? Chain the doors behind him and problem solved. Call the sheriff to supervise the removal of his personal items to the curb.

You cannot do this in many states... I asked the sheriff when I was having issues with someone who would not leave. And if his stuff gets stolen, you are the one responsible for it. I had to ride it out until they left. I literally got grey hairs in a month due to them.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It was bad enough for me, but your case is way worse. I hope it is all over soon with you and a good outcome on your family's side. It happens all so easily from trying to help someone out too.

Cedar

Offline FromScratchWoman

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #27 on: June 11, 2011, 09:11:51 PM »
Zoo- yes indeed i did quite a bit of research and talked to my lawyer as well and the police..
Ms green eyes- ya i have come to the same conclusion and talking with his mother whom i have known just as long and we think it is possibly a mental health issue..
Roundabouts-we have grown up around all the same people so it is tough to cut all out..but i have been getting more "i figured as much" and "can't say i didn't see it coming" and I'm just like well thanks for the heads up guy's ::) but i am on high alert..

looked him up on the jail roster and discovered that he had warrents out for him...none of them any good and it doesn't look like he will be getting out anytime soon.. but on the good side i have partially come through a shtf situation of a threat to my family,we have changed all locks and i have filed for a restraining order and notified the local police..I'm SO glad that he was always "not feeling well" when we would offer to take him to our BOL so he has no clue where it is located the only people who know that are me DH and parents/in laws..

Offline Roundabouts

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #28 on: June 11, 2011, 10:56:55 PM »
Boy that must be a sign of relief that he doesn't know about the bol.  Yeah I guess you can't cut  all out.  I didn't realize that how interconnected you were.  That makes it tough.  Seems that you have the support from others that has to put you at ease a tad any way I hope.  Mental or maybe drugs in any case his problems shouldn't be yours.  Sounds like you might be feeling a little safer and not so at wits end.  I sure hope so.  I guess it would be a good time to say never mind my piddly story.  I am glad you shared yours and reached out.  I think what you have gone through may help prevent others from having that problem.  So thank you.

Offline MidnightMidwife

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Re: roomates/workers..
« Reply #29 on: July 30, 2011, 07:26:55 PM »
Wow - from your first post (he's a friend/bum) to the last post (he's in jail for a while) - have to say that I expected that no good would come from this mess.  Your description of his laziness in the first post said a lot - I'm not surprised by the outcome.

I hope this situation resolves it self well for you - ie, no more gray hairs.  Good riddance.  It had to be done.  It just isn't right - some one using you like that.  It had to be done.